My Head Is Spinning...please listen...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
My Head Is Spinning...please listen...
8
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 9:49am

He came over yesterday ...and stayed into the night ...he has never been this way before...we had a long heart to heart..and I was honest about everything and so was he .he has never fully fessed up to his tactics,but he did ;last night .He told me all about how he had tried to keep me under control bc of his jealousy etc.

There is one thing I havent mentioned to you guys....even thoguh he had manipualted me since high school..the abuse did not get to really be "abuse" until ...well I should just say it ...I had an affair .

NOT A sexual affair ..but I had a friend who listened to me and cared about me when my husband didnt ,and we just fell in love ...

So after about 18 months of seeing him , I told my Husband..thats when he pointed the loaded gun at me ...and thats been the reason for all this abuse ,NOT an excuse,but it was the match that lit the fire so to speak.so naturally I feel that it was my fault .

now I am confused,he wants to come back home .He seems so different now ...and I think back to the way he was beofre the affair...he was kind ,gentle ,decent,hard working ,good all around person ,everyone wanted to be married to him .they thoguht I had it all .

I am not in love with him ...he knows this ...he knows that I am deeply in love with someone else .but says he can win me back ..he can make me forget about all the things that have happened , and I will love him again ...

I believe him ( I know that sounds crazy ,but for some reason I do )

even thoguh I dont love him , if he did come back , all my problems go away .I can go back to life the way it was before.I wont be lonley ,broke,worried .

I might mention that the love of my life ( whom I had the relationship with , is 1000 miles away from me ,and there seems to be no chance of a future together ,no matter how bad I want it,bc of the distance )

my husband tells me that ,of course ,I would have to end things with the other man .and then everything will be ok ,he forgives me ,and will make me happier than ever before .

I am so confused .How do I give up the love of my life ,for someone who abused me ,(even thoguh it was my fault ,he still didnt have to handle it that way )

anf how d oI know its not just another tactic ( even thoguh I feel its not ) is that just me trying to look past bc I AM broke ,alone ,and depressed with three little kids to take care of ?

my point is ,bf the other man came into the picture ,there was no abuse .and he is telling me that if I get him out of the picture now ,that there will never be again .

I just dont know.

EDITED to add: one thing that really has been bugging me is that he has another woman who is telling him hat she loves him ,he stole her heart blah blah blah ,this makes me crazy jealous...I wonder if thats anpther reason that I am considering taking him back.

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 11:34am

I hate to be blunt (but like it when others are with me) but here goes:

Read your last 10 posts, carefully.

This is another tactic. They will try anything. He is brainwashing you right now. Your affair did not cause his abuse. He has an abusive personality and ANYTHING he wants to set it off will. He knows he's been losing control over you and is trying everything under the sun to regain it. Don't let him cloud your judgement. Don't let him in. He seems sincere because they are MASTER MANIPULATORS!!! My husband has lied over and over right to my face. No one would ever know it - he fooled me for so long. Please be careful.

And please re-read all of your posts. You deserve much, much more than this behavior. You deserve love and respect and can get it if you get away from this jerk.

Lisa

Avatar for adryl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 11:47am

Love Sick,

Please be careful with this.

"There is one thing I havent mentioned to you guys....even thoguh he had manipualted me since high school..the abuse did not get to really be "abuse" until ...well I should just say it ...I had an affair."

Manipulation is just another form of control/abuse. So please don't pretend like everything was great before your affair.

"NOT A sexual affair ..but I had a friend who listened to me and cared about me when my husband didnt ,and we just fell in love ..."

Not justifying what you did, but you didn't have sex with this other person. This other person simply filled a need your husband wasn't. We all need to be listened to and cared about, and your husband wasn't meeting that need, so you looked for it elsewhere. What makes you think he'll fill that need now?

"Even though I dont love him , if he did come back , all my problems go away .I can go back to life the way it was before.I wont be lonley ,broke,worried."

Lonely, broke, worried can change for you without him. Do you really think you should take back someone who manipulated you BEFORE your affair, who didn't listen or care about you as you needed BEFORE the affair? You deserve so much better.

"My point is ,bf the other man came into the picture ,there was no abuse .and he is telling me that if I get him out of the picture now ,that there will never be again."

Before the affair there was abuse - manipulation/control. And look at what you're saying. He's blaming you for his own incompetencies. He didn't give you the love and caring you needed, you found that elsewhere, he abused you, he blames his abuse of you on you because you "cheated", because he abused (by neglecting) you. Simpler put - he abused you, you "cheated", he abused you. He blames that abuse on the fact that you "cheated" which you did because he abused you in the first place. See how twisted this is?

I fear this is merely a tactic on his part to get back into your life to manipulate/control you again. If he's truly capable of doing better by you, then he's capable of doing it without moving back in and playing happy family like nothing ever happened. And he should be capable of doing this long term without moving back in.

Just my thoughts. Please be careful.

Adrianne

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 12:13pm
Why would you go back to him when you are in love with someone else?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 12:32pm

long story...I cant be with the other man ,and may never be able to ..bc of the distance between us ...I cant take the kids away ...he has a child as well..that he cant take away.

My husband knows that I am in love with him...and I told him ,no matter what ,even IF the abuse did stop..that its not fair to him bc I will always love the other man ..he told me to make a decision...by the end of the day .

SO...

(A) the abuse stops (very unlikley I know ) and we have a happy life together ,with me alwasy having love for another man ..always thinking about him ...wanting to be with him ..
(B) I take him back ,the abuse continues,and I have to leave him all over again .

(C)I tell him to go to hell,and take his ultimatums with him...live with his harassment about the other man,as well sa everything else ,and still never be able to be with him ...struggle with daily life,depression,no money,no help with my kids.

my kids are very mad and hurt bc their dad is gone ...they are mad at me ..my sons grades are slipping ..he is acting out ...I feel that they will pay more than I will

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 2:05pm

I just want to find the words that will help you and leave you without a doubt of what needs to be done. You deserve to love and be loved heart and soul, you deserve to be respected, cherished and be completely free to be who you are and you will never, ever find that with him, however you can find it without him. I know it seems so daunting financially and emotionally that is because you cannot see the forest for hte trees (I think, LOL). On the other side of your pain and fear of lonelinees and isolation is a world of hope and happiness...trust me, you cannot see it just yet but there are manyhere who can testify that it exists, we found it and so can you. You do not love him and there is nothing ot be gained from taking him back except further abuse. I was deathly afraid in the beginning...and most of my fear was of being broke and not being able to provide for my kids, support us or give us a decent life and truth be told I still have fear but I also know I can get through my fear becasue I have been for 2 years. Me and the kids are very happy, healthy and we have a home, I just bought a car and have been able to stick some money in the bank. Its baby steps, one small step at a time. You need committ to the first part of option (C) and tell him to go to HELL, tell him loud and make it clear, get a RO and if he harrasses you call the cops, if you struggle talk to a friend, depressed - find counselling, but first step first and tell him to go to hell adn then find your next step. I hope something said here by any one helped you, please keep posting and let us know what happens.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 2:21pm
you have all helped me to see things as they are ...thanks ...I just cant think clearly right now .

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 10:44am

Hon, I'm seeing you trying to choose between going back to an abuser and leaving for someone you'll spend your life pining for.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 10:46am

You already know, somewhere inside, what will happen if you take him back. Listen to your gut, and tell him to go jump in the lake.

As for kids suffering, I want to address this, because it is SO common for people to think that they will suffer from a split, and that is SO not true in a DV situation. Ask yourself this. What is more unhealthy for your son? To not have a dad in the home, or to learn from his dad that it is acceptable to abuse women and to eventually abuse his own wife one day? What is more unhealthy for daughters, if you have them- to come from a so-called "broken home", or to learn that they are nothing more than men's playthings and have to take whatever men dish out? Just some food for thought.

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