Mother : consenting victim of violence
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| Tue, 04-06-2004 - 8:17pm |
A few months ago, my mom decided to put an end to her suffering and file for divorce. This was not the first time she had this idea, but it seemed to be legitimate THIS time around, as she applied for a long-term restraining order (which she was not granted) in fear that he would react violently to the news of the divorce. Before being forced out of the domicile, he had threatened her repeatedly with words, much of the time in front of my little sister. My mom was planning to sue on grounds of cruelty.
I have two other siblings about my age, and we were behind our mom 100% regarding the permanent separation. Growing up in the house, my brothers and I would live in perpetual fear of that man, not knowing when he might snap and perhaps use one of his guns against our mother in a blind fit of rage. She was by no means innocent - she yelled and screamed right back at him during their arguments, directly in front of their little girl a majority of the time.
I recently learned that my mom and her husband had a rare, "civil" telephone conversation, and have since cancelled the court date scheduled for this month. My mother is seriously considering staying married to this man, despite the enormous efforts she put into packing up all of his belongings, stealing back her engagement ring, and paying an exorbitant amount of money in lawyers fees. I cannot understand her decision, however I know that I have never seen her without a boyfriend or other male crutch in her life for an extended period of time. He is her third husband. My brothers and I are devastated to hear this news, as we were so thrilled to become an intimate family again without the negative, polluting presence of her current husband.
Is it wrong to not want to associate with my mother if her husband is on the premises? I love her dearly, but have NO respect for a man that abuses women, especially my mother. I do not want to raise my (future) children knowing that man. I want to visit with my little sister, but I abhor the thought of seeing his face, and having to put on a fake, friendly act since I am not by nature an ugly or rude person. I am afraid that my mom is setting herself up for future failures, fights, and pain. She has expressed a desire to "work out her differences" with him, and resents it when I remind her of the past cruelty that he tainted her life with. I have already given her my perspective, but she asserts that she is in control of her own life. I want to let her make her own mistakes, but feel such pain when she gets hurt. I love my mother, but do not support her decision to stay married (which isn't my decision to make, obviously).
Any thoughts would be welcomed. I am grateful for any feedback.

Hi Mazzy, and welcome -
Wow, what a spot you and your sibs are in.
CL-Blueliner4
The homepage for this board is filled with alot of solid information on abuse, links to resources and help centers around the world. A good place for you to start could be contacting your local shelter and talking this out with them. They can help you find trained abuse counselors who could help you through this and hopefully they could help your mom too if she wanted.
One thing though is hardly noticed except by those of us who are abit older. Domestic Violence has only recently been actively looked into. Your mother's generation was brought up with a whole different outlook on what a wife's responsibilities were. In many towns, states, countries, abuse was looked at as the wife's inability to do her responsibilities to her husband. So most women were put in the position that if they didn't keep trying to stay and keep the family together, they were looked upon as non-humans and society cast them aside. So alot of what she is going through could very well be just that, antiquated values and ideals which not only discriminated against women but killed many. She may just plain not be able to see that a new millenium has come and DV is not OK.
I'm sure like blue said, this husband of hers is giving her the honeymoon treatment, making empty promises, saying whatever it takes to keep her from bringing attention to him and his ways. This is why learning as much as you can about the dynamics of abuse is so helpful. Once you know what is being done, you can do what is appropriate and neccessary. But again, how she was raised could be the root of what keeps her there. She may still think that a single woman with children is a woman who is looked down on by society instead of knowing that just the opposite is true.
Abuse is all about control and power, it is a concious choice made by someone to be this way. I hope that you find help here, on the homepage, in your local shelters and DV resources through your ER is also available.
I hope you keep coming here and asking, venting and posting with us as you are more than welcome to do so. We also have a live chat on Sunday nights at 7pm EDT. For two hours you can chat with those of us who have lived thruogh what you are, have left our abusers and those just starting their journy to freedom.
Hugs