My husband hit me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
My husband hit me
4
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 11:18pm
My husband and I have been together 17 years and we have a 2 year-old DD. We argue a lot but he has never hit me before.
We both had a stressful week last week. My husband was very supportive through a tough experience. He wouldn't admit it, but I think he may be tired of putting me first lately.
We attended an outdoor event with his boss today. I think my husband was feeling pressure b/c of his boss being there. When we left, it was 100 degrees, our daughter was wailing, and we had to carry a bunch of stuff to the car, so our nerves were frayed.
When we got to the car, I strapped in the DD while H loaded what he was carrying into the back of my CRV. I opened both doors on the driver side to try to cool off the car a bit, and I told H 2, maybe 3 times to leave the back door open. He looked at me with disregard and shut the door after he had emptied his load. Although I didn't say it, my intention was to leave the door open until I loaded what I was carrying so that the air would be circulating through the open doors. After I loaded my backpack, I would then start the car and turn on the a/c.
Well hubby intentionally ignored me saying "don't shut the door" at least twice and shut it anyway, right before I needed to put my backpack in. I snapped at him and said something about leaving it open for the air to circulate and he snapped back that I should just turn on the car & a/c (which of course, I couldn't do yet b/c I was strapping in DD and had to get the backpack off my back first).
So I muttered that he was a "stupid, f%^&king idiot" just loud enough for him to hear, and I threw my backpack in the back.
This is when he hit me. He struck me fairly hard on the back of the head at the base of the skull. I was stunned.
I turned to him furious and he was very close in front of me then, and I could see that he was mad, mad, mad and so was I. My first impulse was to stand up for myself, maybe to strike him back or to scream in his face, but I was afraid of what he might do and I thought of my daughter in the car. Instead I calmly said that I couldn't believe what he had just done and got in the car. I don't remember exactly but he said something about me calling him an idiot, and I said that could never justify him hitting me and that he was lucky that I was willing to drive him home.
We drove in silence for a while and then I told him that he doesn't realize how hard he hit me, and he started yelling loudly about me calling him an idiot again. I was talking calmly and he was screaming right in front of our daughter. I told him that he would be lucky if I didn't call the cops.
Hours have passed now, and he is tip-toeing around the house taking care of our daughter and leaving me alone. He knows he did bad but he is way too proud and insecure to admit his mistake.
My head still hurts a little bit. I know that I am the one who snapped first and I was nasty to him. But whatever I could have said, it would never justify the strike he made to my head! I cannot respect myself and let this go. But what should I do?
Should I report it to the police or go see a doctor, so that I have some sort of record? Should I see a lawyer or a marriage counselor? Should I insist that he see a counselor?
I have never dealt with anything like this before. Any advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:07am
i would def. see a doctor because the "littlest" injury can do serious damage..my mom fell and hit the base of her head on my bros elbow as he sat at the kitchen table and she ended up with a concussion and headaches for months before they got better..tho she still gets headaches now and then which she NEVER did before...plus you have to think of yourself and your DD first and foremost...while it may be the first and perhaps only time, and yeh u may have been being a b**** but that doesnt excuse hitting you, especially on the head....as to the police, if they believe you are in danger and depending on the situation they could choose to charge him with assault and you may not even be able to have a say..i know that i had no idea my DH woul dbe charged with B and E with intent to assault until we got to court...i knew of the B & E but the police charged him with the assault as well, tho not sure if this is the law everywhere..but just remember you dont deserve to have him hit you no matter the circumstances and especially not near or in front of your daughter! i would suggest the doctor, not just for ur health but also to have some documentation that it happened if u have more incidences or if u decide to go through with charges...and no matter if he admits his mistake or denies it forever, it was a BIG "mistake" and he needs to deal with it....sounds like he may need counselling if he cant control his anger physically...there are alot of women here who im sure will tell you it always starts with one hit here, one name there...not saying he will progress but u need to be safe
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:51am
Thanks for the advice. I made an appointment to see the doctor today. I have also been researching marital and anger management counseling. I told my husband that I intend to make a counseling appointment and he said that he won't go. If he won't go, then I will go without him. We have hardly spoken to one another since the incident (two days ago).
I told him this morning that I need to know that he is sorry and that he realizes the seriousness of what he did. He got loud and defensive and said that I have treating him badly for a month (since he got back from a long business trip), and that HE can't live with ME since I treated him so badly. Let me tell you that I have not been treating him badly, except that we are taking care of a toddler, both of us working, and dealing with other significant stresses right now, and maybe sometimes I snap at him, but he snaps at me just as often. He especially snaps at me when I ask him to do something or tell him how to do something (like giving directions in the car), which I guess is pretty typical for a guy. I snap at him when he doesn't listen, or when he disregards what I say. Anyway, if he felt that I was doing something wrong, he should have tried to talk to me about it, which he did not.
He is leaving today for a relatively short business trip and he gets back on Friday. By then, I hope to have selected a counselor and made an appointment, if not already getting to see him/her.
I am worried about doing anything to escalate the situation. I would not characterize our relationship as abusive, although we have had our rough patches. I am not about to throw away our relationship and break up our family.
But he definitely needs to realize the seriousness of what he did! So far, I do not think that he has.
Thanks for listening. This is hard because I have few people that I can trust to talk about this with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 3:52pm

My abusive ex never apologized for anything either. Every time he did something blatantly awful, he'd just say it was my fault and I'd somehow "made" him do it. I think that's fairly typical abuser behavior, to try to blame the person he's abusing. Remember, no matter how much you might be nagging him or whatever, you don't control his actions or choices--he's the one who chose to hit you, and he's entirely at fault and he has to accept responsibility for his behavior and choices or things will not get better.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 11:34pm
Thanks for the advice and support. I saw a doctor and she said that I have swelling but no concussion--TG. I've made appointments with a marriage counselor and with a lawyer (I told hubby about the counselor but not about the lawyer!). So far, he says he won't go to a counselor, but I will keep working on it.
I told him that there was nothing I could have said or done that would warrant him hitting me. Of course, he doesn't want to take responsibility.