Need advice/opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Need advice/opinions
5
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 6:13pm
So H and I have been separated for almost 2 weeks. He is supposedly going to go to an abuser's group. He has had a hard time finding one that will take a self-referral. The one he found is facilitated by the guy who runs a court mandated program. But the one that he can go to is only once a month?? He's supposed to meet with this counselor 1:1 on Wednesday. I found another one he can go to that sounds more intensive. I know I shouldn't be involved with finding him a program. I keep asking myself if it is really going to change my feelings at this point. I don't think so. Then I start questioning, "what if he goes and they tell him he's not an abuser!" This is me second guessing myself, I know. I asked my friend today, "H was abusive, right?". Her response was, "Are you f***ing kidding me?! How can you even question it!"

Has anyone's husband/SO every willingly gone into an abuser's program and if so what was the outcome? In Lundy's book he says most of his self-referrals end up dropping out.

Oh, and then I start focusing on this guy friend of mine who is kind of blowing me off.... My guess is that he has abusive tendencies, passive-agressive. If he was a true friend he would be there for me now. He doesn't know why H and I are separated just that we are. It's an unhealthy friendship, I'm sure, since I am way too concerned with him.

HELP!! AM I NORMAL????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 6:45pm

Let's try and go one item at a time:


First - yes, you are completely normal for this point in time.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2001
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 6:54pm

Mine was kicked out of the class on the first day because when he told that group that he intended to kill us if I won sole custody, and they thought he was joking, he told them, "Look me in the eye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 6:59pm
Thanks Blue.... I forgot to mention that H "says" he is fully responsible. He has admitted the abuse to family and a few close friends. BUT.... in conversation he still insists we both have issues and that he thinks he became verbally abusive again because we had a conversation where I said I wanted to lose weight before I became pregnant again. So when I went to happy hour instead of karate and ate baked doritos HE felt cheated and lied to. So in essence he is still trying to find an excuse and blame me, am I right here?? I said this to him but of course he doesn't see it. I guess that is supposed to excuse the fat stomach comment too.

So now people (family/friends)are telling me he's sorry and is taking responsibility.... yeah, that's why he feels the need to blame it on me being molested as a kid and overeating to deal with stress. Now EVERYONE knows my personal life...

I have to keep re-reading Lundy's book to remind myself why he is doing these things. So that others don't place all the blame on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:31pm

So in essence he is still trying to find an excuse and blame me, am I right here??


Yup.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 7:49am
First of all, you can bet that in 27 years my STBX has pulled many, many stunts. He has voluntarily entered a batterer's program - didn't finish it either. He and most of the guys in there, from what I gather, all had the idea that each of them was 'set up' by their wives or SO and that's why they were there. They didn't think they were wrong.

My STBX has gone through many stages - the 'I'm sorry, I'll get help', to the 'it's all your fault, you bit--' stage. He has pulled every stunt in the book.

If I were a betting person, I'd bet if you went back to him it would all just start all over again.

Big, big red flag on the weight/verbal abuse thing. He's making excuses for his behavior.

Hugs,

Jackie