My Story - Pease listen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
My Story - Pease listen
19
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 5:05pm

I posted part of this post on the suicide and "r..." board around a week ago. I can't even write the word down. I couldn't go on at the time. some days I still get the feeling. It;s the first time I posted anywhere. I was/am still overwhelmed and not quite sure how to handle everything. Somedays I want to hide my head in the sand, and others I'm realizing what's going on is not normal. Someone suggested this board for help and realizing I'm not alone. I can't help but think I'm the only one going threw this.

I feel like im in a downward spiral, I don't want to go on everything is so confusing, I hate myself, I feel like trash, how could I have let things happen all these years. I must have been stupid.

It all started subtly verbal, emotional abuse, than 2 years ago, the physical started at first it was grabbing, than physically restraining me leaving me bruises. hitting me, but where no one could see. I never knew if he was happy or mad, I never knew if what I said would make him explode or he would be happy.

Then about 6 months ago the episodes in the bedroom started. First he would say if you love me you will do this to please me all wives do. I do love you him!!! At first it was uncomortable but I would pretend it was okay. I had to to go on.

Then last week he left me with bruises yesterday, and I hurt physically, I think he went to far because I started bleeding for the first time, after having sex with him. He said all other wives know how to please their husband. But it felt so awful, all I could do was scream, he came to me from behind, I felt like I was being torn apart. He said I loved it and wanted more. He didn't stop there he took me by force again using objects in me. I felt the inside of me was going to explode from the pain. I just fell into a heap in the bathroom, I can't believe it's happening to me. Why would he hurt me?

I didn't go to the doctor for days and then it was just for my arm which has a hairline fracture. I was too embarrased to get a internal eam.

My emotions have gone from shock to it couldn't be happening to anger, to I''m feelihg worthless and most of all I don;t want people to see me. I feel like they can look right through me. The event just keeps playing out in my head it's doesn't stop....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 6:53pm
Hey sweetheart, I'm glad you found the board ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 8:49pm

Hi Armyleo :)

You really have came to the right place. We are always here and we are always listening and giving advice to you. Just come here and post and vent and lurk around and read other posts. It really was helpful for me to read other peoples stories of what they have been through. Made me realize I really am not the only person going thru this. 1 out of 4 women sometime in their life will be in some sort of abusive relationship.

"Somedays I want to hide my head in the sand, and others I'm realizing what's going on is not normal." Everyone goes thru bad days and good days. The key here is that you realize that what you are going thru is not normal. The other thing is that your relationship will not get better anytime soon. It is just get worse. You need to get out before it is too late.

You are not stupid either. You are in love with this man. I couldn't help falling in love with an abuser either. It happens to fast and they have great qualities.. before you know it some things just don't feel right. You are not alone okay. I have asked myself how I let things happen with my abuser too. Over and Over.. how could I not have seen what was happening. Well that would be the mind of the abuser - it really is screwed up and backwards.

Are you married to this man? Do you have any children? I am just concerend about you. You are not in a very healthy relationship and I believe that it won't get any better. Do you have any friends or family that you can go stay with? I am just concerend and want you to keep posting on the board as much as you need/want to. It really was helpful for me to come to the board and relize that I was not alone. Everyone gave me awesome advice on this board and I am so grateful! We are all here for you.

Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 9:51pm

I am married and have 2 girls 16 and 11. But he doesn't do anything to them.

No I don't have friends anymore, he never liked my friends from the begining, so little by little I began to loose touch with them. I could never let my mom & dad know, I would be too embarrassed to go home like this. I haven't talked about anything to anyone before, it's just that I couldn't take it anymore last week. I felt I reached the end of my rope. I wanted to end it all the pain, the shame of what's happening. I hate myself for the way things have turned out.

I often wonder if I had done things different, how we would be today? But he doesn't let me, work, where we live, etc. It's all up to him. It's like I don't have a choice, in the matter, he always ask my opinion and then puts me down, as being pathetic and stupid and never being able to contribute to the house.

Sometimes the pain hurts so much. The physical pain, bruises etc. always heal, it's the hurtful words he calls me that hit me like a knife. Im trailer trash and stupid, no one wants me etc. I know I'm not bright and smart, I try my best to do everything right.

I think sometimes, he just goes over board a little and doesn't realize, he's hurting me with his words and actions. Somedays he has alot of stress.

I'm not a good person either, because I end up yelling at my girls. I can't help it sometimes, the anger builds up after, he gets mad at me, and I try not to but, before I realize it I'm yelling and mad at the girls. I hate myself for it, and try not to let it happen.

I have to stop now, because I keep crying and the screen is blurry. I'm sorry if I contradict myself or I go on and on... I don't mean to...You can tell me to stop if you want...I don't want to make anyone upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 10:32pm

First of all... Don't apologize for saying what you are feeling. You need to get your feelings out and this is a great place to get those feelings out. Post as much as you like and type away. You need to get those feelings out instead of just bottling them up inside. Oh, and don't worry if your posts get really long either.

In most abusive relationships it seems like the men pull away the womans friends. They are probably very afraid that her friends will see him for what he really is and warn us victims to leave. They will say they don't like your friends.. that makes us feel guilty about seeing our friends. My abuser didn't really like my parents either. That made it very difficult. It is my family!! He made me feel guilty one time about travelling 4 hours to go see my family. I hadn't seen them in a couple months. He turned it all around on him and how he wanted to go this day and come back this day.. he did not think about what I wanted to do once. Abusers really need control. They always have to be in control whether it is who you hang out, where you go for dinner.. whatever. When my abuser was jealous I thought it was just because he loved me and didn't want me to see guy friends.. but really it was because he wanted to control me. I did not see that side of the coin until I was looking back at the relationship. I have read a few books and have heard a lot about women loosing friends when they are in abusive relationships. You are not alone on that one.

It is very difficult to admit that you are being abused. You have done the right thing by taking that one step and coming and posting on this board. You are getting your feelings out and hearing other stories and getting some advice. I understand how difficult it is to admit that you have been in an busive relationships to friends or family. I feel ashamed and I feel like I should have known better. But you know what.. abuse comes out of nowhere. Before you know it, it is already around you and you don't know how it happened so fast.

If you had done things differently it would still be the same. You are not the problem here. It is your husband that is the problem. I dont want to sound harsh or anything I just want to be honest. With abusres, it is really never gooe enough. That is what I dealt with all the time. I would do it this way, then I would do it the opposite way but it still wasn't good enough. It was sooo frustrating!!! He likes where he has you right now because he has totaly control over you. This is where he wanted you from the beginning. Just remember you are not alone.

I have read a few books and I have heard so many times how much more painful emotional abuse is. Yes, the bruises, scraps will heal, but the insides don't heal so fast. He is destroying your self esteem with those hurtful words. I have never been physically abused, but I have been verbally/emotioanlly abused. I do understnad how hurtful those few words he says are. Just the F-You or you're a Wh**e or whatever. He is the man we love and we should not be treated that way. For some reason all of us at one point feel that we deserve this. That is not that case at all. NO ONE deserves to be abused!! Whether it emotional/verbal/physical/sexual. It is wrong and it is called abuse.

You are a good person. Do not let him tell you any different okay. Who doesn't get stresed at one point or another. Everyone does and everyone yells. I do not have children, but I sometimes get mad and yell at my mom. That does not mean that we are bad people. We have emotions and we need to let them out. Whether is crying or laughing or yelling. Sometimes we just can't help it.

Cry all you want. Crying isn't bad. It really does help - well it sure helped me. I sure don't want to look at myself in the mirror after!! HA... but it makes you feel like your emotions were let out of your body. My grandma one time told me that crying is healthy. I try to remember that everytime I cry because then I just let it out.

You need to think about the situation you are in. I know that you already are and that you have came to the board. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Your daughters should not be in the middle of this. You daughters do not need to see their dad treating mom this way. It is not a safe environment for them or you.

Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 11:38pm

I always bottle everything up inside. It's like if I don't show how I feel then everything will be alright. People around me think life is great!!! I hide everything that is happening pretend it didn't happen and maybe it will go away.

In the evenings, if my husband is working a late shift, then I'll have a couple of drinks, relieves the stress of not knowing what's going to happen, and also it numbs the pain, the emotional pain I feel. You must think I'm an awful person, however it has helped me endure all that happens around here.

Please don't tell me I'm a good person because I'm not. He tells me all the time that I have people believing how great I am when in reality I'm the one who causes all the problems at home.

I'm sorry I have a hard time with the word "abuse". It sounds so bad, whenever I see the word it scares me. He scares me I'm always afraid. Afraid of what's going to happen next, afraid, of what to say or not to say. Whenever he grabs me and throws me against the wall or something I'm afraid, of what will happen next. Sometimes, I don't fight or scream or yell. I don't want the girls to know what is happening, so I try to keep from crying out when I can.

I'll probably regret telling everything but it's all coming out, and I need to keep writing or I'm going to go crazy here. The girls keep me going most days. I keep tellng myself things will change, I have to give it time. I must be doing something wrong or not doing something I should.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 12:56am

I do not think you are a horrible person at all!! I bottle my feelings up inside too. It is just so easy to pretend that everything is fine. I used to do that all the time with my abuser just pretend that everything was fine. Go out with friends or family and say we are great. People could tell that I had been crying, but I would say I was fine. I didn't want to tell them that we got into another fight. I dealt with it the same way as you. Just pretend that it is fine.. but eventually I knew I couldn't deal with it anymore. That is when I came and started posting on this board.

I don't want to sound harsh again... but I have learned a lot about abuse from when I left my abuser. I do know that you will not see it my way because you are in the relationship. I was in your spot to and I did not see it. He really is destorying your self esteem. You are not a bad person. I will tell you again and again. You are in a very unhealthy relationship and he is destroying you. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Everybody on this board will agree with me on that one. I know this is all going to sink in really fast and there is a lot to handle at once.

I had a very difficult time with abuse too. I still do at times. I never thought I would be the type of person to be in an abusive relationship. I nearly had a breakdown in the bookstore once. I was searching for a book and I thought it would be in self-help so I ended up asking someone to help me. She then directed me to the Abuse section. It never really hit me until that minute that I was a victim of abuse.

I will say one more thing and I really want you to think about this. Please let it soak in. Things will not change with your husband unless you leave him. The only thing that you can do to save yourself and your children is to leave as soon as possible. That is the something that you should be doing. Please believe me when I say he will not change.

Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 9:34am
I agree with everything Lauren has told you, and hope you will be posting here often. However, it is also important for you to understand that your husband has now crossed every line of decency, respect, and love by breaking your arm, forcing you into unpleasant and uncomfortable sex acts, and raping you with objects. He has completely objectified you, and you are in physical danger from him. What will happen to your daughters if he manages to kill you? I know the immediate situation is terrifying enough, but the prospects for the future look even grimmer. Please do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and get away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 11:30am

You all keep telling me to leave, I still love hime, I know when he is not mad he is great. I don't think he will ever get so violent as to do real damage.

I'm confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 12:45pm

Of course you still love him, he is your husband. There is something called the abusive mans cycle. It goes from "the tension-building phase" to the "eruption" then to "hearts and flowers stage". Can you think of situations where you recall this happening? My abuser would yell and yell at me and then a couple hours later he would be crying and crying saying he doesn't know what came over him and he is so sorry. For the next few days/weeks after that everything would be peachy! That is the abuse cylce.

Abusers are unpretictable period. I don't think you thought he would verbally abuse you.. and I don't think you thought he would break your arm. You have no idea what is going to come next. That is why he is dangerous and very unpretictable. Of course he is great when he is not mad, that is the abuse cycle. It is also called the rollercoaster!

Hugs.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 1:27pm

When my abuser wasn't being evil, he too was a great guy. Like you said about your husband, when he is not abusing you and being nice, he is great. This is all common for abusers. Like Lauren said, the abuse cycle is never ending. The abuse cycle is one continuous motion that never ceases. It goes from the honeymoon phase to the jeckyl & hyde phase to the walking on egg shells phase and it goes into one continuous loop that never ends. In the mind of an abuser, they can be all nicey nice one minute and then the next they are exploding, which is why this behavior makes us second guess ourselves and our motives/actions. In the mind of an abuser, it's all about control, and as long as they have that "power over" on their victim, it will never cease. Once they realize that they are beginning to loose control over their victim, here comes the honeymoon phase where they are all nicey nice to us. They may all of a sudden start fixing things around the house that they were supposed to have done a looooooong time ago, they may start helping out w/the children when they once never did. Once we fall victim to that, they once again have regained their control or "power over" and it's back to Jeckyl and Hyde and then here comes the walking on egg shells phase. You see, the abuse cycle never ceases, unless the victim puts an end to it. Abusers love having control and power because that is what they feed off of.

I've done some digging in the archives that I encourage you to read that I think will help you:

Traits of an Abusive Personality: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25521.1&x=y

Healthy vs Abusive: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25522.1&x=y

How to tell if he's changing: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25539.1&ctx=512

Extensive Abuse Checklist: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=24525.1&x=y

Power & Control Wheel: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25447.1&ctx=512

Signs of a Battering Personality: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=24716.1&x=y

Is your abuser lethal: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=24526.1&x=y

When love turns deadly: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25131.1&ctx=512

Those are just a few that will give you more additional information as well and I encourage you to read thru those links I've given you.

Also if you can, I'd read the book, "Why does he do that? Inside the mind of the angry and controlling man" by Lundy Bancroft. Check and see if your local library has it. But please do continue to post anytime hun. Like I said, this is a safe haven and you are safe here. Post a million times if you want too, we are here and we care and we will help you get thru this. ((((HUGS))))

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