need advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
need advice...
Mon, 09-23-2013 - 8:30am

This board was a huge help for me in the past and I am struggling with a situation I have. On feb 7,2007 I left my ex with 2 bags and my 11y/o son. I was 5 months pregnant with his daughter and she's now 6. I never went back to him. He's never met his daughter and after tears and promises which escalated to threats when he realized I wasnt going back, he eventually stopped calling, texting and emailing. I never knew my father growing up and I didnt want the same for my daughter. So, every now and then over the years I have emailed pictures of her. I've also asked for peace and respect in the hopes we could have a civil, platonic relationship for her sake.

Although we've never spoken on the phone since back then, he began emailing back about 2 years ago and for the most part has been reasonable and respectful. He wants to meet his daughter and she also asks for her father. My problem is that I'm not comfortable with the idea of flying there for a visit. When I first left him in '07 I set up blocks and/or safety plans to protect my children and myself. I am originally Canadian and was living the US when I ran so I headed straight back to my family and Canada. With ties in law enforcement I was able to put out bulletins so to speak as far as police, RCMP and border crossings. One of the difficulties I had though was the fact that noone could identify him by his name.

After my own investigating, I found out he was not who he said he was. This man who I planned a family and future with never gave me his real name in the 4 years we were together before our daughter. I found out his real name, actual history and other family after the fact. He literally led a double life. He had my son and I in one home and a woman and two children in another home across town. They had been together for 18 years! I know it sounds crazy and there had to be signs I ignored but there wasnt. I could never have imagined he had another family when he was literally with us 15-20hrs out of the day. I knew he had children but he never said he was still with their mother. My son and I were easy to hide because we moved there to be with him as a family and literally didnt know anyone but him. His mistake in lying to me was giving me his real birthdate and real criminal history. In reverse type searches I noticed the same name coming up and finally paid for a background check on the name and an address showed up. Because I had been to his house before, I simply google mapped the address and BOOM! It was his house, his car in the driveway and even the dog in the background. It was all visible with the satellite and street view.

I have confronted him with the information and he literally doesnt acknowledge it. We can text and email conversations back and forth about any other topic but his identity. We speak about our daughter, my life, his life, his other children, health and well being, life events etc., but God forbid we speak of his real name and life. He doesnt seem to understand the facts I have are in black & white. I think he justifies to himself that he didnt lie about being married because his state doesnt acknowledge or classify common-law marriages as valid marriage. He doesnt answer when I tell him their address history matches, or that this woman's family names him as a brother in law, or that the vehicle registrations list her with his last name, or the mortgage papers/homeowners deed has both their names on it!

Aside from ALL this info I have, he has never paid child support nor have I asked because that would reveal my current address and I'm not comfortable with that. I'm also not comfortable with taking her for a visit because of the history of abuse. I dont trust his promise to control his temper. I've said this and he became offended saying it would have to be peaceful for her sake and how could I ever think he'd hurt me?! Seriously? Arent women killed everyday by men who profess to love them?! I am truly sorry for how long this post is but I just dont understand this person. There are topics I dont bring up because I know it would cause an argument. Something like a real name should be simple to address but it feel like I have to tiptoe around it. He still believes I MADE HIM do the things he did. He still thinks everything was my fault.

Do I hold my tongue and fly down to let him meet her? Or is it really just time to stop hoping? I know I owe him nothing but I also know I owe our daughter. What do I do with this uneasiness? I have no peace regarding a visit. I feel like 'why should I bring her to u?'. I've raised her...loved her, held her, soothed her, fed her, clothed her, etc. from birth all on my own. I've done everything financially, emotionally and spiritually for her. I dont know how he justifies asking me to bring her to him. As a mother, I know I would move heaven and earth to visit her at every opportunity if she wasnt with me, why wouldnt he do the same? I just dont get it....I need advice. I'm at a loss....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-23-2013 - 10:36am

I agee that you should not fly to see him.  If he cares so much about his child, then has he offered to send you any money in the past 6 years to support her?  A father who cares about his child would do that even if he wasn't ordered to by the court.  I know that in the US if there is fear of abuse you could still file a child support case and have your address impounded by the court, however, I don't even know if there is a procedure where you could get a child support order from a different country.  I assume that you would have to file it where he lives and that would cause a lot of time & expense.  I think you should not dwell so much on whether he was legally married or common law married--does it make a difference if he was still w/ another woman?  the big issue is that he was abusive to you.  What you owe your DD is a good home, which you have provided.  If she asks about her father, just tell her a version of the truth that she can handle--right now you can just say that he lives in the US and that he asks about her.  When she is older, you can tell her that you had to leave because he was dangerous and you kept her away from him for her own (and your) safety.  When she is an adult, you can give her the info & she can visit him if she wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 09-25-2013 - 12:26am

if you think it important for your daughter to meet her daddy then ok....BUT DO NOT GO ALONE..take a family member(preferrably male) with you...also see if there is a CASA (court appointed special advocate) that you could schedule the meeting could leave your daughter with them he could meet her and be with her under supervised conditions without you having to be there or involved...then he leaves and you come and pick her up.. whatever you do DO NOT EVER agree to meet up without someone else with you or agree to go to his house...that is setting yourself up for danger in a very big way...I would think it more desireable for you to go to him for a meeting so he is not clued in where you are at....if he comes up to you then he is given a big clue where he can find you...narrows down the haystack for him basically. By you going to where he is it can keep him clueless to where you are living...

The best advice I can give you though is what does your mommy gut say. You have had a good 6 years to re develope that instinct so stop and truly listen to it. The follow it...dont let the fear guide you and dont let your heart lead you...they will mess things up for sure..go with what your mommy gut says..

if you believe in God you can also stop and ask him to give you wisdom to know what you need to do in this situation.

Hope something here helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 10-03-2013 - 3:33pm

I agree with Musiclover and think that you should stay away from this man.

If you don't want him to know where you live, then there is no reason to be in his presence. You left the country to get away from this man.

For all you know this is a ploy to get you somewhere so that he can (or have someone else) follow you back. If he really loved his daughter that much, he would have paid some type of child support.

Also, you should stop conversing with him so much about things. This statement makes it sound like you speak often:"We speak about our daughter, my life, his life, his other children, health and well being, life events etc". He refuses to admit to his double life or even speak about it. This man sounds dangerous. The less he knows about your life, the better.

You have provided a safe haven for your daughter. Why would you ruin that by letting him into her life? When your daughter is older, she should have all the information and can visit him if she chooses to do so. But for right now, you how him nothing and your children everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 9:32am

I'm lost for words...

How in ***'s name can your daughter benefit from knowing this waste of space? How can you possibly say you owe it to her to know him when he's not even human as far as I'm concerned? Just because someone physically part-created a child does NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM mean that he has a right to demand contact - not after the hell and torture that he put you through, and that's not even going into the whole second family issue, I just mean the horrific abuse.  Why are you even contemplating going to where he is with your daughter?? You should be doing anything and everything possible to get this man OUT OF YOUR LIFE 10000%, despite and probably even because of your daughter. Why do you need to emal and text  him and talk to him? What do you care whether he lives or dies?????? He's a sick a-e and should just go rot under some stone somewhere, the sooner the better, imho.

Please try and learn to respect yourself. It's no use saying that you should never have gotten that involved with a 'person' like this in the first place... at least try to make it a life lesson.......................................

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2010
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 8:16pm
I know it's been a while since you wrote your post, but I agree with the others too. Do not go back. If you did decide to come back, it's possible he could try to take you to court to get some kind of visitation with her. I have a friend whose ex convinced her to cross into his state with their daughter, and a whole custody nightmare ensued with her being stuck in that state for about four months while the court figured things out. Has he tried to contact you again?