My Sister's Angry Husband
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| Tue, 06-15-2004 - 10:08pm |
So a couple of years after they got married, my brother and I were helping them move out of their apartment. I spotted a fist-hole in the wall. When I asked her about it, she said that her husband punched the wall when he was angry about a bill he got in the mail. It stuck in my mind, but I mostly shrugged it off. From time to time he'd make rude comments and kind of snap at people, like the time I was taking a guess at how long it took to drive from one city to another and he snapped "Oh, it would NOT take five hours." Just really rude, and in a condescending tone.
Years go by and they now have three children. My brothers and I don't get to see their family often, but we have seen him yelling at the kids worse than I've ever seen someone yell. One of my brothers stayed with them for a summer and he said that her husband came home from work yelling every night. My brother would stand at the bottom of the stairs ready to charge up there and put him through the wall if he had to.
We have seen him yell at the kids and slam his fist down on the table, once referring to one of the kids as "your asinine sister." My brother and I are the only ones who are willing to call this behavior abusive. The rest of my family agrees that his temper is excessive, but they think I am exaggerating because "abuse" in their definition usually means something physical. At best, I could only describe her husband as unstable. And he's a pretentious little turd, too, but that's another issue.
My brother and I have emailed my sister about this and it only made her angry. She accused us of being abusive by saying such "horrible things about her family." My brother has children of his own and he doesn't want them growing up in a world where that behavior is deemed acceptible. His worst nightmare is that one of his daughters marries a man like that. I have personally felt the sting of this man's rudeness and cruelty. But my question to all of you is this: What can I do for my sister, and especially those kids who are growing up with such an example for a father? I feel guilty about having not done something sooner (my sister once left the kids at the in-laws place because "it's just crasiness over there" from all the arguing). But I also feel like my offer of a helping hand has only triggered further separation. Bottom line, it makes my stomach turn that those children are living every day with angry daddy.
On another note, what can be done as a concerned citizen about this problem in general? I believe my sister is so stubborn because no one came to her sooner, so she decided to accept her situation. Are there organizations that I can help promote or contribute to, or any ways to help get the message out that behavior like that is not acceptible? I know what it's like to be treated badly, and that's just when I go home on the holidays, so I want to do what I can to help anyone who has to live with that on a daily basis.

Welcome to the board lucas_the_angel.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
There's a good book on this subject, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. The book is outstanding. There is a chapter in there on how to help a loved one who is being abused. It's the best thing I've ever seen on the subject. I highly recommend it.
I would think that if I was mistaken, she'd have simply said "Thanks for the concern, but everything is okay." I keep asking myself, "Could I be mistaken?" But the bottom line is, I feel really awkward when he goes into fits like he does. On my planet, that's abusive.
My family seems to agree that he is an example of your basic ass, but they seem to drop their jaws at the word "abuse," probably because it conjures images of sweaty rednecks with dirty shirts wielding "dem whippin' sticks." He's too much of a pretentious yuppie to fit that image.
Unfortunately, lucas, he is abusive.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
I have to agree with Bama in that it does not matter what social status someone is in, abuse is abuse is abuse.
CL-Blueliner4