Money issues - opinions please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Money issues - opinions please
7
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:17pm
Hi all,

I'm looking for some feedback on money matters after something I did the other night caused me to pause.

Here's the deal. H and I have a joint account, though I am the only one who has every kept track of our spending, paid the bills. Both of us are working now, though he hasn't for much of our 9 years together. We have three kids, probably clear maybe $3000 a month. Don't generally have much to any extra money. Living where we live is fairly expensive, not California expensive, but pretty pricy.

Anyway, H wanted to take the checkbook to work last night, and I asked him why. He wanted to buy some tobacco and lunch. I said why not just take a couple of bucks for tobacco—I hate the smoking habit but that's another issue—and pack a lunch. Leave the checkbook at home. He didn't like that. Said he doesn't have equal access to the money.

And that caused me to pause, because I guess that's not far off, though he could have taken the checkbook if he wanted. But here's the deal. In recent months, he has gone on these things where he will spend $20 a night, supposedly on lunch. I explain to him that we can't afford a $400/month lunch bill for him to go out every night. He works nights, for those of you that don't know that. He just kept doing it. Eventually a few weeks later he stopped for a while, but still does it on and off. And in the past, there have been instances where he got some cash in hand from selling stuff and refused to put it into the bank account, even though we were broke, and just spent every dime of it on nothing, as near as I can tell. We are talking hundreds of dollars here. Anyway, in many ways I feel like I have to keep an eye on things or else he will blow it all and we will be destitute, especially given that he is a compulsive liar. I just don't trust him at all. But perhaps that makes me too controlling when it comes to the money. I feel conflicted about this.

Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:58am
I don't really know the best thing to do, or how to deal with your H directly, but what I would do, if possible, is open a secret account. Put whatever money in there that you can spare, little by little. That way, if you are unable to come to an agreement with your H, at least you can feel a little better knowing that he doesn't have the power to take all the money away from you. I know that this can be a nearly impossible task sometimes, but if it is within your power, I say go for it. Talking to him probably won't do much good, judging by your description. I'm new to this board, though, so I don't really know for sure. Good luck with everything! I can really understand why you would feel worried :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:29am
Hi, mg.

Mama Harmony

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 10:05am
hugs mg. I have to agree with mommacaj on this. Abusers need total control over everything in their lives including command of the money. Even though you write the checks or they probably wouldn't be paid, he's keeping an eye on where every dollar goes that you spend. It doesn't matter what he spends, it's about what YOU spend.

Like caj suggested, I'd start a quiet account for you and only you. Do what you can to put money in, but I wouldn't question him too much or try to show how he's wasting money as all it will do is bring on more abuse. I would start making an account for escaping him and wouldn't share the knowledge with anyone who might leak it back to him, including the bank.

It sucks that in our attempts to free ourselves we have to sneak around like we're the ones doing something wrong, but if we don't, our abusers find out and then pull the plug on our plans.

I remember selling personal objects of mine to cover my abuser's debts, didn't do any good because then it was my fault for selling it. With abusers it's a no win situation. The only way you'll ever get free of this is to make plans A, B and C, keep it quiet and share only with someone you'd trust your life to and find a way free.

Once you do get free, don't be surprised if all of a sudden once you get yourself established,,you have extra money you don't know where it came from. In fact all it is, is all the money no longer being gleaned by the abuser.

Hugs and I hope this makes sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 4:59pm
Yeah, could be drugs. I know he does smoke mj on occasion. Walked outside one evening when he came home from work for lunch and he hid his pipe in his pocket. IMHO, if you are smoking weed on your lunch break, you are more than a recreational user. He swears he threw the pipe away. I don't really believe it.

I keep close enough tabs on the money that I don't think he could empty the account without me noticing. I mean, even when he goes through the two or three-week spurts where he will spend $20 a night on "lunch" the checkbook carbons are there. I see them. I tell him to please stop spending so much. He just keeps doing it until he feels like stopping, I guess. Or until I get irritated enough and insist. But then every once in a while he'll start doing it again.

I don't know. Money has always been a problem. For years the problem was his refusal to go to work and earn any. And he just has no clue how much we bring in and how much we spend. I've offered to clue him in, but apparently he is happier being oblivious and letting me handle it all.

Just one more example of how I feel like the only grown-up in the house.

Still, I don't want to be someone that says "you can't." That makes me uncomfortable. I don't understand why he can't just make up his mind to get clued in on our financial situation and then make good judgements about it.

It's like some form of wierd rebellion against a situation he has created. Sort of, I'll show you, I'll spend whatever I like and get mad when you tell me to stop because we don't have enough money. It's like an artificially created conflict.

If I put myself in his shoes, I would guess that if I learned how much money was really available then I would see that there wasn't enough to be blowing and I would just stop doing it. And nobody would have to tell me to do that because it would just make sense. And there would be no conflict because I and my spouse would be working on the same page.

And another thing that is wierd about it, is it's like everything he does regarding money feels sneaky to me. Maybe that's just my perspective. But if he wants cash, he doesn't just say, "hey, I'm taking (or took) $50 out of the checking account." He like empties the cash I have in my wallet and doesn't tell me. Or worse, I'll notice that where I once had $10 I now have none, and he denies taking it. And though he knows that money is always tight, it's not like he'll say, "hey, I was going to go out to lunch tonight, is there money in the checking account?" (Sometimes there isn't any money in there)

I just don't understand how someone can, knowing money is tight, just elect to spend without any information. Regardless of whether I want to go out to dinner, or buy a new shirt or go to the movies, I always think first about whether the money is there to do it. I can't imagine just assuming it is always there.

Anyway, there I go rambling again. Suppose I ought to stop and get some work done.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 5:32pm

BTDT.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 5:48pm

It is a rebellion.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:03pm

MG, I agree with what most everyone has said.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you