My mother is in an abusive relationship
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| Mon, 05-24-2004 - 4:33am |
This is my first visit to this group, and I am so thankful to have found it tonight. This post will probably be a little long; I thank in advance anyone who has the time or inclination to read through it.
My name is Michele and I am 24 years old. To make a long story short, my mother has been in an abusive relationship (with my father) for the last 30 years. As children my father physically abused my brother and I, and as we grew older it became emotional/psychological abuse. Since I moved out of the house 6 years ago, my father has "calmed down" and changed in some very positive ways; in fact, it fooled me into thinking that he had changed completely.
Well, this past week I was on a vacation with my parents and realized that no, he hasn't changed at all. He does not physically abuse my mother, but he does bombard her with verbal abuse and criticism. He is wildly possessive, to the point that she is not "allowed" to do anything without him. She has no friends. It has been this way for years, but as a child and teenager I knew nothing else. I felt it wasn't normal but I had nothing to compare it to. Now as an adult I have some perspective and realize this is COMPLETELY abusive behavior, and realize just how unhappy my mother seems.
I am very close with my mother, but I am also all she has. She calls me several times a day, and it is becoming a real emotional burden for me. Yet at the same time, I don't want to abandon her, because I know that I'm the only person she really has to turn to.
The point is that my father needs to be stopped, but I have no idea how to accomplish this, especially because no one would EVER believe this about him. He's charismatic, funny, and is often extremely kind & generous. My mother clings to those qualities, as I have done for so long. However, there is a disgusting dark side which lurks beneath, and my mother does not deserve to be his victim any longer.
I brought this topic up to my mother briefly on the last night of our vacation, and she made excuses for him (blamed it on stress & his having had a couple of drinks). She seemed to know deep down that his behavior is unacceptable, but I got the impression that she either didn't want to do anything about it or felt she couldn't. I told her I was on her side if she decided she wanted to make a change. She didn't say anything.
So I am wondering if anyone has advice about what I could do to help her. I feel helpless, but I don't want to sit around and let this go on any longer. It is not fair. She deserves to have a happy life. It makes me so sad to see her so unhappy, as she's a wonderfully kind and genuinally sweet woman.
Any help, advice, or pointers in the right direction would be appreciated more than I could ever express. Thank you for reading this post.
Best wishes.
Michele

Welcome to the board, skiingontheroof.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you