in need of help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
in need of help
3
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 10:45am

my best friend is in need of help her husband is verbally abusive to her, he has threatened to bust her teeth down her throat and the latest is last night when he told her he wished she was dead in front of her two kids which their ages are 8 years old  and almost 2 yrs old, the 8 yr old is having a rough time cause mom told her that she cant take anymore adn wants to leave daddy but the daughter started to sob. he has been physical in the past before they had kids. she wants to leave but she has no job no money and has a baby who has a heart condition, and she fears that he will take the kids away from her. I need to try to help her find a place where she can turn to to get the help she needs.

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 10:21pm

The best thing you can do for your friend is be a ear to listen and a shoulder when she needs to cry...speak reaffirming things to her and dont tell her what a louse her husband is...

What helped me get out was first my neighbor. She always finished our converstaions with statements like "you are a smart woman", "you are a good mom." and things like that. after many years it started to sink in that Yes I did have worth. Also I followed April over to this board and realized I was abused. I did not think I was abused because he did not hit me or hurt me physically. Reading on this board I realized that mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial abuse is still abuse and still very wrong. 

After finding out I did have worth I was able to determine I did not want that for me or my kids any more.

Also help her find the hot line number and encourage her to call them to see what services they can offer her to help her out. Some places have safe houses where you can go and have a bed to sleep in and food to eat and help in finding employment. Many require counseling but offer the counseling there on site. There may be some legal help pro-bono that could be available. There may even be medical assistance for her and the kids, especially with the little one having difficulties already. 

Telling her she needs to leave, telling her he is a jerk, creep, a** etc. does not help or encourage her, it only makes her feel more trapped. If it is possible to offer her a safe place to escape to then let her know ... help her put together a safety plan and an escape packet. In the escape packet she needs important doccumentation such as deeds, account numbers, marriage license and birth certificates etc. Kind of like if she was to have to leave because of a forest fire or hurricane etc...things she should have "ready" in case of an emergency. You migh offer she can keep those things at your place so she does not have to worry about him finding it and asking questions. extra clothing for her and the kids as well incase she has to leave in the middle of the night or something.

As for her 8 year old daughter....if she needed emergency surgery to remove a cancer to save her life, and she did not want to for whatever reasoning she had, would your friend then hold off having the surgery to save her daughter's life?....frankly the kids have never known any other kind of life and to them this is "normal" and all humans are afraid of the unknown and will try to avoid it....she does not know a different way of living and the thought of leaving dad means she will have a different way of living...that is why she is so reluctant to agree to mom leaving dad....she is too afraid...this is the point when mom needs to step up and be the adult and make the adult decisions based on what is best for the kids and herself and not what her child is afraid of. But right now that cannot happen...why? because she has had any type of self confidence, self belief and self worth taken away from her...that is why you taking the time and giving her reaffirming statements and avoiding the negative comments is what she needs right now....you will be giving her back the strength she needs to do what she knows she needs to do.

You can invite her to come here and read other peoples stories, or you can print them out and offer she can read them at your house. You can buy her a book "why does he do that" so she can start educating herself on her own situation. 

I even took a friend to a Celebrate Recovery meeting for a few months so she could realize she was not crazy, she was not the bad one, and she did have worth. Maybe you can find a Celebrate Recovery meeting near you and invite her to come along with you.

As for taking the kids away, that is text book abuser...They know that a woman will not leave her babies with a known abuser and use that to force her to stay. Most of it is bluffing just like in poker. Chances are if she leaves him he will try to gain custody so he can manipulate and punish her by controling when she can and cannot see her kids. That game does work IF she does not have a grip on her own emotions and emotionally reacts to his manipulations. He will make her look like an unfit parent in the courts if she does not maintain control and use the system rather than react emotionally at his every game...The woman that maintains control and saves the hysteria for the privacy of her home or with a trusted friend is the woman who can beat him in court and not let him have that kind of control...doccumenting everything is the first thing she needs to do. If she can get it in his writing or in recording and save it for the court date...(ie texts with threats, e-mails etc...even an unaffiliated thrid party witnessing his games)...she needs to start empowering herself...but it starts with one small step at a time....

HOpe some of that helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 6:04pm

Smile thanks it helps a lot and makes sense to me. I have given her numbers to call so she can find out what help it out there but she wont call them so I can only be here for her and hopefully she will figure out that she is worth so much more then how she is being treated. I am going to send her here in hopes that she can see that he is abusing her and maybe she can gain some self esteem.

Mary