my daugter
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my daugter
| Tue, 11-02-2004 - 2:58am |
Im just hoping someone might be able to give me some good advice, my daughter met this lad just over a year ago he was a lovely lad and he would do anything for her and she was really fond of him. The trouble was he'd had a really bad upbringing he had been beaten a lot as a young child he was being brought up by his mother who was a alcoholic, he was a ver quiet boy (ill try and cut this short) he didnt live in our town and used to come to see my daughter at weekends after a few months of us knowing him he got thrown out of his house so we decided he could come and stay with us, eventually i got him into his own place and also colege, he and my daughter was inseprable up until a couple of weeks ago and my daughter started going out with her female friend a lot and leaving her boyfriend on his own and started to treat him bad, i had a word with her and she said he had hit her i didnt agree with this at all so i spoke to him he said he was really sorry and it would never happen again. This only happened just over a week ago and since my daughter has refused to see or talk to him he has sent her letters texts messages and been to the house but she wont discuss anything with him (they are both 16) he turned up at my house yesterday he looked awfull he bought a bag of christmas presents for my daughter and said he was going back to his home town as he couldnt bear the thought of not being with her. He had seen her the night before kissing this lad she had told him before they was just mates. He thanked me for everything i had done for him and said he will always love and be there for my daughter. I gave my daughter the presents and told her he was leaving she didnt show one bit of emotion (i think she is involved with this other lad) My real problem is me i just cant put him out my mind he seems an unstable boy and im just worried as he has no family that care for him i cant sleep or eat i supose im mad with my daughter i know it dosnt make a lot of sense but please if anyone has any advice id be more than grateful. She has told me this morning she wont talk about him anymore and seems to be very hard hearted when she does talk about him, i feel i need to discuss my feelongs im feeling really depresed about it all but i dont understand why,. please help

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Dear Capridelight,
Wake up! My mum felt sorry for my ex , she made a scene in front of him when I wanted to breake up because he was 5 hours late again, she said "He is so beautiful you have to forgive him". He than attacked me on the tube, started undressing me against my will and had to be restrained by a person who was passing by. He later claimed that I wanted it because when I said no I ment yes! Than the stoking begun. 3 and a half years living in fear. Every time he did this he said I should have listened to my mother. Following me on the tube and streets of London thretening that he will destroy me and that his influential family will destroy my career if I dont come for coffe and speak to him because he loves me. Sometimes I think my mum did it out of hatred towards me. Are an abusive person yourself? Because my mum actually is, on and off but she is my mum and I cannot change that. I do have a right to choose who do I go out with and you should stay out it is not your bussiness. Go to a therapy you surely have issues like my mum. You dont know what exactly happened but as a mother you should support your child for God sake! I do not trust my mum and youn better straighten things up cos its not fair! Behave like a mother not a bitchy girlfriend.
Dear Capridelight,
My first reply was so emotionally charged because I was reacting to your first message that shocked me. Now it seems that your approach has changed for the better. My father lives in America and his reaction to my troubles was very apathetic. He actually waited the whole thing off &did not do a thing.Despite the fact my mum's approach also changed like yours and she got involved into going to the police, filing the report and applying for restraining order it did not make things better for me. Her fiirst reaction was so shocking that I am still under overwhelming belief that she does not really love me.
She is violent herself from time to time, and she used to be abusive to me when I was a child. She also works very hard and was and is a very attractive woman who believes that her life is very unlucky. The problem with me and her and the whole situation was that her English is terrible and she cannot speak it even though she has been living in UK for 15 years which is mental cos she used to be fluent in German before. They say "the less control outside the home , the more willingness to control inside the home" Anyway she could not defendd me against phonecalls and letters from my ex's family who obviously were not told the whole truth and were demanding explanation and not believing to what I had to say.
6 years later I am still haunted by the events and sometimes I am trapped into thinking that my ex may b was madly in love with me which is very destructve. I do not know what is the remedy for the trauma. Firstly and formostly though I needed to feel out of reach from him, that really improved my psychological wellbeing. I have moved to North London, burned all the letters from him that till then were just an evidence of his herrassment. My mother kept one just in case, and I must say that this very fact that she does keep it makes me feel secure and actually straightens things up between us a little, well, at least on this case.
The stoking itself stopped when I let the man in question actually approach me and win the conversation. Before that every time he was approaching me I was calling the police and he was escaping shortly afterwards. It lasted many years. He was thretening me every time and wearing dark clothes in order to camouflge himself in the dark. Than he was saying that the boyfriend I had before him was my punter and that he hates him too and other nonsense. I could not go out with anybody at all during that period and still have troubles forming long term relationship. It is strange but although he has attacked me just once and was almost immediately stopped as it was a publc place I feel like I have a very heavy baggage on my back since than. As the harassment wouldnt stop I made a report on him to the Dean of students as we were both at the same university. That made things worse but at least he stopped approaching me during the day and when I wasnt alone. Unfortunately he was stoking me at night and spying on me waiting for me to b alone and hiding in phonboxes. It was a systematic abuse with no witnesses. Besides, reporting him was even more humiliating for me than anything else. My mistake was that I actually asked the Dean not to throw him out from his studies which I did probably out of fear.
Anyway it was dreadful time and I am glad it is over but I still have remains of that awful dread in my heart. Please whatever you do give your daughter peace and quiet and full support in this terrible time she is going though.
I think you are a good mum.
You are standing by your daughter and supporting her.
Abusers have a way of sucking in people.
Nobody knows this unless they have been there.
nightangel
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