My story (happy ending)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2006
My story (happy ending)
2
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 4:24pm

Hello. I haven’t been on a board like this for quite a long time. I wanted to post my story here in the hopes that it gives someone some encouragement.

Several years ago, I left an abuser for good. I had been married to him for four years. Against my better judgment, I let him talk me into marrying him sooner than we had planned, which ended up being just six months after we met. He had been raised attending church, had a great-paying job, didn’t smoke or drink, and showered me with gifts. I thought I knew what I was doing.

The difference in him after the honeymoon was like night and day. He called me names, belittled my achievements, humiliated me in front of my family, and threatened to force me to stay married to him and, eventually, to kill me as well. Pastors and marriage counselors were no help to me. He lied to them. They believed him, not me.

I did the back-and-forth thing a few times, moving out and then back in. He would cry and apologize so profusely. He would get real help, he would stop belittling me, he wouldn’t threaten me anymore…promises that ended up being empty lies, and then he’d get the pastor and counselor to gang up on me for not being “committed” to him.

I did have a few things going for me that I think helped me get away faster. Number one, I was enrolled in a vocational school for a fabulous career, so I knew I wouldn’t be dependent on him forever. (Oh, how he hated that. He tried so hard to discourage me in my schooling.) Number two, I absolutely refused to have children with him. Number three, I had family members who knew exactly what was going on and gave me unconditional love and support. They didn’t like the fact that I stayed and tried to make it work for four years, but their support didn’t waver, and it helped me escape from the marriage sooner than I might have otherwise. When I finally was ready, I had a safe, loving place to go.

It got physical. He left a huge bruise on my arm. If you asked him about it today, he would still say it was an accident. That was the last straw.

By the time I crawled away for good, I really did believe I was a complete freak and that no man would ever want me again. I got away by first going to a shelter, then moving in with my wonderful family. Thank God he didn’t make good on his threats to stalk me. I was almost finished with school and had a great career ahead of me, and I threw myself into preparing for that.

I have to say that counselors were not a great deal of help to me. There really aren’t very many who understand the dynamics of abuse. What I did was talk to my family, read a ton of books, post on a zillion message boards, and I did attend a group for abuse victims for a while at a women’s center, and that helped a lot.

When I was in the marriage and looking for help, I heard it all. Pastors and so-called marriage counselors told me that I was too sensitive and that the only problem in the marriage was a lack of communication. I got a lot of support on message boards, but people also posted telling me that I looked for abusive men because my father abused my mother, that I would never know how to be in a normal relationship, and that I was a coward and didn’t have what it took to take control of my life. I was told I had a victim mentality and was only posting on those boards to get sympathy from others who were just like me.

You know what? It was all a crock. Two years ago, I met the most wonderful man in the world. We have been married now for six months. He had a lovely house and two great kids, and I very happily slipped right into the role of just being another normal wife and stepmom in the suburbs, going to PTA meetings, taking the kids to school, and attending their extracurricular activities. The worst thing my husband ever does is get irritable if he’s especially tired, but he always apologizes right away. Other than that, he is the sweetest thing in the world. It’s as if I died and went to heaven. This is the life I always dreamed of living, the life that ignorant people told me I’d never have.

I got away from the abuse, I don’t miss it a bit, and I hardly even think about it anymore. If anyone tells you that you’re asking for the abuse or that you’re sick enough to actually enjoy it, tell them to take a hike.

I check out my ex-husband’s blog every now and then when I want a good laugh. He blabbers pathetically about what a great Christian guy he is and how happy he is with his new wife in their new house with their dog and three cats. Guess what—he found her on a dating site and proposed after knowing her just two months. They set a wedding date, and then he talked her into moving it up. I think they’d known each other a total of three months by their wedding day. She couldn’t possibly have known what she was in for, and I’ll bet he counted on that by getting a commitment from her just as soon as possible, like he did with me. These guys don’t change. It’s the abusers who will always be sick, not us.

Don’t let anyone tell you you’ll never live a normal life. You can, but everyone has to leave her situation in her own time. The fact that a woman doesn’t immediately move out after the very first threat is uttered or the first blow is struck does not mean diddly-squat about whether she really wants to get out or not. You are all courageous women for posting here, and I hope those of you who are still in abusive relationships will find your way to a safe and happy life. Thank you for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:46am

Thank you for sharing.

It can be discouraging when we seek help from professionals(doctors,counselors,police,courts)and they don't seem to understand or worse don't care. It takes a lot of strength and courage to keeping trying to get help and get out. Even when you do become free of your abuser it takes time to free yourself from your own prison(doubts,low self-esteem,depression,etc).
Things can seem so hopeless. That's why it is so important to encourage each other, not tell someone what to do but listen and support them what ever they decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 6:15pm

I was in counsleing for eight months and she didn't help me one bit. Then I went to another cousnelor and she didn't help me, though that was only for three months. I think my biggest problem is that no matter what I told them about my relationship, I never said that there was violance, though they both picked up on the emotional abuse. I don't know if I'm a big fan of counseling anymore. You all have helped me more than those two counselors did.