My story....long...poss. triggers...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
My story....long...poss. triggers...
1
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:57pm
I've been married for 8 1/2 years. We were together for 11 1/2. The abuse actually started before we were married. At first when he got mad, he would just leave. And I would worry about him getting into a car accident or whatever. I asked him not to leave anymore and to try and talk things out when we would argue. BIG MISTAKE! I still catch myself blaming myself, saying if only I had just let him go the abuse would have never started......

You see then he started thowing things and breaking my personal belongings. One time when our daughter was 8 months old he ripped the shower rod out of the wall shower curtain and all. Then he put his boot through my coffee table. I did call the police that time, but only asked that they make him leave. I didn't press charges.

He has always screamed at me, called me names mainly b!tch, or lazy b!tch. He says I don't do anything, that *I'm* the one who doesn't spend time with him, how I love the kids' more than I love him, that I even love the dog more than I love him. How he thinks I don't ever want to even have sex with him. He goes to work every day and busts his butt off and I don't even appreciate it. All he wants to do is come home and relax. (God forbid he spend any time with the kids or I) For the last 3 years, since we have purchased a computer all he has done is live in the bedroom. He comes home from work and right into the bedroom he goes. Either straight to the computer or he would go to bed.

Then it turned into him shoving me. He even put my arm behind my back and pulled it up to increase the pain. The abuse just started changing, from the throwing, breaking things, shoving, hitting, punching to the final straw.

On March 25, 2004 he pulled a knife on me. I knew something bad was going to happen that day, but I didn't think it was going to be that bad. I really didn't. We had pretty much been ignoring each other for a few days. We had gotten into an arugment that morning, and he broke the alarm clock with his fist. I had gotten up so he wouldn't wake our son who was in bed with us. We went to the living room and I asked him what was wrong. He said he didn't have 'time' to talk about it, he had to go to work. He was mad that I had stayed up so late. I didn't come to bed until about 4:30 am. He didn't like it, he was furious. We talked, I asked him if he wanted a divorce, he said no, he thinks *I* am the one that wants a divorce as I am always the one who brings it up. We talked/argued for awhile and he left to go to work. I wanted to be gone when he got home. I knew he would still be mad when he got home, and didn't want the kids to see us fight. We didn't quite make it. When he got home I asked him if he would move his car, he aske me where we were going, I said to my Dad's house, he asked when we would be home, I said I wasn't sure. He moved his car. We got home around 7:45 pm. His car was parked at the VERY END of the driveway. I could not pull my van in. I was upset as you could imagine. Why on earth would he do this? I pulled my van over to the side of the road, got out and went inside to get my set of keys to his car to move it. He was sitting in the living room rocking in the rocking chair. I grabbed my keys and went outside to move it, mad, and moved it. When I got in he said he was going to move it. I said, yeah, sure you were. He proceeded to walk over to my computer that he had JUST built for me, it is in the living room, turned it over on its side, and stab it with his knife. I stood there in shock. My mouth agape. What seemed like forever, which was only seconds probably, I finally found my voice and told him he needed to leave. I told him I wanted a divorce and that he needed to leave, that I had had enough.

Foolishly, I made a mistake and said what can I do to your computer. I was on my way to the bedroom to cry and he was right on my butt. I turned on the light and he threw me against the wall. He was choking me with his left hand and with his right hand he pulled out his knife. He held it to my face and to my throat. I was standing there crying hysterically and begging him for my life. I had never seen such hate and evil in his eyes ever before. I was sure I was going to die. I just knew my kids were going to see their Mommy dead. And then all I could think about was him then killing them. Our daughter heard my screams and walked into our bedroom. As long as I live I will forever have the look on her face burned into my memory. My poor, poor baby girl. She started screaming and crying for her dad to stop. :( I told her to RUN, to get her brother and to get out of the house and to go to grandmas and call 9-1-1. My Mom lives just 3 houses away, thank God.

He then let me go and ran after our daughter. To stop her I guess. She had run into her room to get her coat. I ran after him. He had ahold of her. I was trying to get him to let go of her, I was hitting him in the face. Trying to get in between them. I have never felt so full of adrenilin in all my life. I finally got him to let go of her and put my body between him and her. She ran into the kitchen and out the back door as he would not let us into the living room. Which is where our son was. She ran to my Mom's house in only her socks and coat. There was snow and ice on the ground. When he heard me say she was gone, he unhooked the computer and left.

He was arrested a short time later at his fathers house. But, was bonded out by his father less that 24 hour later. He is being charged with Felonious Assault, or Assault With A Dangerous Weapon. He ditched the knife, the police never found it. We are supposed to go to court on April 13th, after on delay already. I have filed for divorce and he is supposed to be served sometime this week, hopefully. There is a PA-53 order against him, which is a court ordered no contact order, he is to have NO contact with either the children nor myself. I also have a PPO on him. I have temporary Sole Custody and he has no parenting time, also temporarily. My daughter and I are both in counseling at our local Domestic Violence/Women's and Children's Shelter, and also in counseling at a regular counsling center. My daughter has been SEVERLY traumatized by all of this. She is 10 years old. She is terrified, her words, of her 'dad'. She never wants to see him again. I pray every day that she doesn't have to. I swear to God, I will flee if that happens.

He was seen today by a friend of mine. He went to the store she works at to cash his check. He gave her a 'message' to give to me. His mom had a stroke/heart attack. They want me to bring the kids up to see her before she has her surgery. He gave her the room number she is in and some letter that he got to give to his boss to get the day off of work. Apparently he had some girl with him too. But he made sure to point out that she was 'only' a 'friend' from work. He isn't supposed to be driving or some such nonsense and he was on his way to pick up his granparents from the airport and didn't want to be caught driving so he took this girl with him. Mmmmhhmmmm....whatever... Nice that he is already seeing someone. Yeah, he really loved me didn't he.? Didn't want a divorce? It's weird because I know he wasn't cheating, he was never late coming home from work. I don't understand it. I'm taking this a lot harder than it appears. I can't believe he had some girl with him!!!! Here I sit at home with HIS *2* KIDS! His daughter is SUFFERING TRAUMATICALLY after what HE did to HER MOTHER! And *I* have to deal with it all while he is out doing god knows what!? WTH?

Anyway, this is my story. If you are in an abusive relationship, please don't stay. Don't let your child see what mine did. Don't let your baby suffer what mine is. I saw a woman die in my city, her husband stabbed her. The story bluliner posted was from my city. I shared that story with her. I think about this woman every day. As tragic as it is, she is keeping me away from my husband. I don't want to end up like her. My children and I saw them giving her CPR, my dd said, "Mom, that could have been you." :( If only she knew just how right she was......She tells me she thinks if she hadn't walked in that her dad would have killed me. She stated that to the police. It is in the police report. Sometimes I wonder if that isn't true. If she hadn't walked in, if I would be dead today.

Domestic Violence is real, Domestic Violence is deadly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:35am
Tenarie~

Welcome and thanks for posting your story!! You are an incredibly brave and strong woman and you have reclaimed your LIFE!! GOOD FOR YOU! I'm so sorry that your dd has experienced the trauma that she has....both at home and the tragic crime scene. But time heals all wounds and it sounds like you have taken the right steps with counseling.

*Try* not to get caught up in your h's girlfriend (or WHATEVER she is...)...I think that was a very calculated move on his part. The fact that he showed up to the store where your friend works to give you a message, with another woman, and then points out that they are "just friends"....yea, right....like he didn't know your friend would come back and TELL YOU this????? LOL...these men are so stupid---its pure manipulation to make you jealous and crazy in an attempt to get you to run back to him. In all honesty, if he has someone else, maybe he'll leave you alone (sorry, I hope that doesn't hurt/sting, I don't mean to sound callous---but sometimes I think if these men can find another victim they leave us alone a LOT sooner).

I hope today is better for you!!!!

big hugs!

dharma