Mutual abuse...I know I need therapy
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|Sun, 09-09-2012 - 11:52am|
I have been out of the relationship for 6yrs and am just now coming to terms with the fact that I MUST finally deal with it. The pain, embarrasement, sense of loss, ability to have (or want) a r/s just doesn't go away. Time does not heal all wounds.
Honestly? I don't remember with clarity dates, all the incidents, lies, manipulation. I do remember the fear (and later anger), disappointment when I realized I'd been lied to again and sadness. Nor do I exactly remember when I started drinking just to blot out all the insanity with which I couldn't deal anymore. I don't remember much about my 3days of medically induced detox at rehab or all of my time there. I do remember almost losing my daughter because of it all.
I do remember throwing a few glass beer mugs at his head a few months after I came home. He refused to remove the alcohol from the house.
It's all such a blur of hurt and confusion. And when my anger surfaced after rehab and relapse - we were both being abusive. Of course, during the first 3yrs of our r/s, I had not uttered a word about his abuse toward me to anyone. I was desperately(obsessively) in love with him and adored his children and the 'normal' times of our family life. Of course, everyone knew I had been to rehab and of course he let everyone know about my rages and abuse. Funny how they forgot my black eye and later the road rash from my hip to my foot when he threw me across the concrete floor. (couldn't hide those)
He finally left me and I was despondent and heart broken and crazed.
It took me over a year of therapy to realize it wasn't all my fault. I could not admit that all the prior craziness played a part. Or that his continued abuse and my horrific reactions were all part of it. I still have trouble with having been abusive in return.
I have trouble accepting that my oldest dd will not have much to do with me and places most of the blame on me. Or that my youngest dd lives with her dad because she could not deal with me after he left. (thank god her father is a pretty darn good father)
He has been in a r/s for a number of years and what little I know of it and his life - I am thankful that I am no longer a part of his world.
But I am still reeling. Ashamed of who I became, that I allowed it to happen for whatever reasons I had, that I am taking all the heat from my kids and not knowing how to repair things. I just can't seem to forgive *myself*. My kids and I had such a wonderful, close r/s filled with crafting, swimming, sledding and hot chocolate, beach trips, hiking....I was a normal and good mother ...BEFORE.
I still feel broken, unlovable and worried about so many what if's? that some days I can't think straight. Although I have a decent job, my own home and 3/4 kids still close to me, I am not living life. I spent years drowning myself in alcohol, received 2DUI's for my stupidity and have had a lot of time to look around and realize how much I lost. It was my choice to stay and obliterate the reality with drink.
I am not yet a survivor. But I really need to close this chapter. We have close to no contact but his presence looms large in my life. I feel destroyed and just taking the first steps to rebuilding my life fills me with such fear. I am no longer in danger but Fear has been ruling me for a long time.