need advice... confused
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| Mon, 09-25-2006 - 7:31am |
I am 22 and have been dating a 26yr old guy for a year and a half now, we live together and he supports me while I go to school but I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Yesterday we had a huge fight and it started off by me dumping the dogs dogfood in the sink (that has a garbage disposal) and he yelled at me and said "why are you dumping that in the sink, what have i told you about that? clean that crap out" So i went and got a papertowel to get it out instead of putting it down the garbage disposal and while i was getting it out some was falling in the disposal anyways and he started yelling again and said "give it to me i'll do it" so i was just going to walk away but he grabs me by my arm... puts me in front of him and says..." im going to teach you to be clean.. watch".. i said" dont ever put your hands on me again"... well that made him grasp tighter and he said " im going to teach you what your mom should've taught you so watch"..... so i watched b/c he was obviously forcing me to and had me locked in at the sink...... well afterwards i went and studied for three hours b/c i didn't want to be around him . Well later on we end up talking and i tell him that i feel like he's being very disrespectful and he tells me that how can he respect me if i don't respect him.... well his meaning by this means that he feels as tho i don't respect him b/c i don't wear my pants appropriate. I wear my pants low cut and he said that that is not a lady.. he wants a lady and he's always trying to pull my pants up but I can't stand to wear my pants that high and i always... always have on a long type shirt.... I don't wear waste cut shirts anyways. So now he goes on to say that he wants a lady and he don't think i can give that to him and i said.."so your going to end this relationship b/c of clothes, and not see what comes from my heart and soul" and he says that there are other things but when i ask, and i've asked several time, he can't tell me anything and keeps going back to clothes. He also tells me a lot that I need to talk on his level, i don't think outside the box, i disrespect him b/c of clothes (and he says this is his #1 issue), im have a more manly attitude then most girls.. (ex.. he will tell me to shut the **** up and ill come right back at him and tell him to shut the **** up... and he says most girls wont come back at men like that.. they will just do it and not question).... He says if i love him as much as i say i do then i will do things without question.... well haha... NO.... well i'll wrap this up... so I asked him what he wanted then b/c i am willing to try harder and make things work and he says... "i want things to work... i love you" and that is all..... I don't get an i'm sorry, I don't get any reassurance, so i broke down and cried last night for three hours. I told him I just wanted to feel good about us and that what he said isn't really convincing. I convinced him and told him how much i love him and yada yada yada.... I felt like he just let me cry and that he doesnt give a rats butt b/c he wouldnt comfort me in anyways.... and he doesn't even understand why im crying. So im just so confused about this whole relationship.... I told him that he acts like he doesn't want me and he just says..."i do"... wtf?? I don't know... am i expecing to much? I love this man and im in so much pain from all his words. It hurts. Is this a control issue? Do ya'll think he really wants out? Well i would appreciate any advice and im sorry this was so long... i just don't know what he's thinking and i need some help.

melessa...all of this is definitely a control issue. I think the appropriate word is POWER. It's very important that you understand how this man thinks - he thinks from the perspective of male superiority. He sees you as his inferior. Nothing you do for him will ever be good enough because he wants a fantasy woman based on stereotypes - the submissive woman who obeys and serves her man. In his mind, respect means you do what he says, no questions asked, no talking back, his word is law. This is exactly what he's telling you when he says that most girls will do what he (the man) says and not question. He's wrong, of course, but he wants you to believe that you're wrong for not bowing down to him. And he might believe that most girls do submit to men - it could have been modeled for him growing up or from other cultural references.
The things he is on your butt about - like the dog food - isn't really the issue because obviously there's nothing wrong with putting dog food in the disposal, that's what the thing is made for! It's about being the boss and having you obey him. Same thing with the clothes you wear. It's not really about the clothes. It's about him being the boss - he is a chauvinist pig and sees himself as the authority over you. You aren't going to get a sincere "I'm sorry" from him because he simply doesn't think he's wrong - he thinks you're wrong. I very seriously doubt that he really wants to leave the relationship - he wants to train to to be submissive to him and he will become more and more aggressive and will hurt you to make that happen. Please know that men who do this believe they have the RIGHT to hurt you to force you to comply. They think you're doing them "wrong" by not submitting. You said that you aren't going to obey him without question - which is great and good for you - we aren't slaves, but know that he is going to try to force you to and exposing yourself to this will get you hurt, emotionally and probably physically as well. The comment about you having a manly attitude shows that he believes that men can question and do whatever they want, but that women shouldn't have a voice, we are to submit and shut up about it. It is the refusal to do what a chauvinist demands that is behind nearly all those domestic violence assaults and homicides you hear about in the news. Men like him are pretty messed up because of their beliefs about how men and women SHOULD be and they are, unfortunately, very firm and rigid in their beliefs. Your bf definitely has the potential for violence as he has already demonstrated that he is willing to forcibly restrain you to gain your compliance to his authority and demands. This will get worse as you continue to try to hold your own with him.
Please check out the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and COntrolling Men by Mr. Lundy Bancroft and you will come to understand how your bf thinks and it will help you make decisions about what to do about it. Also, you can research domestic abuse and domestic violence online. There's a lot of helpful information on the homepage, including checklists that can help you assess your situation. My best to you.
Hi Melessa - Welcome!
I agree with what sweetdreams told you. He is all about power and control. He wants to be superior to you and he will do anything to control you. What he did about the dogfood is wrong. He is acting like your father and he wants to totally be in control of you. I am happy that you stood up for yourself.
"Well later on we end up talking and i tell him that i feel like he's being very disrespectful and he tells me that how can he respect me if i don't respect him...."
This statement you made really hit home with my. My abuser would ALWAYS say this line and it really drove me insane. He is not taking any responsibility for his actions and he is putting the blame onto you. You did nothing wrong. He does not respect you at all, but he is twisting it around to put the blame onto you. This is a sign of abuse.
You wear your pants the way that you want to.. you do not wear clothes just because he loves them or don't wear clothes because he doesn't like them. He needs to understand that you like your pants the way they are. He does not care what you want, he is trying to control you again. He is trying to make you feel guilty for wearing your pants low. Whether you change your pants or not he will always be the same. If you wear higher pants, he will end up finding something wrong with them. It really will never be good enough. It is all about control again. Making you feel guilty about being yourself.
"He says if i love him as much as i say i do then i will do things without question...."
This statement makes me mad... You have to do everything for him.. but he won't do anything for you. He can do anything he wants, but if you do the same thing, then it is unfair and he gets mad. It will always be like this.
I think he is trying to threaten you. If you don't change your pants then I'm out. It really is all about control. He is saying that is the only thing that he is a problem with - but that is false. That is the first thing that he will nag at you about. If you do change your pants - so after there will something else for him to complain about. It will never end. It is about control and he will do everything and anything to get control over you.
Please keep posting away on here. Keep reading and lurking too. You will start to learn a lot about how all abuser are so similar, but so different.
Hugs. Lauren
I'm happy to hear that you are going to therapy. You go alone right? The reason I ask is becuase when people go to couples counselling with an abusive partner, you really take a few steps back for your well-being - not steps forward. You cannot open up enough with a therapist and an abuser in the same room. It seems like the victims are afraid to open up in case it causes a huge fight when they leave. I have heard a few stories of that happening. It does put more danger in the situation - the abuser will become very angry that you opened up with the therapist and that you should know better. Have you mentioned to the therapist about your BF's control??
"I actually had a job at my stepmom's gym and I was making 20 bucks an hour but he made me quit b/c the guys we're flirting with me and this is a cheerleading gym "
This is another red flag for me. He is trying to control you because he is jealous of you talking with other guys. He wants to control you and only wants you to himself. He is making you feel guilty, but you shouldn't feel guilty. He is being very possesive.
Have you thought about mentioning your problems with your parents? It will be hard to open up with them, but it might help you too to be open. My parents were very supportive of me when I was going thru my breakup with my abuser. It did really help that they knew what was going on. They looked from the outside in and could see red flags. Me being on the inside could not see all the red flags. I started to see all of the red flags as soon as I was out on my own.
Hugs. Lauren