My head is gonna explode..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
My head is gonna explode..
5
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 12:18am

I don't even know where to start. I have two kids 23 and l8. Have been married for 24 yrs on Monday. I think my dh is soooo mentally abusing. He lets my dd get away w/ things so he does not have to bother nor confront her. You have to trust me it is not being able to not let go of her, but she running like a nut this summer. Doing absolutely nothing constructive and I am very scared for her she is self destructing. I suspected her using something for months, dh of course called me nuts, and then finally relief for me, cuz I figured help for her, and I find a bottle of vodka in her p. book. He grounds her for one week. He allows her to do really outrageous things like head to the beach at 9 and drive home at ll on road which have no lights etc. She has already had one accident and has been warned by MVD on more thing and she could face consequences.

I cannot believe what he allows to control and pull off around here. I told him she needed to buckle down during jr year as colleges look at this and he said no, he would punish vs. guide her to do good. She sure enough bombed the SAT and did not do well at all on her report card. Did not flunk out but not the expectations SHE set for herself. She was having wayyy too much fun, going out every weeknite vs. studying because dad said it was ok till l0:30 I almost fainted when he allowed this as she is involved in sports which leaves very little time for school work. I know by her age kids go out alot but when she is home she hides up in her room, goes to bathroom, eats lunch in room, and comes down only to run out.

DH has set up a wedge between us, where she talks to me about nothing calls me f'n b*** and says she hates talking to me. When I tell her she cannot do something she calls dh at office or gets him if he is home and 75% of the time or more reverses my decision. She has two little part time jobs which I objected to because they prevented her from getting a real job to make any $$$$$$$$. Boyfriends work there so it is more socializing. He allows her to dis me in front of him and says nothing. She walked down the other day, and said thought you were going to divorce her. Once she broke a mirror and dh and I both ran upstairs (broke mirror cuz I told her she could not go out) he said don't worry honey I will get rid of the bi*** i promise I will divorce her soon. I don't know what the hell to do. She is headed down a slippery slope she tells me stop talking to her and totally has shut me out due to him.

Why is God's name would a father go this overboard for a daughter vs. a wife? We are supposed to be a team. People who have known my dh all his life cannot believe the change in how he was vs. how is now. Professes to be this big strict caring parent and he is BS. What the hell am I gonna do. I feel like I am losing it, and you cannot believe the other stress factors I have in my life rite now. If you have read this much so far thank you soooo much. I am thinking of calling a counselor Monday to straighten my head out before it really does explode. I love being a mom and I never dreamed this nitemare I am living is happening. It is day in and day out. When he comes home from work he sits us down like two sisters to hear her side and my side LOL: insane

Thank you and pls help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 9:23am
I definitely think you should get in touch w/a counselor on Monday regarding this and I know it will help you immensly.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 10:03am

Thanks again for your response, you hit the nail right on the head. Undermining me is nothing less than emotional and mental abuse. Twists and spins all her wrong doings saying it is I who is being negative. I guess it's a rhetorical question and no one will ever know why these guys pound us women in so many different ways. All I know is, and no suprise neither kid has an ounce of respect for me. This is so hard, if and when I was allowed to mother I did a dam good job. I really am a great mom, and my whole world are my kids. He is overwhelmed with work (NO excuse) and it is easier for him to just say yes to everything. And it is easier for him not to comment when she is being disrespectful. He has never really been a dad he has had his sports, karate, taken on free lance projects, anything but....o but he is great for an occasional boat ride or some stupid thing.

Thanks again, I wish I could calm down. Just this a.m. my son says to me "mom what did you do with my MRI orders throw them away"...ewww URGH what a wakeup huh? What mom would do that? The MRI orders were phoned in. Son is starting to mind funk me just like his dad. DD says to me yesterday "mom I know you hid my white work shirt didn't you"? Or course I didn't she found it with absolutely NO apology. This is such a busy stress filled week and I feel like doing nothing, and the life has been sucked rite out of me.

Laur

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 11:00am

You're welcome hun.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 2:41am
Why would be do this? B/c he is trying to manipulate you both. He is abusing you both. But this "child" is also OLD enough to be making her own decisions & judgements on what is right & wrong, & she is taking the easy way out & taking "his side".

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 7:29am

Yep I guess you are right it is all a manipulation game. The sad thing is your right she is an adult old enough to be making decisions on what is right and wrong, but after living so long with seeing how he treats me and more how she is allowed to control the entire house, I actually feel more sorry for her than anything else. Why? Because it was me staying with him, who let her down. I know I am not perfect but there is little doubt in my mind she would be where she is today with attitude and alot of other issues.

I guess I just figured we could be a happy little household and too, I was scared that had we divorced and she went with him, she would be twice as bad as she is now. I talk to mom alot about this and the more I tell her the more she says, I see now why you did not divorce him i cannot imagine what she would be like; no guidelines ..no boundries..everything is fun. No responsibilies..and it shows. She was a 3.5 3.7 in freshman yr of high school high honors taking honor courses when i was "allowed" to unplug the net, take away cell etc. She is down to 3.0 this a girl who wanted a really great college to go to and had high aspirations.

Then he decides she has a l0 30 weeknite curfew I was blown away. WHAT !!! during school nites. With her active schedule there was no reason for that. And now during the summer she works these piddly little jobs not even 10 hrs a week and talks about getting serious work when she gets back to school, it's just too much fun to work now.

i am calling counselor lst thing this a.m. I cannot take anymore everyone around here thinks its fun to mess with my head. My husband and I for all intense and purposes are divorced he goes out to do martial arts twice a week, works late during the week and now the newest thing is out Sat. nite with one of the kids doing things he knows I hate, and then Sat or Sun p.m. or a.m.fishing on the boat. I hate that boat, and for health reasons cannot go on it. The day she grads hi school I am so outta here. She will probably live at college so living w. either parent won't be an issue and talk about being scared about away at college. Wow. She is out every day and nite and says she never gets to go out. I told DH enough is enough with her summer fun she is getting carried away and DH said as long as she has nothing to do here what does it matter. It maters alot. There are tons of things she could be doing, we could be doing, but she chooses otherwise. Omgg i am rambling, but thanks for letting me get all this off my chest.