Narcissist?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Narcissist?
26
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 5:34pm

Hello again, I hope everyone is doing well and keeping their chins up! ;)

Just popping in for a quick question, some of you may remember my story.

Recently he told me a few strange and downright scarey things about her.

a) She heard about a certain problem in my city and said to him "I hope they all die". He asked her why and she replies "You know why!". (Because I live there - she would like me to be dead. (Don't worry, she won't come near me!)

b) They were walking outside and passed a young woman sitting nearby, crying her eyes out. As they pass her, she starts mock-laughing "he he he" because she thought it was funny that the girl was miserable. He was shocked and asks her why she's laughing at that and she snaps, and for the rest of the day she goes on and on and on about it and how there was nothing wrong with her laughing at it.

c) Again, they're outside in a public area and a little girl is playing by a little pond, stepping on stones in the water and the little girls mother is warning her "Don't fall in now!". She said to him "I hope she falls in". He asked her why she'd say such a thing and, you guessed it, she snaps at him for questioning her, and the next few days mean that she's going on and on about how she said nothing wrong.

Isn't this odd?? Doesn't that sound like a narsissist? No empathy at ALL for other living beings?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
In reply to: missiceland
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:32pm

"Unfortunately it means for me that i not only lost a recent lover but also long term friend who was the only one who could say my name in a right way. (Life really sucks .) I guess in your case it is opposite cos your man sounds like a bit of a wimp."

I'm afraid I don't understand that paragraph, what would be the opposite, in my case?

And honestly, do you not think it is a little unfair to call the man a wimp? This is exactly why many men do not seek help, they are typically welcomed by similar types of greetings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
In reply to: missiceland
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:50pm
I was not saying that my man was better than your friend or that my milkshake is better than yours (lol!) quite contrary as my man turned into a bully againts me and that was not pleasent at all. Whever they are wimps or bullies ( and that was the opposition i had in mind ) they still win in the society. Both are showing the signs of impotence in the first case impotence to get out of bad relationship, second impotence to make and keep things peaceful and harmonious ( and by saying harmonious i maen not at somebody else's expense). In no way i was saying your friend should be called a wimp into his face. I was just trying to suggest that may be you desrve better than trying to solve his life just as i shouldnt really bother about thinking of my boyfriend anymore even though he was saying my name in a loving way.
Still they have it much easier than if the roles in both cases were reversed which frankly its impossible as they cannot get pregnant and give birth. By the way could it be that your friend is hooked on a fantasy that the woman we have been talking about is going to have his baby? May be he secretely is fantasizing abot taming her this way. The more cruelty she shows him to distance herself the more unattainable she becomes in his eyes and the more he wants it. i think this could serve as quite plausible explanation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
In reply to: missiceland
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 4:58am

"In no way i was saying your friend should be called a wimp into his face."

You did use the word wimp -- there is no going around that, whether you think it should be said behind his back or to his face. And I have a feeling that this is how you feel about any man who is being bullied/abused by a woman?) And as for the possibility that there may be men reading this, you are saying it to their faces. You are unfairly assuming that men are "wimps" when they are victims. You seem very concerned about sexism, but isn't that a little sexist too?

"I was just trying to suggest that may be you desrve better than trying to solve his life just as i shouldnt really bother about thinking of my boyfriend anymore even though he was saying my name in a loving way."

You're suggesting I shouldn't bother be concerned about a friend of mine, just like you shouldn't bother with someone that bullied you? There is a slight difference in these cases, I hope you can see that.

"The more cruelty she shows him to distance herself the more unattainable she becomes in his eyes and the more he wants it. i think this could serve as quite plausible explanation."

She is cruel to him when she sees ANY hint or evidence that he socialises and is friends with other people, to put it simply. It is not to distance herself, it is to force him to stay where she can monitor his every move -- which abuse is all about. So, no, that logic is not applicable.

But thank you for your suggestions.




Edited 12/10/2004 5:37 am ET ET by missiceland
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
In reply to: missiceland
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:21am

Dear Missicelad,

Thank you for drawing attention to that issues. They are very good. Are you a prosecutor in a court by any chance?

By the way I also think that may be you should not be so harsh on that narcissit either? I think she had been dehumanized on this board enough and i can imagine that you are saying those things about her in your community as well. The generalization of that kind are not helpful only give pleasure and indulgement to the person who prosecutes. The amount of text you have posted on her also suggest some abuse (behind her back?) Besides i believe you have a tendency of twisting peoples' words for examaple: I have used word wimp and you do not have to insinuate that i say i didnt cos thats not true.(a court feeling again)

You also omitted the bit about the baby fantasy i proposed. It does not have anything to do with the fact that she is or is not allowing your friend to meet up with others. He can still crave this idea in his mind. Making woman pregnant could mean for him taming her will"power". Possesive behaviour suggests insecurities and fears and phobias of the person who is possesive. Could it be that the narcissist is in pain? But you obviously going to omit that bit. You stick the label on her back and you think that is going to solve the problem.

My aunt who had five husbands defenitely falls unders the cathegory. But she also had spend few years doing slave labour in the farm in west Germany durin WW2. She had fallen off the ladder and was severely beaten for this by the german farmer. Well i suppose she is just another narcissist...
This is just an example from my family to make you understand that you may be seeing only one side of the coin. Time is like orange you cannot change what happened but you can try push things forward.Every case is different. Face your fears.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: missiceland
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:18pm
Sounds more like a sociopath to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
In reply to: missiceland
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 12:46pm

Adri, things are getting a little heated between us, arent they? Hows' about we cool down? :)

I've re-read our conversation -- slowly this time -- and I'm embarrassed to see how defensive I've been, I've misunderstood you and jumped the gun a few times. Is it alright with you if we do not argue anymore? If i started it, I am sorry. We are on the same team girl, us against abuse.

I apologise if I have upset you, I really did not mean to twist your words. When I said that there is "no going around it", I felt as if you were trying to rationalise, or "talk around" the fact that you called him a wimp. And maybe you didn't really mean wimp, as in lousy coward, maybe you just meant that he is more of a passive person. It just seemed a harsh choice of words, and I took it too personally.

I want you to know that I do understand that behind every person is a story and that he or she can be deeply and permanently affected by things that happen in the course of his or her life, and I symapathize with that, I really do (I am sorry to hear about your aunt by the way). But I also think that it is so important that we do not excuse the abuse, whatever internal pain the abuser is in. To me, that means we are allowing the cycle to continue. It is without a doubt easier said than done though, when someone that you love turns abusive.

I also want you to know that I had no illusions about 'solving the big mystery' once and for all by putting a big sticker on abusers backs with the big words taken out of the pshycologists dictionary, and then throw them into the corner. It was just something I had been thinking about and felt like discussing as a possible explanation to certain behaviors, in certain cases, not a generalization or a solution.

I do not talk about her in my community and I have no desire to publicly humiliate her, it would not bring me any joy. I talk about her here, and with him -- when he brings it up. I do not contact her in any way and I don't want to. I don't know or contact any of her friends or family. I don't think I have been abusing her in any way (unless remaining his friend is abuse), or dehumanized her on this board. She did and does these things herself. I realise she has personal problems and is most likely not a very happy bunny, but to me, it does not excuse the beatings, hateful outbursts, screaming and bullying.

I did not intentionally fail to respond to your baby-theory. Although you could very well be right, I just didn't think it to be the case.

Am I forgetting something? Oh, yes... No my dear, I am not a prosecuter, or anything to do with the law :)

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