Need advice, opinions, reminders

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Need advice, opinions, reminders
21
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 1:07pm

I just want the cops to show up and serve me! I want it done. He started again last night. He goes around and around, and it ends with him trying to touch me. Sun night the kiss on the head, last night he got on the floor after apologizing and went to hug me, my whole body stiffened up and I held my arm by the side where his chest would have touched me. I was stupid and after he kept asking what he had done, I finally started to list things that had hurt me, waste of time I know. Sure enough it was all about how I started it, I came after him, all a bunch of BULL! He actually tried to deny throwing a class at me, until I reminded him of the dent in the stove, where it ended up hitting. Yes I realize nothing would have been solved in our "discussion", but I wanted him to leave the freakin room!

Last night when I was leaving to pick up DD from B-ball practice, he's telling me to watch the gas, how I'm not going to milk him out of money for that cause I'm driving oldest DD to work, and one to parctice. Tell me your opinion on that please. Cause he was on me and oldest DD for her to get a job, for about 3 months. She will help with gas when she actually gets her 1st check, and she did give me $5. on Sunday. I can't wait until this man is sending me support checks, at least I wont have to ask him for money! I emailed him at work today that he would have to take youngest DD to pre-school cause I was out of gas! He left $10 for me to pick her up, but I planned on taking bottles back so I wouldn't have to ask him for a thing!

Drove by a house that's for sale, owner financing. I've looked at it already, it's a 4 bedroom, downstairs is smaller, upstairs bigger, than what we're in now. The guy dropped the price. I'll look into it more. H says he's set aside money for me to move out, to find a place. I'm very doubtful that if I said make a check to..., that it would happen. It's available immediately. That's why I'm considering it more now.

Would appreciate hearing your thoughts, the past couple of days and talking with him has my head starting to spin again. Just have to stop falling for the BS and cut the conversations short.

Thanks everyone!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 9:48pm

Carrie,
'"m kind of catching up and reading, but wanted to suggest you take EVERY PENNY you can.
Sock it away.

Take bottles back, coupons, pawn things (they'll never miss them and if they do they'd never admit they lost them), when you know he's away have a fast yard sale. Sell things on Craig's list. Return things.

Do what EVER you can to sock every penny away. The thing is, he's tight to begin with and he's only going to get tighter. Financially crippling you is part of the M.O.

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 6:59am

Thanks C,

Honestly he's so tight w/ money, I usually end up using bottle money for gas. I do clip coupons. I have a checking acct of my own and support goes in DD. I'll let that add up and not touch it. Had a nice surprise from the lady I provide daycare for, an extra weeks pay as bonus, he doesn't know. I can keep that in there too. If I absolutely had to I could borrow money from family, but would rather not have to worry about paying them back since money will be so tight once I am out. When I am out, my support/maintenance will be a fairly decent amount. Even if he hides stuff, going by tax returns alone I should be fine. I'm thinking of pawning my ring, will ask lawyer today, make sure it's MY property.

Thanks for getting me thinking on this subject, I was really focused on other things, needed this brought up.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:01am

I'm not at all sure about this, but I think I'm on target here.

As long as you're not legally separated, yours is mine and mine is yours. Once you're separated, though, legally, it becomes different.

So hock, sell, trade, and do whatever you can beforehand! :) OK, he'll think you've lost your mind if you suddenly, in December, do the yard sale, but anything you can, right? :)

Ask your lawyer so you can financially get out as well as you can. I happen to think that kids = no money, so it's kind of a given. It just comes down to how you can wangle your life. The good news is you have a huge purpose in them, right?

I'd be interested to hear what your lawyer says, and if you don't mind, perhaps your state? It's so different from place to place.

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 2:54pm
Hi! I finally got a chance to reply. We have 4 kids together so it's hard, but my oldest 2 notice the abuse. The reason i feel bad about leaving is partly because he doesn't know that I'm planning to. I'm keeping it from him and as soon as he has one of his blow ups- that's when I'll tell him I'm done. Hopefully I'll find the courage to do it. I'll keep posting on this board. Thanks for the support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 8:08am
Hi Carrie, I'm Roxcee new to these boards. Congrats on finally knowing you have got to leave. That's the first major step. Looks like you know what to do. Keep posting and telling yourself and the universe that you can do this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 9:22pm

Hi Carrie,
Hope the holiday goes well and your son's b-day! I'm thinking of you and sending prayers...

hugs,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 5:14pm

NY, 2 children together = 25% gross income, I'll do okay, there are some deductions allowed, medicare, I think 401K. Filing for attorney fees, not reliable. Possible maintenence, based on the fact that we've been married 5 years, I a SAHM while he worked and earned a Bachelors degree evenings. He owned the house, but definitely I'm getting part of the equity. Lawyer says don't leave, I'll lose leverage, but also said if I must for my health, do it. Since H has this big house, any accomadations I could make now would seem terrible, so I'll have to suck it up, disregard him.

H would have a chance in hell of getting the kids. All of which are able to be on high honor roll are since day one. Athletic awards, academic awards, all in sports or working. I provide all the transportation, one in pre-school, carpools. How would he say I was unfit? Is he going to quit work to care for them, or put them in someone elses home? Dip stick!

He keeps coming in here! Are you online w/ your boyfriend? It doesn't work anymore! Leave me alone! He wanted to know if I like the wine he bought. I'm just going to enjoy the time the kids are home, and be grateful he's back at work tomorrow!

Thanks C! You're insight makes so much more sense to me knowing you're previous job, and past relationship!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 5:32pm

Before I realized I deserved more, I realized my kids did. I thought only a couple of my kids noticed anything, I say only cause I have 6, but even one seeing is too many. We think we can hide it, but they all know, they all feel it. they just don't all know how to verbalize it.

You'll find the courage, keep reading and posting for support. Some days I hate to! But I can't brush it aside anymore. It's real, it's not going to change. When I started posting, I cried at reading other's experiences, than I could relate, now I can fight back. I pray for all of us daily. We deserve happiness and acceptance. But 1st, we have to realize that we can love and accept ourselves.

Hope to hear from you soon, take care!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 5:42pm

Thanks Beth,

Having cake later, one more gift to unwrap. He gets one in June too, half b-day. Did I mention his name means gift from God? He was born on Christmas, had his name picked out in my 3rd month. I know we come from different religions, hope you had a Happy Chanukkah (sp). I remember learning the Dradle game in school. Would love to know more about how you celebrate? Is your son stil visiting? How is DS in Japan? What is he studying?

I'll read more, see you have another post, talk w/ you more on that one!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 6:52pm

Hi Carrie,

Glad the b-day is going well-we used to do the half birthday thing too. And for a while the "brother" present. The brother of the birthday boy would get a little gift...I believe it helped avoid sibling rivalry...they're very close to each other and I'm so happy for that.
Son {Philip} from NYC is here til Friday...it's wonderful...and we've enjoyed each other's company more without the tension of my ex needing to be included in everything-and then dominating conversation so that I felt left out of experience with kids!!!! My other son in Tokyo is studying international relations ...he's half way done with his program....we talk about every week which I love-he was home this summer for about 8 weeks..

Our holiday was good-Chanukah is a fun and relaxing holiday...you have 8 nights of lighting the menorah -not a lot of pressure on one big day. As a kid I celebrated Christmas with best friend -I had a glow in the dark Mary and rosary beads. I wanted to be part of her family and thought if God would make me Catholic that would happen! She used to take me to church-I got my ashes on ash Wednesday and all that stuff. We still talk about it!

What is your son's name ...if you don't mind my asking? The meaning is lovely-how wonderful to grow up feeling you're a "gift from God".....

If you'd like I can ship you some dreidles ....I always buy a quantity of them and give them to everyone I know and at work-there's so much anti semitism..so I try to do my own "out reach" -we don't live in a community where there are many Jewish people ......

I hope you are finishing your holiday on a happy note ....you're a blessing to your kids....

Beth
p.s. if you do want the dreidles e-mail me and I'll send some out