My DH attacked me, can he change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
My DH attacked me, can he change?
6
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:56am

I don't know where to begin, as this is my first time here and I dont want to be! but I want my fiance back! I want the caring, gentle, understanding and reasonable man he used to be back! We have been engaged for a few months and planned to get married in December 2006. We have our normal arguements and such. Then back in July 2006, he struck me only once, smashed a hole in the wall where I had my dresser holding the door. My dresser went threw the wall a bit. Anyways, I didnt call the cops that incident, he did on me, apparently saying I am manipulating him and suicidale. Yes I did make comments about wishing I was with my dad and brother, who just recently passed away. My brother at age 22 died in my home, under my care and thats still devastating to me. He took it into his own hands to get the ministry involved to get my kids taken away from me and get me help. Well I got evaluated and let go with my kids back, no conditions at all. Well I gave my DF a condition, and that is to refrain from alcohol, cus we argue ONLY when he drinks, I noticed a patter. I could be calm as clouds and bam he thinks I am pissed off and argues, I never win in an arguement....long story short, he asks me to marry him, I say yes after I have seen a good amount of weeks without alcohol and then just this past weekend i went to my sisters house (oct 14th) and he came to pick me up after a 12 hour shift. He had a few beers, I could smell it on him, he reaked when my sister answered the door. I imidiately went into a panick of omg here we go, fear and all. I tried to show no fear, as in animals with rage, dont show fear. Well we drove 20 minutes and he started reminising about how hes sorry he done that to me in the past( hitting me) and that he regrets it, and that hes always angry about it and wishes to find help. WIth my DF I find, once he starts to reminise then I have a problem, he usually gets in a state of mind of where he says things and forget instantly. Well I asked him nicely to stop talking about it and gave him a kiss at the red light and said lets go out for dinner. He agreed and we went to the nearest family restaurant near our home. I told him to order drinks and dinner and preceeded to the bathroom. When I got out, I noticed he ordered us alcohol drinks, himself a beer and me this Mai Tai drink, tasted good. Now I wont drink, if I say he isnt alowd, only fair. I got curious and asked him why he ordered a beer for himself. He said that he was happy we were getting married and the hotel is booked and our license for marriage is bought. I siad yes, me to. Then he grabbed my hand and said I wont let us leave here till I tell you how sorry I am for hitting you in the past, and his grip got tighter. I asked him to let go, he did. Then he said 3 different things to me, in regards to us changing the wedding date, we had planed 01/07 but switched to 12/06, I had asked him if he spoke to his mother at all, or if she called him in the last 2 weeks.

Annick

mommy to 5 boys

Sean

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:58am

I am so sorry you are in this circumstance. I want you to know that you did the right thing to reach out to this board. Honey, I am glad that you have recognized a pattern in your DH behavior. This is not your fault. You do not deserve to be treated this way. The likely hood he will change for the better is slim, in fact it's more likely things will escalate. Any abuse should not be tolerated, but the fact that he has physically hurt you shows how dangerous he can be. I know in your head you know that, but I also know that your heart is aching. I would suggest reaching out to a local domestic violence shelter and speak to a counselor. Do this for yourself and also your precious boys. This situation is just a damaging and dangerous for them as it is for you. Anytime you feel like posting here also, please do so. We will listen and support you. We know what you are going though.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:13am
Dear annickn4boyz...I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so important that you accept that no matter what good traits this man has, that these bad traits ARE ALSO him, part of who he is, his character. Alcohol does not cause people to assault others like this, it's the underlying beliefs and values one has, what he believes he's entitled to in a relationship which is basically, in this case, to never be challenged, as he sees you as lesser than him and himself as above reproach of any kind. Especially from a woman. Alcohol just makes it easier to do what he did as it lowers inhibitions, and is a handy excuse many abusers use to get away with their behavior. This is very common with abusive men, and extremely dangerous for their victims. Please get the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. This book will help you understand what goes through a man's mind that causes them to do what he did to you. Also be sure to check out the homepage and the abuse checklists. Any man who is capable of the severe level of violence against a woman that he is will also exhibit many other abusive attitudes and behaviors that you may not have been aware qualified as abuse, possibly the beginning stages of abuse. Also, any man capable of violence that severe has very little chance of changing. Even if he stops drinking, he will still believe he's entitled to things he is not. He needs to stop drinking, yes, but as it's proven that alcohol does not cause domestic violence, the cause will need to be addressed and that will only happen in a good batterer's program. But even those don't work for most abusers because most simply do not want to change and many are too damaged to be able to even if they want to. I wouldn't hold out any hope with a man who is capable of such a vicious assault. What he did was INTENTIONAL - he WANTED to hurt you badly and possibly even kill you. Something is very wrong with him at his core. Good luck in your recovery. I sincerely wish you the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:36pm

Welcome to the board Annickn :o)
(Glad to see you are from BC - I like in the Okanagan)

First things first, there are a lot of red flags in your story that concern me. I do not think that you should marry this man. His abuse will get a lot worse and it already is horrible to what he did to you that night. He might say he is sorry and start to cry, but that isn't acceptable. What he did was horrible and you do not deserve to be treated like that. All abusers play the I'm so sorry card. Over time I finally realized that it was always I'm sorry after a fight. It never got better like he said. He would still tell me to F-off after he promised he wouldn't. I finally realized after a lot of crying and heartache that he would not change.

Alcohol is not an excuse for his behavior. He sounds like he is blaming his anger and rage on the alcohol. He isn't taking any responsibility like all abusers. They never take responsibility for their actions. They always blame something or someone else and that is not acceptable.

"He pulled my hair, 300 strands out, fractured my colar bone, choked me, covered my mouth so i couldnt breath and I was un concious when the police got there. bruised me all over, tore my bra in half, tore my clothes off, I am covered in gashes....and threw a lawn chair at me when I attempted to call the police." *** Just imagine this is a good friend of yours, or sister, or someone you work with telling you that this happened to them. What would you tell them to do?? Nobody deserves EVER to be treated like this no matter what they did. Nobody deserves this!!

I am so happy to hear that they took him away. Is he still away right now??

Abusers have a 1% chance of change. That is thru counselling (Years, not months), Abusers program, willingness to change, wanting to change... etc. 1% chance!! Most abusers walk away. They do not want to put in the effor to make any changes, it is too much work.

All abusers have a good side to them. They have to for all the bad qualities that they also have. There is the abuse cycle. I am not sure if you have heard about it. It goes from the build-up stage, to the explosion, then to the hearts & flowers stage. You might have heard that people in abusive relationships feel like they are on a rollercoaster. It is so very true.

Keep posting and lurking as much as you feel like it. It really does help to get those feelings out. I also found it really helpful to post here and read other stories and realize that I really am not alone no matter how alone I felt.

Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:47pm

Hi Ann,

I know you have had your self esteem whittled down to nothing and can't even think straight due to his abuse. Please just look in your boys eyes and you will have the answer. I left an very similar situation because I looked in my young girls eyes and asked "Is that how I want them to think a man can treat a woman?" That gave me the courage to file for divorce. DO NOT MARRY HIM. Unless you want to spawn a new generation of emotional warped children and probably abusers, since they usually identify with the male and will not respect women when you couldn't in their eyes respect them (by keeping a sick man away from them) or yourself. Stop making excuses. Please get a therapist immediately in your area that is familiar with abusive men. It is really hard to make the right decisions without this assistance. My heart bleeds for you, I totally understand. I wish you the best. GET AWAY from the CREEP! Hopefully he will drop dead!

Take care,

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:47pm
Sorry for sounding so negative, but I don't think that any abuser can change without a miracle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:27pm

I had to share this. I read this in Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It is a way to see how abusers change: Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with its extensive and entrenched root system. You can't eradicate it by looping off the superficial signs. It has to come out by the roots, which are the man's attitidues and beliefs regarding partners relationships.

Lauren

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