My daughter was abused.

Avatar for rob2sj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
My daughter was abused.
5
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 7:00am

My daughter was abused by her boyfriend for months. He did isolate her from family, as he did things or had her do things to make the family want to walk away from her then we found out in Jan, it was him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 7:33am

YOu should make an effort to see your daughter frequently, and to take pictures of the broken teeth and bruises......then have him prosecuted and put in jail.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 11:20pm

You are in a tough spot. What I am going to say may come across harsh and I don't think you are going to like it and by not being in your shoes but having been in shoes like your daughter I am going to base my advice on that and tell you right up front if I was in your shoes I a not sure what I would do.

It has got to be hard to watch your DD be abused and to see her go back time and time again after all your help. And I am sure it feels like a slap in the face to you what she is doing but it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. In her mind if you make her try to choose you are treating her the same way he does and being abusive. Yes you are doing it for her own good but she will not see it that way while she is caught up in the cycle and she is caught up in the cycle of abuse and will not get out of it till she is ready to. No matter what you do or say she will not stop going back to him till she is ready to. None here that have left, myself included, left till we were ready and now that we are out we look back and wonder what we were thinking.

Ok now comes the hard part and part I don't think you will like. I do not think the answer is to walk away from your DD. In fact I think that is going to make it worse. She will feel like he is all she has and that when she is ready to leave that she has no one to turn to. I felt like I had no one to help me because I had never been close to my family and did not want to ask them to help. I am not saying to keep helping her the way you have been or to ever tell her your OK with things but walking away will give him what he wants and all the power and control over her that he wants. He will use it against her to show her that he is the only one who truly cares because he is the one that can't walk away from her. Yes his reasons are evil and yours are to protect yourself but he will use that against her. After saying this I don't know what I would do if I was you but I know how abusers think and work and he will use this against her.


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 10:35am
I agree with Queen 100% - turning your backs on her is playing right into his hands. She will then be isolated, TOTALLY dependent on him and have nowhere to turn when things get bad. Do you know FOR A FACT that she is taking her meds? It sounds to me like he might be withholding them from her to KEEP her unstable and easily manipulated. Is she in bad enough shape that you can go to court and gain (for lack of a better word) custody of her? Please continue to look after her financially as best you can. Perhaps if her paycheck is directly deposited into your account and you write her bills for all her necessities and keep her on a strict "allowance" for pocket money? I know dealing with bi-polar illness is a struggle for everyone involved, whether abuse is a component or not. My heart goes out to you, but to turn your back on her because she won't toe your line would probably bring more heartache than you are dealing with now. Please contact your local domestic abuse agency for information and assistance in dealing with your dd. This is something we see all the time (I run a DV shelter.) and there is info available for you, as well as support groups and counseling. One thing you can do is set up a safety plan with your daughter, and the DV agency can help with that also. Unfortunately, that's about ALL you can do unless she goes off the rails and becomes a danger to herself or others. My heart goes out to you as you endure this pain and fear. I wish I could offer more. Please keep us posted and feel free to join us anytime with your concerns, questions or if you just need to vent. Mental illness, IMO, is a form of hell on earth. To add abuse to the equation, I know your heart is breaking. As her mama, you are her strongest ally. Please, don't abandon her completely. Do what you have to do to keep your own life peaceful, but don't cut her off completely. My prayers are with you. Take care and keep us posted.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2011
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 9:12pm
Thank you for this letter, I needed this tonight!
You are so right but this is so hard for a mom..reading this put things back into perceptive for me. thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2000
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 6:01pm

Dear Robs2,

I am very sorry to hear that your daughter is being abused.