Mom choosing to stay in abusive relationship
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|Fri, 11-18-2011 - 5:44pm|
Hi, I was advised to come over here by the lovely people on the 'Venting about family and friends' board.
I posted earlier this year after my Mom's husband had physically attacked her in a drunken rage. Fortunately, she was 'only' bruised, but she called the police, had him arrested, gave a statement, called his lovely (genuinely) sister to tell her what he'd done, saw a counsellor...and then took him back.
I was, and still am, terrified about what he might do next. Prior to this, he'd have rages - he's an alcoholic, drug user, gang member, you name it - but never touched her. She used to tell me, almost proudly, that 'he'd never touch' her. Well, he did.
I am almost certain he has psychological issues. He'll get into these vile moods where he won't talk to anyone, or he'll 'leave' and tell her it's over, he's never coming back. But guess what. He always comes back. I moved out of home as soon as I could, because he would fly into these rages, out of nowhere, my boyfriend couldn't come around because he hated him, for no reason he could ever tell me.
He left her a few times, once as long as a month, always coming back. Then, after a period of calm, he called me last summer to say they were getting married. My mom always seems to be the placator (is that a word?) in this. She didn't want to get married, but he did, so they did. Obviously that's brought issues of shared property and money now - she owns her own nice house, with some land, and he's basically a drifter, so he has nothing. Now he has equal claim.
After the violence in February, I think, she took him back after about a month, and I was speechless. I could not believe it. He takes a baseball bat to her house and attacks her, and she just takes him back.
Fastforward to October, and she's coming to visit me in Canada, where I've since moved. She tells me he's left her, for good this time, and she's glad. Finally feels free. Like she can move on...
so a couple of weeks after she gets back, gradually his name is back in the conversation. He's living with her again.
I'm furious. She admits he's a horrible person, she was sensible enough to have him arrested, so why oh why does she keep on letting him back into her home, her life? Me talking about what a waste of space he is isn't her favourite topic, so she tries to placate me by always changeing the subject. To her credit, she never tries to correct me when I'm wondering out loud why she's with such a monster, and I would feel bad, if she wasn't in a position to kick him out. She is choosing this, and it kills me to see my wonderful, intelligent, kind, generous mom stooping to this level. She's resigned to this being her life - she's 55 and divorced from my father, who has since died. The only, only thing I can think of is that she doesn't want to be alone. But I have no respect for her decision! To live with violence rather than being alone. Hard thing to equate with a mom who has always had all the right answers.
Anyone had any experience with a situation like this, where the victim knows the violence is not her fault, but puts up with it anyway?