My own private hell
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| Thu, 03-10-2005 - 7:04am |
Im sorry that this is so long:
My older sister was the first person to show me the meaning of abuse in my life...as she put it i arrived seven years after her and ruined everything for her by dethroning her....i spent all my childhood getting secretly beaten by her and always being called names all the time..she succeeded many times in getting me in trouble with our mother so that she will react by beating me too..but soon my mother realized that my sister would bait me in order to get beaten up and stopped beating me....when i was 8 years old my mother got diagnosed with cancer and kept it a secret....since i knew about it my mother became verbally abusive towards me...i tolerated it...and in my naivete thought that when she dies my life would be better....
My mother died when i was 12...my older sister was 19 and my younger sister was 7...i was soon forced to take charge of the house...cooking and managing things...while my sister and my mothers siblings did nothing other than torture me endlessly...i was called names,insulted,provoked and patronised daily...i eventually decided that i should come up with a plan to escape my existance...so i planned ot go to university in europe...that turned out ot be a disaster...as i had to stay with my mother's sister in law and her children....it was like living in hell....she did not treat me well and neither did her children and friends....i beared it for 3 and a half years and eventually graduated with two degrees with honors at 20...for the whole time i was at university...i would be in hell in europe and come back home and find my older sister is in the modd to go at me 24/7...
I decided that the next step after university would be grad school at an ivy league school...but my sister decided to stop me in my tracks since as she out it she does not want the responsibilty that she had run away from since our mother died...and that if our father gets sick she wants nothing to do with it...sure enough with her determination and tactics i got rejected and stayed at home...and everytime i would find a great job opportunity since university...be it modeling, singing a high paying job....they would stand in the way...then last year our father got cancer and i was left with over 80% of his care....it got to be soo much that i got sick myself since im the only one with the long medical history and fragile health...at 25 i have high blood pressure,anxiety and panic attacks and had removed two life threatening tumors by 22...i soon found out last year that there is a high possibility that i have an incurable disease that kills by 40....all this information did not matter to my family...the demands were endless on me...
After my father was in remission was came back home...and my younger sister was involved again with her abusive,controlling boyfriend...that i had to beg and cajole and take their permission to use the phone or even to get on the net to chat with friends....things esclated soon...after i had enough and i confronted my sister many times over the relationship....we had a huge confrontation were my sister showed me how ungrateful and selfish she is....my father took her side and provoked me and soon after i defended myself...he hit me on the head which dazed me and then dragged me to the next room and slapped me 6 times....it wasonly when i screamed for help and my younger sister and housekeeper ran into the room that he stopped slapping me...i have over 30 bruises in my arms,sprained neck,loss of hearing in one ear, and a loose tooth...
At the end of the day it did nt matter what i did ...or how much i sacrificed for them....my sisters say that i deserve to be treated like this...and my father threatens to do it again....im beyond hurt...no amount of cryng or begging worked on getting those three and my mothers relativesot get off my back...i dont understand why i was treated like this....my friends are helping me to get out and ot never come back...they tell me that im not worth loving...im here to serve them...and that since they dont love me no one else will....not even my friends!!!!why??i keep on asking myself what havei dont to deserve this after all i have done for them...

What have you done to deserve this? ABSOLUTLY NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH, ZERO, NYET
Everyone has value and is worth loving. You are not what your family is trying to make you believe you are. You must be smart or a University in Europe would not have accepted you. You must be smart and determined and hardworking to get not one, but two degrees by 20 and then to even think about applying for college.
At 25 you don't have to deal with their jealousy and issues any longer. This is what people call a toxic relationship and in your case it's so toxic you are becoming sick because of it.
Your friends are correct in that you can leave and be all means should. If you are in immediate danger which you sound like you are, call your local domestic violence shelter and seek shelter and counseling. You don't have to be hit by your husband to go to one and there is nothing wrong or shameful about going there. Once there you will be safe from everyone. They go to great lengths to make sure safe houses are just that and no one can or will find you. I think if you could get there and get some rest and have time to heal you would feel better about things.
There is also nothing wrong with cutting all ties and leaving your family. Sometimes the best family you have isn't your blood family, but rather friends who are dear to you.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Sam,
You are not alone. I read your message this morning. You will find help here. This can be the beginning of a new life for you. Today. You have no idea what you have accomplished at your age. You don't deserve to be treated the way you have by your family. You have friends that will help and new friends here. Be safe and take care of yourself.
Luv, Sherry
Welcome to the board Sam.
I took a look around this message board and looked at the list of abusive behavior and found that between the 9 family members and my parents there are 63 things out of that whole list that happened to me...for years....i was always told not to beleive a compliment no matter what especially if it is from a man....i was always told that im useless and would not amount to anything...to this day even though im the only one among my siblings and cousins to walk out of college with two degrees with honors...they remind me that i could have done better and that i should remember that i have 3 C+'s on my transcript....no one ever tells me that they are proud of me other than my friends....my family hates my friends since they encourage me and are supportive so they go out of their way to isolate me by putting a strict curfew on me until now and cause conflicts between us...
I have had more than enough of this behaviour...i dont deserve it...no one does and i want it to stop....my older sister always tells me that im weak and that im nothing but a financial drain and burden especially since i finished my degrees at 20....even though she sabotaged me she would rub it in my face that im a failure....and that she is making money and im not...that i have to beg for money from her and our father like a beggar....it did nt matter that i designed clothes (i dont have a fashion degree) for her and then went to the seamstresses and got them done...so that when someone compliments her and asks her about it she says that she did everything....i never got a thank you...she told me i dont deserve one...its my job to do things for her...but its not her job to do things for me!!!
I feel like an idiot that i gave up many opportunities to get scouted for modeling...or a record deal...or even a high paying job at an international company....people who graduated with me in 2000...are independent, in control and happy mostly... and essentially their families are supportive and dont stand in the way like mine....since i do so much its better to waste my life and not let me live it so that i can better serve them...i can never get the past 13 years of my life back...but i want one before whatever disease i have takes hold and its too late....
Don't ever feel like an idiot for passing up opportunities, because you're not an idiot.
Sam,
You have a new family HERE. Be safe and take care of yourself. We care,
Luv, Sherry
I agree.
I don't know your situation completely....my advise...you are over the age of 18...you have the capability of finding a very good job w/ excellent pay and benefits....I suggest you get out of dodge....cut your family off....start fresh and new. You are worth it! Don't let anything they say make you think any differently! You are talented...smart...strong (obviously to have made it this far in life)...don't let them take you for everything...you shouldn't have a problem finding a way to support yourself...cut off all contact w/ the people that are family only by blood and start new! You can do this!!!!
I agree with everyone and i have decided to cut all ties with my family...since it has become impossible to live with them under the same roof....but out of all this the betrayal of my younger sister is what hurts me the most...she was only 7 when our mother died and i was 12...i took care of her as if she is my own child...and i went above and beyond what a sister does for her sister...the list is really long but even my relatives have admitted that i was like a mother to her.....so even when i was beyond stressed out with me having most of the burden of taking care of our father when he was taking treatment for cancer i took care of her...i was tired 24/7 but i still made time to take her out and to give her a break from caring for our father since she didnt know her way around the city like me...plus we were staying with relatives who went out of their way to irritate and annoy us and to overburden me just for the hell of it...i was also always defending her when our rude relatives would criticize or insult her to me...i even had a huge fight with my two aunts for her which resulted in the three of us not talking for three weeks...
After we came back home...she again started her long phone calls with her on/off abusive boyfriend...the phone calls were on from 10p.m to 5a.m daily...my friends would call endlessely and were never able to get through and would wait for me on the net for a chat but i would never show up...so i open my inbox everyday with my friends worried and angry....i tried everything with her being nice and being understanding, but they would refuse to get off...i eventually had to bargain,negotiate and nearly beg for 15 minutes with him...so that i can talk to a friend or check my inbox...he is always in control for the nearly 2 years they have been involved...he decides when to call and for how long...he tells her call him to wake him in the morning...he is rude and abusive...calls hers names all the time then when she gets upset he tells her that he is only joking...he is manipulative so when he does something he knows how to handle her so that she can forgive him...he more than once insulted our family by saying that if his ultra-conservative parents find out about this relationshiop he would get in to a lot of trouble so it must be kept a secret...he even insulted my sister's bestfreind...she would get angry for a short while and go back to him...
She even managed to fail her classes at univeristy because of him...she is obssessed about when he would call or not and if he would behave himself and not be rude or not...she did nt have time to think of her classes so she landed probation and got suspended...i tried to help as much as i can but it did nt work.....all of her friends hate him and even other people who know him and about the realtionship dont like him and dont like his treatment of her...so i eventually had a fight with her about 2 months ago...she tells me that because i was nt nice to her when our father was sick she decided to cut me off from my friends by talking to him for longer hours...she even would come up with weird decisions and when i pressure her to tell me where she came up with those ideas she would admit is was him...after that fight my father installed a second line for her in our bedroom...but she became more secretive and distant and would want me out of the room as soon as i came in....she would even try to rush me out...she even waits for him by the phone while he does things around the house and the line is open the whole time...it is just soo weird...
Then 2 weeks ago we have another fight and she tells me that i never did anything for her...that i made her life a living hell...and that i was a bigger bully than our older sister and relatives....that she hated me and never liked me so she decided to use my affection for her for her own use....i start to cry and ask her how she could say that after what we have been through...she just looked at me with disgust, rolled her eyes....she told me that she can do what she wants with her boyfriend....i was so hurt...that i wanted to slap her...but my father intervened and a few hours later while i was defending myself beat me and slapped me 6 times for her....my father who started the beating and the provoking with me.... blames me and doesnt want to blame himself for anything....my older sister since she knows we dont like her took my younger sisters side and otld me to apologise to my younder sister...her boyfriend tells her how to act and what to say in order to have people take her side and not mine...even though it is obvious that she is wrong...
R~