my first bruise...do I report it?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 12-28-2006 - 2:56am |
I have been married 7 years and endured emotional/verbal abuse but last night I got my first bruise. I need help now before the bruise disappears. I would like to have a legal account of this but if I report this to the police how private is the report? I've heard about web listings of people's mere traffic warnings where no ticket was even issued. I thought I could just have him hand write a note attached to some pictures of my bruise to record this incidient or just report this to my doctor but I think they have mandating reporting laws and so does our couples counselor but we have to talk about this! Am I stupid for wanting to keep this a secret and hoping he can change? I keep waiting to have kids with him until we fix his/our problems. We just started couples counseling 6 months ago after a huge emotional abuse in front of his family. (I was mortified). This physical abuse (the bruise) just happened on vacation last night so we cut our vacation short and drove 8 hours home together and now I'm also worried that I can't report this in another jurisdiction. :( He is also at his worst when he drinks so he wants to quite drinking but I keep telling him the problem is much deeper than that so he has to do something more to change the problem. I contacted an abuse center but I worry because he doesn't fit the profile of an avid abuser. I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm in an unrepairable relationship. I hope the crisis center can help us.
I need help now to know what I should do with the bruise and can someone hit you once and verbally abuse you and later be "fixed"?
J

Pages
Fabulous!
There is not a single possibility that this man could tell you you're not willing to contribute. The journaling together is a big deal, as long as you respect each other's privacy and CHOICE to share, don't you think?
Nonetheless, if he's mean, stop yourself. Do you WANT to be that person? If you're conscious of it, you're able to CHOOSE not to respond in fashion. You can't change him, but by how you respond, they're forced to change their next response. Just because you worked yourself to death trying to be nice earlier doesn't mean you stop now. Just like you're not walking away? Why walk away from yourself. I think, though, if someone has to TRY to be nice? It's not from the heart. Be yourself, but observe.
Good luck. It sounds that despite the (normal) desire to ignore and believe, you're making excellent steps.
C.
C-
Thanks. I have been concsious of when hubby is getting mean and I've tried different responses over the years to see what works and now I found that no matter what I do: cry, fight back, laugh, ignore him, or leave the house nothing works or is healthy. So now we're working on him not getting like that. My reactions will help but I have a long way to go because I do have resentment. Last night we he got mad at me for not being up for sex last night even though he wasn't up for it the night before when I came on to him. I was mad at his double standard...which is a common thread in our marriage. Then we couldn't get past it and were each thinking the other was really mad and I started getting myself upset. In our fights he says we're making "no progress" but I do see progress. I hope he's just talking out of anger in those moments. I was also getting upset at the burden I felt I was being left with of chores while he took on another task but invited guests over so I have to cook and get the house clean. I tried explaining that his makes me resentful and reminds me of the past - how everything is what he wants and how he forgets to even think about me and think his plans through. After arguing he finally agreed to help me but he refused to be made sorry and appreciative of my work for the situation he put me in. And I feel guilty for thinking he owes me big time - that's one of my biggest hang-ups.
Well, we're working on things. He took me to a movie he picked with me in mind and he bought concert tickets for us for a band I like...things that he's never done for me.
J
Sweetie, #1, SEE YOUR DOCTOR. NO ONE has the right to hurt you.
Hey
Oh thats horrible
One question, why are you still with him? I mean, obviously there are ties, and things, possibly children. But if he can hit you once, he can hit you twice and so on. And not only that you have suffered emotional and verbal abuse at the hands of this "man". For your own safety, I would strongly suggest considering leaving him. He can't love you if he puts you through this. If you want to stay, then I would advise seeking him help. And maybe help for yourself, to support you.
Report it. If you don't now, if he does something worse, or you try to leave and have custody of any children, and mention this abuse, then it wont be on record, but if it is on record, then you have him nailed. Please don't worry about it leaking, it won't. Everything is confidential I can assure you.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx
YES YOU REPORT IT!!!! This is abuse! Get a disposable camera and take pictures. And no, they will not just issue him a "warning". HE BRUISED YOU!!!!!!! This was not a mistake, or an oops. Since he has been emotionally abusive, the physical is on its way, and has now begun. It will not stop, it will only get worse. Leave him, he is not the only guy on the planet for you. yeah, yeah you love him, HE HURTS YOU! If you had a dog that bit you every time you tried to pet him, would you keep him? NO, so dont keep a guy who abuses you. And dont let him make you think its all your fault. They are very good at that, for example: "If you didn't make me so mad, I would not have yelled/hit you/bruised you". Its a cop-out and a way to make them deflect all responsibility.
LEAVE HIM
Pages