Need advice?

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need advice?
3
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:56am
I've tried to not "complain" so much about my relationship. I've tried to not obsess about it, to see what comes and where it goes. No. I'm not happy, I know that, but I'm not ready to do anything, so I'm making the best of it.

But perhaps it is time. You see, my dh has found a place he wants to move to, in town still, but a new condominium complex is being built and he wanted to go look at them. So, we did. I figured it would appease him and he wouldn't really want to do anything more about it. Wrong. All he has done is talk about buying one now, in the early stages before theh complex is complete because once the complex is complete it will be worth SO much more. Then we can sell it and make some money and move back to a house.

I don't want to do this. I can't even pretend to be happy about trying to do this. Our daughter doesn't wan to move to a condo. But he has kind of convinced our son that it would be brand new and there is an in-ground pool and it is right on the water - blah blah blah. But I can only think about crying whenever he brings up the subject or I think about it.

Is this the "push" I've been praying for? Last night, when he came to see me at my second job, I couldn't stand sitting with him for even 15 minutes. He had stopped in my office at my day job, I was so stressed when he left. I'm so torn. I know, well, I think I know, what my heart wants for me, yet I haven't the gumption to stand up and tell him because I really know, from within side me, I know how he will feel. I know how hurt he will be, I've felt that hurt, I know how it feels. I don't know if I can do that to someone else. But then tears just come when I think about going through the process of selling and buying and appearing happy and I don't think I can do it.

I don't understand what holds me here. If I hurt this much, and I get no empathy or support from him to try to encourage me to be happy, why can't I say anything to him? I don't know what to do. I don't think I can go through with the act of moving with him. He has even taken to doing all sorts of stuff around the house and has actually said we need to do this if we are going to market the house for sale. Now. Now that HE wants to move, he'll fix things up here. Not while we are here. He has to have new.

I know this is all signs of an abusive person. Yet I still can't do anything. I know that his coming around to see me so often is becuase he is feeling more insecure in our relationship, yet we haven't spoken about anything. He must suspect something - he is clinging rather closely to me. Why can't I tell him to go fly a kite and get lost? Why do I care? He doesn't. Until I tell him he doesn't. Then he can come up with all sorts of examples of his "caring" and I can't think fast enough to counter them and I just get more confused. I feel like a kid, naive, stupid, gullable and most of all - used.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: ples62
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:13am
Dear ples62,


I can understand your pain. My H too, is obsessed with moving to a much bigger and better house, when we just moved here a month ago to our current house. It seems he is always wanting something newer and bigger and better. I asked him how come he hasn't traded me in yet? :) I took the chance, lied through my teeth and moved with him the last time and I regret it ever since. I was comfortable where I was. But, I got over it and settled into our place now. Until I realized that he doesnt appreciate this house either. Will it ever stop? Is perfection and power always on their mind?

The decision is yours, but don't lie to him or yourself. Don't do what you really don't want to. I too, have come to that turning point where I can just walk away, and I'm just about to do it in a few days and yes it is the scariest thing ever, just to think about. Put your thoughts first and let him know what you are thinking. Post back. Wishing you the best.

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:43pm
Thank you strength, you know what's wierd is that we have lived here for 6 years. The previous house was one we had built on property he inherited. I never wanted to live there, told him I would try. When we decided to sell, I wanted to be sure he was ok with that because the property had been in his family forever. We agreed it wasn't worth paying out the kind of money we were paying for a roof over our heads yet not having money to do anything else. So we downsized a LOT. But it is on a cul-de-sac and I like it here. It is affordable for us. We have actually had money to do some things. But the house isnt' new. And it has been in need of work. He has not wanted to do any of it, I think because he was hoping we would sell and buy a NEW house. He has to have everything brand new. He won't buy used cars, he doesn't like yard sale stuff - says it's junk. He believes that he deserves all new everything (wish he wanted a new wife!). Anyway - he thinks he is doing this tremendous thing by doing work here at the house now.

I arrived home from work and he's ready to re-paint the kitchen and put new flooring down. Why? So we can sell it. I don't know if I'll be able to handle his pouting and sulking, but I can't even begin to think about buying another piece of property with him. The condo is more expensive and it is smaller and no privacy. It is only about 1 mile down the road.

I do believe that the battle will begin soon. He is clinging to me, calling me, coming to see me, ALL THE TIME. He is suffocating me with his "attention". But I know that he isn't doing it because he loves me. He is doing it because he is AFRAID of losing me. Little does he know he has already lost me.

I don't know where I will go, yes Buff, I will have to leave, if only temporarily it will have to be me. I don't think that I will emotionally be able to send him packing. But once I'm gone it won't be long before they are begging for me to come back. But I won't as long as he is here. And I'll get myself set someplace and tell the kids they can come join me. I don't mind leaving, I'm just not going to buy more property with him.

I've been reading a lot. I know that he will attempt to manipulate me by pouting, and sulking and the whole nine yards, but I recognize it for what it is now. And I'm not prepared to play his game any more. I'm scared, but I'm also tired of acting.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: ples62
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:32pm

Hey Pam -


Take this for whatever you feel it is.

CL-Blueliner4