My Intro...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
My Intro...
11
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:11pm

My husband has been very nasty and yells at me. He tells me to "shut up" (and sometimes our 5 yr old daughter too!). He tells me that I "need to learn the meaning of marriage". That one told to me after yelling at me and I was crying outside in front of the house. That was a couple of weekends ago. I told him at that time that I was "going to leave you" and he said "go ahead...run away that is what you do, what you are good at"...I couldn't believe it!!! I try to do everything correct and keep our daughter out of his way. It is getting difficult and financially things aren't great either. I am scared.

I met with a divorce attorney last Friday (the 20th). His advice was that I should seek shelter either with my parents (who offered to take me and my daughter in) or with the Prudence Crandall Center for abused women! I was taken aback as I did not "think" or "feel" I was abused. He said that this happens over time. The attorney told me that I should leave that friday (with my daughter of course) and leave him a note telling him that he is abusive and I will not take it anymore. The attorney is the best in the area and even offered at the free consultation that if I had any additional questions, to call at no charge and he would speak to me. Well, it was Friday and my daughter's birthday party was on Saturday with everyone coming to the house!!! I could not leave him then!!!!!

My husband does not want me to work. I work full-time and he thinks it is only part-time. I have no friends left and we live in a house he chose before we were married.

Things are going pretty good right now. I told my father this afternoon that I am trying to decide what to do and he told me that I could wait for the answer the next time he decides to be angry!

I am CONFUSED!!! I know in my head that this is probably classic abuse reactions...but I can't seem to find the inner strength to stand up to him. The attorney did also recommend that I see a counselor for dealing with abuse!

AM I REALLY ABUSED?!?!?!?!? Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
In reply to: nini505
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:26pm

Yes!

Do your self a favor. Go to the book store and get your hands on a copy of Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Many people here will recomend this book. You will read your story in the pages and know that you are not crazy, it is not your falt, and you are not alone. Please do this as soon as possible. If not for yourself, do it for your daughter.

Good Luck

Let us know how you are doing. Many of us have stories similar to yours we will always be here to listen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: nini505
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:34pm

Hi nini :o)

I do see some red flags in your post.

The statement you made really struck home for me. You said that he says that you run away and to go ahead that is what you do. My abuser said the EXACT same thing to me. Go run away from your problems, that's what you do then go ahead... you'll be running from your problems all your life. The thing is, he was the problem, but he didn't know it.. I did. It is very wrong for him to yell and you and your daughter!!

I am proud of you for meeting with your divorce attorney last week. Have you told your H about this yet? Well about you thinking about getting a divorce?

The thing about abuse - it really does just sneak up on us so quickly. Deep down I knew that my abuser yelling at me was wrong.. but it didn't quite click right away. I agree that it would be a great idea for you to go stay with your parents or go to a shelter. It is very unhealthy for your daughter to be caught in the middle of abuse. You need to think about yourself and about your daughters well being.

Why doesn't your H want you to work? becuase he wants to control you. Is there men at your job and he doesnt want you around other men. Is your H very jealous at times? Gets mad if you talk to other men. Oh and a warning sign is that you have no friends anymore. This happens a lot in abusive realtionships. The abuser wants to cut off all contact with your friends and families. They make us feel guilty and they switch the stories around to be all about them.

There is the abuse cycle. It goes from the hearts and flowes stage (seems your in the stage now).. it will then go to the build-up and onto the explosion. Then back to the hearts and flowers stage with apologies, gifts and promises to change. It is a very repetitive cycle and the only way that it will be broken is if the victim of abuse (you) break it and break free and leave.

I couldn't stand up to my abuser either. I was terrified of him when he got angry. He would get this look in his eyes and i swear he was a total different person. I would cry and cry when he yelled at me, then he would yell at me more and call me a baby and tell me to grow up.

You aren't alone out there.. and we are all here for you. Post as much as you like.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: nini505
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:39pm

Our situations are a bit similar... I've also been seeking the advice of a divorce attorney, actually retained him in Jan. His advice to me was different, he told me to stay in the house, call if my husband got abusive and have him removed. My husband also bought our home before we were married. I'm also questioning whether my situation is abuse.

I only know through a domestic abuse support group, that if it is domestic violence it will escalate gradually. Can you contact the one the lawyer mentioned, for counseling? You said you don't feel the inner strength, counseling might help with that too. I'm finding out a lot about myself, that I'm stonger than I felt before. Finanicially, what is wrong?

You're here, and that's a start, not to mention some support for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: nini505
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:52pm

yes it is abuse. Your husband talks to you in demeaning and degrading ways. When your husband constantly tells you to shut up and that you don't know the meaning of marriage, that is abuse. That is disrespectful and innaceptable.

You deserve so much better. i remeber for so long I ddin't have the strenghth to stand up to my ex when he was in one of his rages. You will find the strength to leave this man. I promise you, that you will. The day will come when you have had enough and you will pack up your bags and leave this guy.

Just remember that abuse gets worse over time, this relationship will not get better.
Move in with your parents, take your daughter and never go back to this man.

Right now the best thing is to speak to an abuse counselor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
In reply to: nini505
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 3:07pm

Financially we are in debt. It is difficult and my husband does not make it easy to talk to him...he does not talk...he yells at me. I don't really care about anything but my daughter anymore.

The attorney said that he could get a judge to throw my husband out of the house in a matter of days. I DON'T WANT THE HOUSE!!!! I just want my daughter. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ELSE!!!!! My husband grabs our daughter by the arm and gets in her face to get her to behave. She is really sensitive and usually calls for me!!!! I told the attorney that I feel powerless when he does this to her and I don't know what to do anymore.

He tells me to "Stop Blubbering" when I cry. I hate being at home because I feel like I am just waiting for the shoe to fall.

I know when he gets in one of his "moods" because he starts to walk through the house looking at the breakfast bar (I TRY to keep the clutter down to a minimum because of this!) and tells me that the "house is dirty" "what are you doing all day" and sometimes " you need to do some laundry". I just know when it is going to start.

I try to keep up I REALLY TRY!!!!! In my heart, I love my husband and would never want to hurt him. I just am NOT IN LOVE ANYMORE!!!

The attorney said that the retainer is $3,900.00 and that I would most likely get some of it back. He said that abuse happens over a period of time slowly. Like my husband moved us out here 45 min from any family, I have no friends, he doesn't want me to work, tells me I don't "talk to him".

It is really DIFFICULT to think of leaving because things are good right now. I did see a flicker in his eyes on Saturday during my daughters birthday party. The attorney seems to think it will only be a matter of time before he begins to physically abuse me.

I am really confused and don't know how to leave my husband!!! If he found a book in our house like the one recommended, he would loose it!!!! WHAT DO I DO!?!?! What will happen when I leave???? I feel like if I leave and have no attorney what will happen???? My parents suggested finding out if I can make payments to the attorney.

I NEED SERIOUS HELP!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: nini505
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 3:45pm

Another similarity, I moved away from my only family when I met my husband. If you're happy leaving to go with family, instead of staying in the house through the process, do it! I have 6 kids, would be difficult for me to find other living arrangements so easily. You're daughter is more important anyway.

I know what you're talking about, trying to keep the house up, do whatever you can do avoid conflict. It's not you, or your housekeeping. Here it's "Dinner of champions", he doesn't like short hair, house is messy (I take care of 8-9 kids a day), I don't plan dinners well enough. I don't know how long you've been in this situation, but I eventually started having panic/anxiety attacks which my counselor believes are related to our relationship. I really urge you to seek some counseling, for your daughter too if you're concerned about her. I believe you really try, but ask yourself, would you want to make anyone feel the way you do?

I'm going to do a search through my local library for the book recommended for you, for myself. Can you take your daughter to the library and read while she does puzzles and picks out some books of her own?

I'm with you, you and your daughter are more important than anything in your home, or the home! You are strong enough, you'll find that soon, you reached out and you're here. Admitting it is hard, I'm still doing that, again. Your attorney sounds a lot like mine, willing to help, he offered as mine did, to free phone consults. I'm sure you'd find him willing to help you out and accept payments.

You shouldn't have to be on edge while he's around, you should feel loved and secure. Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: nini505
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:44pm

Hugs to you!! :o)

Have you documented everything that your husband has done to you and your daughter? Even just grabbing her arm.

You know what.. that is what you are doing... Abusers are like ticking time bombs. you really never know when they will go off. It also can be over the supidist things too!!

He is making you feel like a maid and his slave. That is not what you are! You are his wife, and he is not treating you like you should be treated! I believe you that you try and try to keep up but nothing is EVER good enough for abusers. EVER. There is always a need for improvement... always.. nothing is ever good enough.

Your husband moved you away from family and friends on purpose. He wants to control you and control who you see and talk to. He wants you all to himself all the time. This is common also

It might be good with your husband right now but that is because it is the hearts and flowers stage at the moment. Soon enough there will be the build-up then the explosion. Then he will say his sorrys, and say he will change and never talk to you like that again. BUT HE IS LYING!!! It sill happen again. I also agree with your attorney. It is a matter of time before he will hit you or slap you or whatever... it's just a matter of time.

Have you called the Domestic Abuse hotline yet... I really suggest you do that now.
1.800.799.SAFE - I don't know very much about children in abusive relationships as I never did have kids with him... but call this number and they will help you out.

Good Luck. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
In reply to: nini505
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 8:05am

He called me into the office last night..."Get over here" is basically what he said. I have NEVER spoken to another person like that...not even in anger! He had stuffed some bill/mail in his desk drawer before my daugher's birthday party and just remembered. He wanted me to drop everything at the moment and come take care of it.

He never apologized for yelling at me (the incident a couple of weeks ago). He just began acting like nothing ever happened!!!! He has said to me in the past "just because we're acting normal doesn't mean nothing ever happened", so I am confused and wondering what is GOING to happen.

I am scared. What happens after I leave him? What do I do? I have a job that pays only $200 per week!!! I feel so very alone and scared. I have been crying more than I would like lately and don't know what to do.

I am going to pack things up this week (that he wouldn't notice like clothing) and leave a note on Friday like the attorney said. I'm really really scared.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
In reply to: nini505
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 10:56am

Hello, Nini505!

I'm sorry that you're going through this! We're here to help. I left an abusive husband, when I made $40.00/week, I know how scary it can be when you don't make alot of money. I used to worry that I would starve to death, or end up on the street. I left him 10 years ago, neither of those things happened! As far as my experience, I can say that I've never regretted leaving him. My own dignity and health is far more important than financial concerns. I have two questions for you, if you feel like answering them...

1) Are you afraid of him?

2) What would you tell someone else in your situation?

Take one day at a time, that really helped me. I'd like to know how you're doing with things.

Best Regards,

Blessgirl

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: nini505
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 11:58am

Big Hugs coming your way!! I am so sorry for what you are going thru, but you will get thru this. You are a strong woman and you will get thru this.

The reason he never apologized is because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. Abusers rarely ever apologize!! I used to apologize the most with my abuser and it was never anything that I did. He switched all the stories around to put the blame on me. Once he threw a flicker across the room because I did something to set him off. He is the one that threw the flicker and broke it!! Why am I at fault here? I'm not... he just never took any responsibility for his actions.

About the bill think in the drawer. He wants to do it now, so that is when it has to be done. Anything with abusers is always on their clock.. doesn't matter about anyone else but themselves. Same goes with arguments. If he is over the argument, then everyone else should be too. But it doesn't work like that. You are still hurting inside, but he is only thinking about his feelings and nobody elses. Abusers are very selfish men.

Now, I understand that $200 isn't much for a week, but at least you have a job. Save up as much money as you can. You can go and stay at a womens shelter. You will be safe there. I really suggest that too you if you can't go stay with any family or friends.

((((Hugs))))
Lauren

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