My story

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
My story
4
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 11:01am
Here is my story: I'm about to turn 36 soon and been married, almost 11 years this month. My H and I have 2 children, ages 5 and 3. I've bascially been in an abusive marriage for most of our marriage, even though H doesn't seem to think so. All of this really started in 95, and has been going on and off since then. My self esteem has suffered so much that I'm at the point that I feel like I'm going to go insane. I've told H how I feel and he's thinking that I'm making a big deal. I've told him how I felt but I just don't see anything changing anytime soon. Last weekend, after an incident, (he slapped my arm hard in front of the girls) I said then that I've had enough. I had the courage to get up the next morning, quietly packed mine and the girls clothes, and left and went to my homestate, which is 13 hours away. When he realized what happened, he was royally pissed at me. To make a long story short, I ended up coming back mainly because my oldest had already missed 2 days of school and because we're not from around here originally, I didn't know just how strict they are on absences, probably strict. I've been emotionally torn as to whether I want to remain miserable, which I don't. I've read articles on this kind of situation, listened to family, friends and I know that I don't have to live like this anymore. My problem is why do I feel guilty that I want to end this relationship? Is it because of the kids? They are probably the main reason why I'm staying, which I know it's not healthy. I wasn't raised around violence and don't want my children raised in that type of environment. Both H and I have told each other we're both just flat out miserable, then why can't we both just cut the tie? I guess because I've never really made a rational choice or decision on my own, I always tend to want others to make it for me, I guess it make it easier. But I know no one can do it but me. How can I get the courage to swallow this guilt, and get out? Is it because he's shot my confidence down so bad, that I just don't see that there is a better way of living out there for me? I've been in therapy but that was just to talk about the abuse and not really doing anything about it. Maybe I chose the wrong therapist but can anyone see where I'm coming from? Why do I let my H do this to me? I know I need and want to get out, I just feel like I've lost 11 years of my life and realize that I can't get it all back. I wish I had seen the signs, they were there, I had just thought he loved me. I told H the other night that he treated our girls like gold and better than me...and his response was "thats because you don't have respect for yourself"....how can I when he's always dragging me down, putting me down, no wonder I have no self esteem or confidence. It's a wonder I've not end up in a mental hospital. I was told recently by someone that was a part of my life before I met my H that the H has really f***** me up, mentally. I guess I'm scared of starting all over again and feel guilty because I want to end it but he obviously doesn't. If he was to tell me he wanted a divorce, I'd give it to him. I guess I just don't want the one to 'break his heart' but he's broken mine so much. There is my story.....pathetic, isn't it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
In reply to: msmom87
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 11:23am

You need to get away from him. How good is it for your kids to see what he does to you? Staying for the kids is not the answer...you should stay because YOU want to. Kids will survive separation/divorce.....it takes courage to leave and I know your self esteem is at it's lowest but you need to be selfish and do what you know in your heart is best.

I'm going through alot right now too. My husband has been abusive towards my kids and last week filed a protective order and got him out of the house. I now have to go to court and face him on Wed and I'm scared to death, but I know that I have to do this for myself and my children. I need them to know that they are protected and safe.

Dig deep down and find the strength you need to get out of this situation. Big hugs go out to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
In reply to: msmom87
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 12:56pm

Hi Pass,
Appreciate you replying, I know I'm not the only woman in the world that goes through this. I know the kids don't deserve to watch that happen to me. I am just trying to get up enough strength to say "no more" and move on. I want to have the freedom. It just makes it hard to walk out of someone's life that you've had for so long. I guess I don't know what it's like to be selfish, I'm always taking care of everyones's selfishness. I know in my heart that I don't want to live another 20 years like this.

Sorry you're going through a rough time too. How old are your kids? You got alot of courage doing what you did, that's my biggest fear. I always try to remember that saying "God grant me the serenity........... etc. I'm sure you know which one I'm talking about. I try to remember that phrase everyday. When did you finally decide when you had enough? I'm at that point but like I said, H keeps giving me reasons why we need to work things out....in fact he's trying to buy my love I guess by taking me out to a nice dinner for my bday Wed. I told him the other day that I know this will keep going on and he just acts like it's not a big deal...that "money" is our biggest problem. Money is a problem to everyone's marriage, I don't care if you're rich, know what I mean? Anyway, glad to know there's other ppl out there that can understand what we women go through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
In reply to: msmom87
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 1:14pm

My kids are 12, 7 & 5. I guess what clicked this time is the abuse was taken to another level. Before it was just a smack in the mouth or on the arm. This time him banging my sons head into a kitchen table and breaking a spatula over his head causing a cut and bumps was the last straw. I will not have anyone harm them ever again.

Our fight was about money as well. No matter how angry he was at me, it shouldn't have come to this. You need to reach down and find the strength. I'm scared to death to think about raising 3 kids alone (one a special needs kid at that) but you know what, what happens next time. How far will he go the next time he's pissed. I'm not willing to take that chance that he could kill one of my kids. Luckily my son didn't suffer a concussion but the emotional scars will be there for some time to come.

My birthday is tomorrow. I plan on having a nice dinner with my kids. I hope that you don't let your husband buy your forgiveness and do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. Feel free to email me if you want to chat at any time. I know it isn't easy, but I'm no longer willing to put up with the crap.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
In reply to: msmom87
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 2:15pm
Wow, these are tough ages for the kids to be going through that. Oh my goodness, he banged your son's head into the table?? I can say for sure that my H hasn't hit or done anything like that to mine. I'm at home with my 3 year old all the time, like I said earlier, he treats them like gold. You're right, it shouldn't have come to that, when it comes to fighting about money. After all money is the number one reason we couples fight. I'm scared to, as to raising the children alone, but as my mom did it, I can do it. I just have to find that strength. My mom's remarried now and been for 18 years but she was a single mom for years. I know it was tough on her but she got through it. I suggested counseling back in May when I left the first time (I left for other reasons besides the abuse) then and he was all for it...well here it is January and well we haven't gone yet. I'm in therapy now for myself (I got some childhood issues to deal with as well) but he's not gone into individual therapy. I guess he feels that's a sign of weakness for a man to go seek help. It's just not worth spending another 20 years miserable. I just wish he would let me go. I feel trapped, suffacated, and feel like I'm stuck, no matter what I do. If you like to email, that'll be cool. BTW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Cool another Capricorn...mine's on Wed and I'll be 36....wish I was 21 again!! ....