My Abuser does not...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
My Abuser does not...
5
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 5:47am
show the typical jealousy and money control that I have read about. He breaks up with me regularly when he is in one of his moods. I confronted him earlier this week about his abusive behaviour. He admits that he has a problem but is not remorseful. Right now we are calmly talking about splitting and he seems very receptive. I know his moods change rapidly and extremely. My question is it "normal" behaviour for an abuser not to show any discomfort that his victim may be leaving? If it is all about control and he doesn't appear to care that he is losing his....should I be wary? Has anyone else experienced this? I just want to be prepared for what may happen. Thanks, ~Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 8:57am
Some abusers honestly think that you can't manage without them, and thus leaving you is, in their minds, just one more way of sticking it to you. It may well be that this is what is going on. If I were in your shoes, I would indeed be on the alert, just in case this isn't what is going on and he escalates later; however, I suspect that "control" to him is the idea that you won't be able to make it without him. Which is, of course, nonsense. :)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:46pm

Has he ever been diagnosed with Maniac depressive illness?

Just wondering. Because he sounds like my ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 1:01pm

We left 2 weeks ago. And my husband is deluding himself I think that we aren't actually leaving....that we are just on a little vacation on the beach. Plus I think he thinks I'm just making a stand and will come home with my tail between my legs. Since I have been communicating with him I think he does this little happy dance every time I run into a roadblock. Hoping I won't succeed and life will go back to normal. He's a truckdriver and 98% of the time he's calling and talking like everything is normal. Whatever the hell that is. Giving me a weekly "allowance". When reality starts creeping in on him he gets a little crazy. I'm home packing up this weekend and finding a home for our dog. Yesterday reality started creeping up on him and he threatened to take all the money out of the bank and have the truck repo'd today before I leave. I ran straight to the bank and took out my cash...I should have never let my guard down in the first place. He did it when I first left. He called back later and said, "I didn't touch your bank account and have already made the truck payment so......" I said, I know....the money is in my pocket. You can fool me once but not twice. Now he's back to "calm, cool, collected"......which in a way pisses me off. WHich I think is another motive.....I'm like you sorry SOB, you can at LEAST have the decency to give a s**t....which maybe he's hoping it will trigger me back into MAKING him give a crap.....I just want him to hurt the way I hurt....but I don't think he can. No, he can and does....but he'll never admit it. He HAS admitted it....but then he goes right back to blaming me. For us, it was 9 years of ME holding this relationship afloat and I always felt if I walked away he'd just let it happen. And he is. But as far as your question? Yes, they can and do act that way. I think it's just mine's way of not having to admit what sorry SOB he has become as long as we are talking. I need to quit the steady communication and make it a quick "update on the kids" or something. All I'm really doing is "let's not trigger him into an explosion game". And I watch every move he makes so I can protect myself if necessary because if reality hits him full force I do believe he will do something about it.

amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 2:20pm

I do not know what "normal behavior" is for an abuser. But I can tell you about my ex. (Wow it feels good to say that!!!) He never showed any jealousy. If he had it would have been a huge red flag to me. But there was no jealousy. He also seemed very receptive to ideas about having distance between us (we have a child together). But the fact is, he doesn't believe that I will move 1000's of miles away, so he just nods his head and agrees. There is extreme backlash and passive aggressive stuff. For example, he will tell me he is going to give me space but find reasons to come over and drag out the stay. He will provoke me (which he just now admitted) and the worst is, he will use my child to do it. He pretends everything is fine, but the wheels are turning in his head and now I know better.

I have no idea what your abuser is doing or thinking, but this is my experience....there was/is no jealousy with him, almost to the extreme. In the beginning I saw no issues of money control - he seemed very generous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 4:32pm

Hi Sassy! :o)

There are soo many different types of abusers and not all of them will have jealousy issues. It is crazy how many different types there are out there. I used to think they were all just 1 kind and just a level of abuse.. but there are 10 types of abusers.

Sometimes abusers are understanding.. but other times not so much. He is probably fine with you leaving becuase deep down he knows that you won't leave. You will go back to him again and again and he has nothing to worry about. Beware, if he seems very receptive right now... I would say he will eventually come out and cry and cry and say he will change and say anything to get you to stay and work it out with him. He is the only one that can work it out.. you aren't the problem here. He is the problem.

Check out this website:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11856.1&ctx=4096

Good Luck and keep us posted.
Lauren

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