My Story - Pease listen
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| Sat, 09-23-2006 - 5:05pm |
I posted part of this post on the suicide and "r..." board around a week ago. I can't even write the word down. I couldn't go on at the time. some days I still get the feeling. It;s the first time I posted anywhere. I was/am still overwhelmed and not quite sure how to handle everything. Somedays I want to hide my head in the sand, and others I'm realizing what's going on is not normal. Someone suggested this board for help and realizing I'm not alone. I can't help but think I'm the only one going threw this.
I feel like im in a downward spiral, I don't want to go on everything is so confusing, I hate myself, I feel like trash, how could I have let things happen all these years. I must have been stupid.
It all started subtly verbal, emotional abuse, than 2 years ago, the physical started at first it was grabbing, than physically restraining me leaving me bruises. hitting me, but where no one could see. I never knew if he was happy or mad, I never knew if what I said would make him explode or he would be happy.
Then about 6 months ago the episodes in the bedroom started. First he would say if you love me you will do this to please me all wives do. I do love you him!!! At first it was uncomortable but I would pretend it was okay. I had to to go on.
Then last week he left me with bruises yesterday, and I hurt physically, I think he went to far because I started bleeding for the first time, after having sex with him. He said all other wives know how to please their husband. But it felt so awful, all I could do was scream, he came to me from behind, I felt like I was being torn apart. He said I loved it and wanted more. He didn't stop there he took me by force again using objects in me. I felt the inside of me was going to explode from the pain. I just fell into a heap in the bathroom, I can't believe it's happening to me. Why would he hurt me?
I didn't go to the doctor for days and then it was just for my arm which has a hairline fracture. I was too embarrased to get a internal eam.
My emotions have gone from shock to it couldn't be happening to anger, to I''m feelihg worthless and most of all I don;t want people to see me. I feel like they can look right through me. The event just keeps playing out in my head it's doesn't stop....

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First of all, welcome to the board, hon.
You are right. You have described what has gone on for years. I always thought when were happy that he is changing or was going to change. That what happened shouldn' have happened. That he cares, and had decided to change.
Thanks for all the website reading. I haven't had a chance to read today, because I haven't had time to myself. I just came on board real quick because I needed to know that I wasn't alone.
Yes, it's a roller coaster. Somedays I just want off!!!
Now come to think of it, you described what goes on sometimes. I guess I never realized there was a pattern. I don't know if it's quite a pattern though. Because somedays I get in trouble for saying something I shouldn't like, it could be anything as simple as why didn't you do this? I could say I'm sorry I didn't have time and he would explode. So next he asks I know not to answer that way so I say I'm sorry I was doing this other thing you asked me to do and he will explode again. So it's like no matter which way I answer it's still wrong.
I have to go now, he will be coming home soon.
Good Morning Armyleo,
One thing that I am not sure was mentioned is that when abusers say they have changed or will change it is false. They cannot change that fast - it really is impossible. Only 1% of abusers change. They change with dedication, counselling, willingness to change. And you know what... that is only 1% that change!! I was reading last night and it said that most abusers would rather just stay the same then put in all that extra work to change. So please believe me when I say that he has not changed or will not change anytime soon.
You are not alone. Did you know that 1 of 3 women sometime in their life will be in some sort of abusive relationship? You are not alone. This is a horrible number, but it does make us feel better to know that we really aren't alone.
"I guess I never realized there was a pattern. I don't know if it's quite a pattern though. Because somedays I get in trouble for saying something I shouldn't like, it could be anything as simple as why didn't you do this? I could say I'm sorry I didn't have time and he would explode. So next he asks I know not to answer that way so I say I'm sorry I was doing this other thing you asked me to do and he will explode again. So it's like no matter which way I answer it's still wrong."
I read this and thought I know exactly what is going on. It still is the rollercoaster. He is still getting angry with you for whatever reason. It is still the build-up stage then the explosion. It does not matter what you say to set him off because he will get mad anyways. This is another example of how nothing is ever good enough for him. You do one thing and he explodes or you do it totally opposite and he still explods. This is a pattern. It is the abuse cycle.
Also, it is a good idea for you to delete all the history and cookies off of your computer. In case he comes on and finds this site. Please delete histroy on your computer.
Keep posting okay. I do know how much this board helps. It helped me to when I was very confused and alone when I couldn't talk with anyone else. We are all here for you.
Hugs. Lauren.
Hi Armyleo...
Just wondering how you are doing? You haven't been around for the past couple days... Maybe you're just really busy.. but thought I would check.
Hugs. Lauren
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