"Morning after "speech

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
"Morning after "speech
3
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 12:48pm

H called this morning to ask if I could BRING the kids to see him and have dinner at his moms ...UMMMMM NO!!! ...SO I told him to come here ,(I will have a friend over just in case )anyway.....He says he is sorry for blowing up at me yesterday,and that he wants to be married to me ,and he will change .ALTHOUGH,he knows that I DO NOT love him ,and he says "I only love you as a person ,but we can make it more "

the conversation was calm as can be ,I POLITLEY told him that if he was done talking about the kids ,then I really needed to go etc.
He says to me "why cant you just be my friend ?"all I want to do is talk ,and I am being nice ...so just let me talk to you "

he says explain to me whay you dont want me back ....I honestly laughed so hard .....I said you have controlled me ,abused me ,ans manipulated me for years ,and I knew it ,BUt I never knew just how bad it was ...until now ...and I can see it now .

He told me that he never abused me ,and that I was being brainwashed by other people (he thinks my family or the man that I was seeing is turning me against him."keeps saying "you know me ,I am not a person that would do those things "

while talking to him ,I am almost convinced that he honestly has no clue as to the severity of his abuse ,and that he really thinks I am nuts for thinking this ...He says "I am NOT trying to control you ,I just dont want you to see anyone else " (IS THAT NOT CONTROL ?????)

I feel crazy for thinking "maybe he really doesnt think its abuse ,or being controlling :BUT thats the way he makes me feel....and I wonder for a second ,then snap back into reality.He makes me second guess myself .

so they all have a master plan ?Do they think "I will say this to make her think ...feel a certain way ?....OR do you think that they REALLY think that what they are doing is justified ?and that they are right ?

AND do you know he had the NERVE to ask,well beg really ,for me to continue to have sex with him ??????he talks about that ALOT ....says that way neither one of us have to look for that from someone else LOL




Edited 2/23/2006 12:52 pm ET by love_sick2005

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 2:29pm
Hi there...I don't get to post too often anymore, but wanted to address one of your questions about whether he thinks of what he does as abuse and if he thinks it's justified. Your husband knows exactly what he's doing when he abuses, and what he hopes to accomplish by doing it. But he simply doesn't define it as "abuse". Abuse to an abuser is whatever some other guy does that's much worse than what he does. It's really fruitless to seek true acknowledgement from an abuser that what he's doing is abuse. They do feel perfectly justified in what they do and they don't see it as unacceptable. That's a universal trait for abusive people. I don't know how anyone could possibly feel justified in abusive behavior, but millions of people in our society do. Pretty sicko thinking, but there it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 5:21pm

I again can totally relate. And that's when you know it's an abuser tactic. I don't take my abusers phone calls anymore, but he finds ways to give me letters. (I'm in the process of having that stopped too, but in the mean time...) He wrote the same thing, almost verbatim, about "can we be friends. Friends talk" and "I love the person I dated" .. "even if that person changed after we got married". So his story is that I changed after we got married and never wanted to spend time with him/neglected him/ and that's why he was hurtful to me. His explanation is that it brought up memories from his childhood about being neglected by his mother. Pscycho babble that I'm not falling for.... By the way, in a different conversation he said he didn't even love me when we got married (contradiction used only for his abusive/manipulative purpose). In that conversation his story is that I blackmailed him into marrying me and he only grew to love me afterwards. What BS!!!! He's just not getting it that I don't NEED his love or approval anymore. I've seen the true him and he can't lie and manipulate me into seeing some camouflage.

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing things as they truly are...I think you did great ending the conversation after the business of the children was complete. They truly only want to talk to regain control, and to plant seeds of doubt or confusion in your mind. They don't want to talk to "be your friend."

Keep up the good work within yourself. God Bless,

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 11:39am
This is a good time for "NO CONTACT." Basically, you only talk about matters relating to the children, and you hang up if and when he starts in on you. We preach this for the very reason that these guys take any opportunity that they can at all to start in on you. It isn't necessarily that he'll get the message, but it's necessary to preserve your sanity.
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