My family forces my pain to resurface...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
My family forces my pain to resurface...
1
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 3:28am

I apologize that this is lengthy, however if anyone has the time to read this, I would honestly and truly appreciate any advice or words of wisdom.

I'm not sure if anyone will remember me from this board. I don't even remember what user name I had because it was one I used secretly to get help and support on this board. A while ago I came to this board and discussed my situation. In a nutshell, I had my son kidnapped by my ex and was here everyday as I filed an ex-parte order to get custody of my son in order to get my son back. My ex violated his RO (which was police enforced) and for an update, he still roams freely with warrants for his arrest. On a positive note, I was able to get my son back as the sheriff in the area where my ex was keeping my son happened to be a women who had also been a victim of DV. She was able to really assist us to get my son back. My DD (7) and my DS (3) are doing wonderful here in a new state, living close to my mother and several other family members. I have registered my RO here and I feel safe. I feel like I can breathe again. I have smiled from my heart (an emotion I had not even realized was missing.) I got a fantastic job, purchased a dream home (well dream for me considering it's our own house and we used to live in a basement suite) in a great neighborhood, a new car (I never had one for me and my children before as my ex took it away from me) and returned to college to finish my Bachelor's Degree in Nursing. Although I carried the emotional and physical scars of my past, they were no longer haunting me in a burdening way. They were the fuel that drove my motivation and my self confidence, my strenght. I was learning to let go of the "victim" in me and become an actual person. I was healing. I never knew how happy "happy" felt like.
So, here's where my situation gets complicated.
I wasn't trying to be involved or in the dating scene. I was terrified. Although my ex had left me when I was barely pregnant with my DS, and it had been 4 years since I was truly in a relationship, I still wanted to stay away. I had my guard up. I had never been able to fully explain the ordeals that I had gone through to anyone until I discovered that a friend of mine was someone I could talk to and found comfort in explaining my past to.I valued his friendship and soon discovered he was interested in me. And although we were together often I forced myself to refrain from falling for him. But it was inevitable. I always told myself that my doors were "closed" but not locked, meaning if someone could truly let themself into my life without a forced entry, he should be more than welcome and I would be silly to let something like that pass me by.
I cannot articulate in words how great this man is. I am so quick to see flags or premonitions that would indicate potential danger or dishonesty or anything foul at this point in my life. I trust my judgement completely. But my family doesn't.
I am starting to slip into a state of depression as my family has condemned him and has condemned me from seeing him. Why? Because he too will hurt me, impregnate me, leave me, abuse me and kidnap that child. Yes, they truly believe this, and what's worst is they truly believe I would allow it to happen.
At one of the most happiest points of my life, my mothers brother pulls me aside to tell me, "just give up, you know you can't pick a good guy, stop trying". He convinces my mother that my boyfriend (who he doesn't even know) will allow history to repeat intself and that the whole family will be embarassed if it happens. So, my mother (the emotionally passive yet insecure woman) changes her mind from thinking my BF was a great man (for once in my life) into seeing him as a potential embarassment to the family. And tells me that I am making a huge mistake. I ask for what and she says, "it's true, if you end up getting hurt again, we will all be embarassed"
I cannot believe how selfish my family is being. My cousin is getting married on saturday and my uncle (who isn't her father) said he had better not see my BF there, how much of a "slut" it would make me look like. My cousin has already paid for his dinner in a lavish reception and is anticipating him being there because they know me and have met him and trust my judgement. Actually anyone that knows me has honestly told me they are suprised and can tell he genuinely respects and cares about me. My mother is now saying she won't attend if I embarass her by bringing him. I don't want to go at all, but both my duaghter and I are part of the bridal party. My BF had even made special arrangements to be able to attend with me.
So, here I am thinking perhaps I am the common denominator. My family has caused me to bury myself in a pit of emotions that have resurfaced. I had learned to be confident and now I am so insecure. I keep thinking that I will cause my BF to be an abusive, violent person. I will cause him to cheat on me and take everything worth living away from me. I keep thinking all this, and he senses that something is so wrong, after all he fell in love with the healed woman who was confident and ready to move forward.
And through it all he remains amazing, knowing a little bit, he is supportive and respectful towards my familys decisions. It is my family however that leaves me with an ultimatum. Either I leave him and lose such a wonderful man, always wondering what would have happened and being depressed for closing out something so right. Or stay with him and allow them to torment me and repetitively tell me how it won't work, becuase *I* don't have the ability to make it work to the point where I believe them, and being really depressed.
Just FYI, I am about to be 30 years old and I am aware how childish this story may sound. I myself believed I was a grown woman. I truly believed I was strong and stable. I had no idea how hurtful my family could be. I really wish they would just trust me to make the right decisions. I am not psychic and have no idea if this relationship is forever, nobody ever knows that. I know that this man is perfect for this moment as I have never felt so appreciated and respected and loved in my entire life. I know that I can recognize signs of danger, I trust myself. I understand that my family doesn't want to see me go through what I went through. But as I was healing, they have reduced me back to ground zero, and I can feel my emotional wounds opening and starting to bleed. My heart is starting to hurt.
I know dealing with DV is a rollercoaster that will come and go through my life. But I am so lost right now. How could I have been so happy, and now feel so distraught. I have even had suicidal thoughts resurface. I thought I was doing so great for myself and my children. My daughter has even told me how happy she was that I am happy and have a great man in my life who she even loves and respects, keep in mind she had experienced first hand the ugliness between my ex and I, so naturally she would be hesitant, but the whole situation was very comfortable.
What am I doing wrong? Is 4 years of being single not long enough? Do I look like a "slut" if everyone knows what I went through and have a BF? Am I just supposed to stay miserable forever....I just dont know. Can someone give me some advice on how to deal with this? Should I not bring him to the wedding and upset the bride who already paid for him, but potentially create a scene that could disturb the wedding? Potentially hurt my BF? Am I being stupid to believe that I really have what it takes to see potential signs of danger?

Sorry so so long. I just have no idea who to turn to, as most of my friends have never been through what I went through. Please Help.

TIA,
Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 7:46am
Dear Jane,
I had started out reading your post and thinking how sweet it was for your family to care that much for you....Obviously, as I read on, I realized just how selfish they are.
There is a phenominea out there wherein family members get so used to having a victim of DV depend on them it is threatening to them when the SURVIVOR of DV moves on with her life. "Now how am I to define my relationship with her?" THat seems to be where your family is.
Can you et them to therapy? Probably not but this would be the appropriate place to start. IT IS NOT all about them!!!!! But good luck trying to convince them of that!
The important people in this equation are you and your children.
You should feel free to move on in life. Perhaps the res of the family will move on with you, perhaps not. They are not the ones living your life.
I hope you have found the happiness you so richly deserve and don't let your past define who you are today. Or let your family convince you that you need to stay a victim forever. You are a SURVIVOR!!!! (blessed sigh of relief) Welcome to the survivor sisterhood!
Kim