My "great guy" and "abuser"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
My "great guy" and "abuser"
4
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 1:30am
Hello, again, to this wonderful board and all supporters who pulled me through my turmoil. It's been one month and four days since I left my "great guy" and "abuser". Yes, I've been reading the posts tonight. I finally got a new computer and made him pay for it, considering I do have my daughter at times.

I'm having real problems with so-called friends and family dealing with my leaving my home. So-called friends and immediate family are very distant. They think he's such a great guy. You know why? Because I never bad mouth him. Well, let me tell you. Tonight I've made a decision that I'm tired of hiding his verbal abuse to me and also have decided I need more time with my daughter. I have gotten more support from his side of the family (my mother-in-law and his sister) than I have gotten from my family. Does that tell me something?! Yep, it sure does. My mother-in-law lived the life I lived, and she understands (thank goodness). But I never bad mouth him and, as I say, go into the gory details. Therefore, so-called friends and immediate family think he's such a nice guy. Well, last night I went to dinner with a friend. She and I discussed our H's (her's walked out on her). We enjoyed the evening only for me to come home to this irate message that I was out partying all night while he was at home packing for my 14 yr. old daughter to go on vacation on Monday. Mind you, last night was Thursday. I was going to help her pack on Sunday. Then he called shortly after I got home to let me know that she didn't have her mother there to pack for her because I was out "partying", yet he can go shoot pool at least twice a week and get drunk to boot. By the way, my daughter was with me for four days over the weekend. He hung up the phone in my ear after cursing that inappropriate ***u language. Then he wouldn't let me talk to her this morning. She finally did call me at work, and her and I had dinner together this evening. I told her I need to see her more often and asked if she would like to be with me more. She said she would and told me he was cursing me out last night. She told him she didn't want to hear it and get a grip that I do have friends.

I know I'm rambling but the problem is, he's still trying his best to control me though I've moved out. We're still married. And his controlling, possessive ways are now and have always been interacting with my daughter. But when I lived at home, I was able to help the situation of his controlling ways with her. She crys to me about him picking and chosing her friends and him not trusting her. I won't bad mouth him to her. I just look at her and tell her "I understand". And I've told her before, these are some of the reasons why I left. She's seeing a psychologist that he chose who I don't feel is being very helpful. My daughter needs positive feedback, and I don't see it in this doctor. I asked her "did she ask you what makes you happy?" She said "no, only what makes her sad". There's other things I just got bad vibes from, but that's another story.

My point is, I'm tired of making him look like he's "okay" because I didn't want people to think of him being so bad. If they only knew what he says to me. So now I'm telling people the things he's saying to me. Like last night. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm the bad one here. I'm not even talking to him. I picked my daughter up tonight and he said "what's your problem?" I told him I have nothing to say to you. That I didn't deserve how he talked to me, and I have nothing to say. I didn't feed into him so now he's really angry.

My daughter will be back from vacation in ten days. I'm going to work on my relationship with her. I'm done with him. I just worry how he bad mouths me all the time in front of her that it makes her resent me. He feeds into her brain. When she told me that she told him she didn't want to hear it, I thanked her. Over the weekend when she was with me, he and I got into an arguement on the phone and I was crying. She asked "what did he do now?" I just said "nothing". I won't bad mouth him to her, yet he does it with me. So in retrospect, she's in the middle. He actually puts her there by his words and I put her there by my emotions, even though I don't say anything.

I've ranted, and rambled, and this was long (sorry), but this board has helped me so tremendously. I tell all my fellow friends to come here for support.

Thanks again,

And yes I'm "Happy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003

This is something I struggle with constantly.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Thanks, Cheryl. I've gotta get that book. Yesterday, when Kay told me how it hurts her and she crys because he doesn't trust her, I just told her "yes, honey, I understand." The same way I told her I understood when he tries to control who her friends are. He doesn't like hardly any of them the same way he didn't like mine. She knows her dad never trusted me, although he never had any reason to mistrust me. She knows I didn't have any friends because he wouldn't "let" me. This morning I told him I wanted to see her more often and that she was okay with that. Well, he wasn't!!! He told me he wasn't going to arrange his schedule around mine so I could see her. I told him it wouldn't be any different and too bad; she was my daughter too! He wants to control her now. He wants her to be with him more and alienate her from me. He's not! I won't let him. I've realized this now. It was like a light bulb that went off. As for the therapist, I need to find another one for her after these visits are over. I didn't care for her. I'm not so sure she's helping Kay. If she is, then fine; that's great. That's what matters. But she's not real positive. And I got turned off immediately because she didn't even introduce herself to me and she's a professional. My H actually introduced her to me and I stuck out my hand to shake hers and she never even did tell me who she was. Maybe it's me. I take things personally. Maybe I will call her and tell her that Kay would like to see her on her own next time and see what she says. H already told me "she's the doctor; she's the one that knows." I think I'll just take it upon myself and see what happens. I've experienced a therapist and she was a good one. I can't take Kay to her though because of insurance, but there are others.

I've gotta get that book. That's a good idea. Thanks.

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Whoa!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In my opinion, staying in contact with these guys is a mistake. Only discuss with them about the kids as needed. Don't share your personal thoughts, feeling, experiences or the children's. They WILL use it and twist and manipulate it to suit their needs. Mine would call my cell phone at least 6 times during work, just to "talk". I don't want to "talk" to this abuser. They will try to control YOUR TIME and LIFE if you let them. They will do anything to learn what they can to use against you in court, too.

I wouldn't say anything to your friends until the final decree. He's probably already played the victim with them, making you the "bad guy". I have several emails waiting to be sent telling my "so-called" friends how they've been duped by this man and informing them all the heinous acts and words I have been subjected to for the last decade. I don't care if they finally come around and see the truth at this point. As they say, " With friends like that, who needs enemies?"