My friend got beat up by her boyfriend!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
My friend got beat up by her boyfriend!!
4
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 5:18pm

Hey all.

I really dont know what to do about this one. Let me do a little recap...My friend is (used to be) a really strong independant woman. She never let anybody mess with her. Until she met her boyfriend. They have been together for 1 year, and me and my other friends have only had the pleasure of meeting him onle ONCE!!. Anyways, he's an obsessive, controlling psychopath violent low-life drug dealer. He makes her cry on a daily basis, calls her a whore in public, and tells her that his ex gf (which is also her friend) is much better then her.

Well, a few days ago he finally crossed the line and beat her up. He gave her bruises all over her arms and even choked her. You would think that a smart independent dont-mess-with-me kinda girl would have left this loser a long time ago. But no, she cried to me for a few hours, and then took him back because "he said sorry"!!!!!!!!!!!

I am beyond shoked, disappointed and scared for her. I dont know how to get through to her. I remember once when my own bf called me a stupid bitch, she told me to leave him right away or he will start getting violent!! If only she could follow her own damn advice. So my question is..what do I do???? I dont think anything I could tell her will make her leave him, she is on another planet right now. I feel as if I barely know her anymore. So what do I do??? How do you get through to someone who is blinded by love????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 5:57pm

Hi Lady -


Wow.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 6:12pm
Hugs to you sweetie. I know how difficult this is for you. I have been on both sides of the fence. Like you i had a best friend who was being abused and even let her kids be abused by her boyfriend. I cut contact with her for certain reasons.. very long story. I have also been the victim of abuse so i understand and can relate to women like your friend. You can tell her to leave her boyfriend til your face turns blue... she will not leave him until she's reached that certain point. The only thing you can do is be there to support her, listen to her and provide some information and resources about domestic abuse. The more information and support she has the more likely she'll leave him. Abusers make their victims feel isolated, worthless, stupid, confused, lost, depressed, etc and then another day make them feel like a queen but that only lasts during the "honeymoon phase" which is referred to the time abuser pretends that they are so sorry, acts so sweet, kind, loving, and caring. This is the time they'll do something nice, buy flowers and gifts or whatever. This is one of the many tactics abusers use to keep their victims from leaving. Like your friend, I thought his apologies were genuine. I never seen a man drop to his knees, ballin his eyes out, begging me not to leave him. I really thought this displayed how much he loved me and that he was going to change. No one is truely sorry if they keep on repeating the same behavior over and over again. It'll only get worse for your friend. I consider myself a very smart and very independent person but i got manipulated and fooled by an abuser. Abuse can happen to anyone, there is no discrimination. I used to think like many others how could a smart, beautiful person take this crap from anyone. I was angry at myself for a long time. I was criticized and called stupid for staying with ex which is not therapeutic at all. It made me feel worse about myself. Its very difficult to leave an abuser. I honestly believe that because i had the support of my best friend, support from here, and alot of information about abuse...i was able to leave abusive ex for good. I know how frustrating this is for you and how much you want to help her. Perhaps you can refer her to this message board it will sure make her look at her situation a little bit more clearer. Hang in there sweetie and let us know what happens. Hugs, Tia.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 7:02pm

I'm not sure how to write this. I have held it in for a couple of months. The last place I lived in Cal, before moving to Az one year ago, I had a friend next door. When we moved there was an older couple that I loved living next to us. They had four son's , youngest (35) still at home. Other three out of State. This guys was a real looser. Long story short all he wanted to do was find the right girl. He did and she became my friend. The year or two before I left I tried to get her help. She was really nice but turned to drinking. They had two children. 6 and 1. They all lived next door, downstairs is where they stayed. Lots of things went on, one was on the 4th (they had moved into their own place for a short time), he beat her, she went to hospital and they found him hiding in the closet. Arrested and released. I remember something about DUI, DVs and warrants for his arrest. Parents did not deserve this son. They blame LeAnn. I tried to help her through DV but they couldn't help until she stopped drinking. Just last month my ex left a message on my phone saying tough you would like to know LeAnn died. I wii never get over this. I called a girlfriend and she knew nothing. To this day all I know is that she was found dead on a couch in someone's house. She was in her early 30's. I lived in a gated community that everyone new everyone's business. I don't know what more I could have done if I had still been there. It is just so sad that this is going on in our lives. Thanks for letting me get this out only here I know that people understand and care.

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 7:25pm

Oh, hon, how awful!

CL-Blueliner4