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| Fri, 02-10-2006 - 9:58am |
Hi everyone,
I used to be a very regular poster on iVillage, and so I knew this was the best place to come for help.
I have been living with my boyfriend since the fall of 2000. At that time, I was a single (widowed) mom with two kids, and he was a divorced dad with two kids. His divorce was the result of his infidelity, coupled with domestic (verbal and threatening) abuse. Well. you know how in the beginning you believe HIS side of the story, and think his ex was over the top? That was me. I was wrong.
In February of 2002, we became engaged, but I have never gone through with actually planning (or going through with) the wedding because of his actions. We now have two children together, a 4 year old and a 3 year old. I have not worked since having the children, and I am completely financially dependant on him. One of our children has special needs which requires a couple of hours of in-home therapy on a daily basis, which has prevented e from being able to get out and get a job. I previously held an executive level position, however I am now looking at working nights (waitressing) in order to be able to establish some sort of income for myself.
We recently purchased a house together, his name is on the mortgage, and both of our names are on the deed. It was the home we had been living in as renters together for two years. At the time, we had the option to buy the house or move. We couldn't move, and so we went ahead the the purchase. I insisted that the deed be in both our names, because I knew that he would try to evict me in one of his rages if the house was in his name only.
I dream of leaving him on a daily basis, but like others, I am afraid of what he might do if I leave. His abuse is verbal, and threatening. It comes in spurts, and is most often wild accusations that he insists are true, but of course they aren't. Everyone in the house is his target, and when it happens, nothing I say or do can stop it. No matter where I go to, he follows me around, ranting. On a few occasions, he has either threatened to kill me, told me he has fantasized that I was dead, or screamed "I feel like I need to kill somebody". I'm sure our situation is not much different from others. My son has called the police to our house twice. Here are my questions:
1. How do I get it so that HE is the one who physically leaves the house? It is a large five bedroom home, and I would be with the four children. He would be alone. I don't want to leave and go to a shelter. I want to leave him, but I want him to be the one who physically leaves. How do I do that? If it is determined that we sell the house, and go into seperate homes, how do I get him to pay for my First/Last deposits? Because I haven't worked, I have no references OR money.
2. How do I arrange for supervised visitation? I am VERY apprehensive about allowing him visitation. When he is awake, he is at his computer. He is NEVER off of his computer. He gets up at 4:00 am and goes to his office. He stays there until he goes to bed at night. If I ask him to spend time with the family, take me to the grocery store, he becomes enraged, and screams "I have work to do you know -- I'm WORKING. Somebody has to earn money here. Do you understand me, do you understand ANYTHING? You just don't get it, we need money!!!" In the meantime, he is completely oblivious to anything that is going on the house, and allows the children (3 and 4) to wander around on their own, completely un-supervised. He will fix food for himself, but not them. If he was left alone with them, they would get into the knives, fall down the stairs, leave the house--He would not even realize it! He gets into his computer, and is just completely oblivious to anything going on around him. For these reasons, I NEVER leave him in charge of the kids if I have to go somewhere--I only go out when my teenage daughter is home, and can care for them.
I have every faith that I can find the help I need in this community. I am posting under a ficticious name, as he is a computer geek, and monitors the sites I visit -- at times I've found that copies of my emails are also delivered to him. I am taking a chance posting here, but I just need help and don't know where to go.
Thanks so much,
Mary

Hi Mary, and welcome to the board.Your safety is my main concern,this man sounds very dangerous.Have you considered calling a local Domestic Violence Center for support? They can give you tips to help you do what you need to do,and to keep you safe.It's also a good back-up in court proceedings.
Someone asked the very same question not long ago,"How do I get him to leave?".
I'll repeat an incident that happened to me,as I'm not sure I can find the post quickly.
My H had an "episode" where he punched a whole in our wall,I called the police and they removed him with an emergency protective order.The order was only temporary,but I could have went to court before the 6 days were up and had it extended for a full year.The protective order would have given me full posession of the house/car for that year had I followed up on it.
I can't give you advice on the supervised visitation as I've never had to deal with that,but there are a few regular posters on this board that have been through this and may be very helpful to you in that regard.
Please be very careful.My thoughts and prayers are with you,post when it is safe and let us know how you are doing.This board is a great source of support and comfort.
((hugs)), Serenity
Welcome! For tips on computer safety, you can check out our board website, located under the "Learn more about this community" link. Check out www.womenslaw.org for tips on restraining orders, getting him out of the house, etc.
A thought- if he's violent, could the cops perhaps remove him? I know we had another poster whose husband was removed by police, but I can't recall the details; I hope she will see this. As for getting him to pay for stuff, I believe you can get that in some kind of court order, perhaps included as child support. Like I mentioned, check out the sites above for specifics.