Need advice on what i should do

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Need advice on what i should do
7
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 4:28pm
Hello. I'm married for six years now and known my husband for one year and a half before marriage. We love each other very much. We have two small boys ages 4 and 3. My husband has gotten very angry and has increased his bad temper over these years. It seems like he gets angry over stupidity. He's controlling at times but not much. I'm very independent and have a great job and make alot of money. Last year me and my husband have gotten into an argument which ending up him wrapping his hands on my neck and throwing me on the couch and then grabbing my hair and knocking me down, he kicked me hard in the leg. He punched me in the mouth and then in the head and winded up in the hospital for 3 days with a fracture on my skull and had minor bruising. I wanted a divorce and he kept on apoligizing to me and telling me he's gonna get help and he can't help himself when he gets angry and he doesn't mean to do these things to me. He says he loves me so much he doesn't know why that makes him crazy about me. His family and my family have talked about us working things out and try again since we have kids together. I love him so and my children. We are muslim and very traditional when it comes to keeping the family together. Not to mention i already escaped my first marriage with a domestic problem. It seems like i'm caught in the same traps again but this time with kids involved. He promised me he will never hit me again and i went back to him. It hasn't stopped. This is the second time he hit me but not as hard. This past Friday night we got into an argument again about anal sex. We had gone out that night and he had some drinks and when we got home, we started to have sex and then he wanted anal sex and i said no. He kept on insisting it and i kept saying no and he burst out and punched me on the upper lip, grabbed my hair threw me on the bed and said to me do it, i said no and he then hit me on my forehead and forced the anal sex until he got what he wanted. He seems to get like this when he drinks alot, but never at other nights. The next morning, i had a fat lip, bruised badly even in the inner lips too. I have a mark on my forehead and different parts of my head hurt i probably don't remember he probably hit me other places. I don't know what to do. I wanted to leave that night but my kids were sleeping and my parents live 2 hours away. Before i lived 10 minutes as if he drove me away from my family. I need advice on what to do. His parents live with us and it seems like he has developed his father's habits because he's very much like his father. His father grew him up verbally, emotional and physical abuse. I know this for a fact because they way he treats his wife. I don't want my kids in this behavior at home any more. There always fighting about something, they are never happy, they are picky, rude, inconsiderate individuals. I don't know how long i can take this but i know deep down in my heart we are gonna end up in a divorce and hate to separate the kids from their dad. My husband is very loving, caring affectionate with me it's just that at times he bursts out and can't help himself at times he's crying for help to me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 7:32pm

Welcome to the board NYC....


First of all check out the board website for more informative links that will be able to assist you.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:07pm

"My husband is very loving, caring affectionate with me"..."we started to have sex and then he wanted anal sex and i said no. He kept on insisting it and i kept saying no and he burst out and punched me on the upper lip, grabbed my hair threw me on the bed and said to me do it, i said no and he then hit me on my forehead and forced the anal sex until he got what he wanted."..."him wrapping his hands on my neck and throwing me on the couch and then grabbing my hair and knocking me down, he kicked me hard in the leg. He punched me in the mouth and then in the head and winded up in the hospital for 3 days with a fracture on my skull and had minor bruising."

Does that sound like a loving caring affectionate man to you? I dont want to sound offensive, don't get me wrong, but read your own words.
Once upon a time I read my own statement on a request for a restraint order and it was a serious wake up call.

Is this what you want for yourself? Or better yet, Is this what you want your two boys to grow up to be? You say he's like his father, what do you think your sons will grow up to be like? If you can't make the break for yourself, in 20 years can you look your black-eyed daughter-in-law in the eye and not blame yourself?
I know it is hard to leave. But it will be harder to face the long term consequences of staying.
If it were just you, it would still not be right, but at least it would be just your own situation. But you have two kids. Isn't your first responsibilty to them? Yes it's an adjustment for all when they only see daddy on the weekends...but in the end isn't that better than raising two prospective woman beaters? How can your kids respect women if their whole life they watch you get beat by dad, and just keep sticking around for more?

Wish I had more of a positive post, but I have been there, and if only I hadn't wasted so much time. I hate to see others make the same mistake. It is clearly time to go...If your family is not supportive of you leaving, lean on your friends, and if they are not, seek out a support group, or someone. It will be very difficult to get through this without some support....Post anytime, there is plenty of support for you here as well. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 2:23am
You sound like such a beautiful person. Please go to a Domestic Abuse Counselour at one of your local shelters or try to get one on your insurance that specializes in Domestic Violence. It is very important that they SPECIALIZE in that. Once you get there, whether you are in a group or individual, little by little it will strengthen your resolve should you choose to leave him. Because you"ll know that NO abuse should ever be tolerated, not even 'a little.' And this does not sound like a little, by any accounts. Even if these episodes are infrequent, they sound quite brutal.
Please get help for you and your children. I know how utterly charming abusive men could be, we end up as the nurturing women wanting to heal and protect them; our abusers. But like all the DV counselours say, the honeymoon period (when they do not hit you and when some are treating you with kindess, love and sometimes presents) gets shorter and shorter and the abusive periods get longer and longer until it is one hellish cycle of nothing but abuse and you can't even go to get a drink without him attacking you.
It does not help that you live with his parents, the boundaries here are too thin. Any hope he has of healing himself (though small) will be demolished with the ever-present presence of his father and the unhealthy relationship between his parents.
You might not have an easy go of leaving him, but do it before you are too entrenched in this abuse and he threatens you if you leave him. Trust me, this issue will grow and grow. Sweetheart, he will not just stop hurting you one day out of the kindness of his heart. His behaviors are learned behaviors. Abusers can love (in their own twisted way) and completely justify their angry, outrageous behaviors. It is not seen as opposing behavior to them. Some crazy thing makes them go off, and you are the target. It can be stress and job-related but he might justify it by blaming you for the source of his stress, since he needs to support his family, although you stated you do well with your job.
Anyway, one step at a time. Go to sessions, without him knowing. If you decide to leave him, prepare a plan. Make sure that he knows nothing of all of this. Also try to learn all of your legal rights when leaving an abuser so that if need be, you can get a restraining order. You might think he can be sweet, but don't underestimate the rage you could unleash if he ever found out you were thinking of leaving him. And his parents will most likely NOT be on your side, especially his father; they can make up lies about you. Just take it one step at a time, and make sure you have all abuse incidents documented. ALL. If you see a doctor during those violent times, make sure to keep copies of the treatment you received and wounds inflicted. I am not sure whether to tell you to tell your doctor, although it is probably obvious to them, because in many places YOU can get into trouble if your kids are living in an abusive home and you fail to report it.
The best thing to do IMO, is to get advice. Legal advice, DV advice. Get your hands on all the advice (and read stories of other women in abusive situations) you can get so that you can have your own back from a legal and safe standpoint. If you keep coming back, and posting you will realize that you are far from being a minority (of abused women) in this situation. Good luck. Please keep posting to update on what is going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 10:24am

Hi,

I'm back. Thanks everyone for posting, can use more advice so keep on posting so i can have the strength to plan this out. I'm 31 and young, very attractive and know that i can get better. I have alot of good self esteem and feel highly great for myself and love myself too much to go through this crap. I can't stand having my kids see his daddy hitting mommy because they are gonna end up like him just like my husband wounded up like his father. Now having his parents live with us, i can see now where he gets his personality, attitude and rudeness. His parents are not affectionate at all! They are always fighting. Everyday it's a new issue. They are never happy. They always complaining about everything and make a big deal of nothing. I can't take it anymore. I want out of this house! She is picky with everything i do. They even can't stand my kids playing around in the house, they tell me to take them to their room where they should play. I told them they are children and will only act like children. I told my fatherinlaw to go to his room and watch tv in there if the noise is distracting him. I don't tolerate any crap i'm strong. I was brought up in a loving, caring and affectionate home. My dad is the best DAD there is and that's what i want for my kids. Ever since i had children with my husband he only plays with them once in a while and doesn't spend much time with them. He always yells at them and approach them in a high voice, i don't like that, they are little boys for crying out loud. I need to do this for myself and for my kids. I don't care if i wound up a single mom at least i know that i don't need anger and frustration, stress in my life. I'm very independent and support myself since i make double than what he does. I supported him all these years he even went without work for two good years just hanging around with his buddies and leaving me home with the kids at night. He even cheated on me a couple of times i found out and he denies everything. My mom keeps telling me and still does........LEAVE HIM....HE'S NO GOOD. I think mom knows best since she gave birth to me. I love my family and i know they will support me. I just don't know where to begin. I'm afraid he'll kill me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 10:32am

Hi,

i also forgot to mention that the last episode when he did all those things to me one night i waited til he fell asleep and ran to the car and called 9-1-1 and the police saw me and immediately had him arrested that night. And he had to stay in jail for one whole night to get bailed out. I still keep all the documents in a safe place so he doesn't know i have them still. I can't believe that he still hits me after what i put him through!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 3:58pm

Just a couple things, because the others have said a lot of what I was going to:


#1 - Your husband raped you, and has raped you several times from what I can tell.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 10:38pm
Welcome, nycmom.