my stupid brain

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
my stupid brain
7
Thu, 08-08-2013 - 4:00pm

I had some weird experience last night. I was watching something, and I had this emotion come over me. I don't intentionally seek out shows with sex, so this part snuck up on me.
And of course, my brain goes all funky and I start remembering things.
Now for the stupid part....this may be too much to put on here, I'm so sorry, I need to talk about it.

I would say starting a few years after we married, he started making me come before he would have sex with me. It became like a thing with him. 'No, I don't want to' was not an acceptable answer. He was going to do it and after a while he started adding to it. Like, one was over...but he would not move his hands away until I did more. It was hand or mouth but he would not stop....until he felt done I guess. It sounds stupid that having 'O' was hard, but i hated them. And if he thought i was faking, he would keep going. Then, it was sex.

Every time....I can't remember a time he didn't do that. Its exhausting.

I have no idea if that's what sex is supposed to be like. Should I have just shut up and enjoyed it?
See.....my stupid brain gets crap stuck up in there's or like Pandora's box opens and a sliver pops out and I go nuts remembering it.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 8:57pm

Where normal break up and end of relationship struggles this advice is very true, the trauma suffered and struggled with from an abusive relationship is so much deeper that just riding it out you will be ok just does not work. That is like telling a soldier struggling with PTSD to just ride it out and he/she will be ok which is what the military has been doing for years and the suicide rate has skyrocketed becuse you cannot just ride out and get over traumatic things that easily...JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 3:42pm

you will get over it soon and you will be ok.

just be strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Sun, 08-11-2013 - 10:53pm

Thank you both for talking with me. I will do it, I will do it....

I'm gonna try really hard to find someone. If I have a hard time I may take you up on your offer and PM you. 

This board is such a blessing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 8:57pm

I would not say this is "normal" per say, but I can say it is not Abnormal either....for what you had to survive, you probably are struggling with PTSD...finding a counselor is a daunting task...you need one that understands what you have been through, has experience with ptsd and possibly certification in EMDR, is affordable and "clicks" whith you right off the bat...not an easy task...you feel the drive to find a counselor during your spells but that is probably the worst time ever to try to find a counselor...you should look for a counselor when you are not struggling with one of those spells but are not driven because "everything is ok now"....those spells will continue haunting you until you deal with them and you cannot deal with them alone....so try to make yourself a promise that when you are "OK" you will start looking for a counselor then do what you have to do to keep that promise...If you dont have anyone to ask for suggestions, call the domestic abuse hot line and see if they can recommend someone for you to interview...use that initial appointment as an interview to see if that person understands what you are struggling with to a point you will feel comfortable talking to him/her about those things when you need to. Where your instincs are all askew, if that is a good match you WILL know....If you want to send me a private message on where you are at, I might be able to help shop around for you too. 

But yes what you are struggling with is probably ptsd from your history with your husband....hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Fri, 08-09-2013 - 6:07pm

Thanks for the reply. 

I don't have a counselor. I get in these states- I'm fine one week then a have memory and I'm a wreck inside. The last time I was on here I was gonna look for someone to talk to. Then, I got frustrated and the the feelings passed and I said to myself... 'you idiot, its no big deal.'

The even crazier thing....errrr...is I realized last night that I have been doing something really stupid, and I wonder if this is why. This is really embarrassing!!!!  I realized that when these sex things come to my mind-(the grabbing my crotch when he wants something or is mad, the holding me where I can't move his hands out of my pants , and now this), I 'M' obsessively. I mean, I do it, then get mad at myself, and do it again til I'm sometimes in tears. I am so glad I don't know y'all! How stupid is that.

What the heck is wrong with me! Is that normal for somebody who has been in a relationship like this, to do things like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2012
Fri, 08-09-2013 - 5:35pm

Old poster coming out of the lurk to say vent away!  Great thing about this board is you can put out the most insane stupid mess your abuser ever dreamed up to do to you.  It makes total sense to me why that situation was awful.  For God's sake, a person's climax is theirs.  It's great if your partner desires it for you, goes to lengths to invite it.  But forcing it is just a very intimate control and assault.  And overstimulation feels very, very bad. 

Are you in touch with a DV or sexual assault crisis center?  It sounds like they'd be a good resource. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Fri, 08-09-2013 - 1:33am

I can't believe i admitted that!! I don't know why it popped into my head.I had seen a therapist for while, but never told her this. Don't think I ever thought about it really. I forgot I guess, til that show suddenly reminded me. Stupid TV!!!

But, of course, I am now stuck in this rut...mind crap place.  I can see it, i can feel it, i can remember hating that he wouldnt stop and how i had to pretend it was ok. I really hope I can get past it soon. Sometimes these last a few days, but sometimes it lasts weeks. It gets hard pretending your are totally fine in front of family. 

Oh my....I'm not even making sense. I am so sorry!! I'll try and sleep now.

Ps- so glad I can babble on here. Get it out! Even if no one answers I'm at least saying it....that's good right.