Need help for a friend....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Need help for a friend....
1
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:29pm
Hi there. I'm looking for advice to help a friend "Nancy" who is having major trouble.

She and DH "Bob" married young, and have been married 10 years. 3 kids, 7, 5, and 2 months.

Since the younger one was born, Bob has gone full blown anal-retentative. He's always been a "Me Tarzan" "You Jane" type, but he's hitting his limit. If he wants seconds of dinner, she has to get it. She has to fix his plate, pick up after his lazy butt, and has a daily chore list she has to complete before she can go out, get on the internet, etc.

The new problem is that she is thinking of leaving, but is trapped. He has total control of the money. They don't have a checking account because he bounced too many checks. No credit cards because he maxed them out and filed bankruptcy. If she wants $5, she has to beg for it. But he spends every dime, and makes no accounting of any of it.

It is a form of abuse, and I've told her that, but she has no confidence because he's convinced her she's worthless. Going to some type of shelter is out because he has told her repeatedly he'd "kill her" before she took his kids away. The shelter wouldn't be able to keep him out. And since she has to keep the job she has, he would know where she is during the day. He's just the type to take the kids out of school, and disappear. His family did it with him, and he knows how to stay hidden.

????

I plan on printing out any suggestions you can give. She knows she's in a bad situation, but feels like she can't get help out.

Beth

    
    image hosted by Photobucket.com &nbs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 8:24pm
Hi Beth, "Nancy" is very fortunate to have a friend like you. Does Nancy have access to a computer? Please tell here she is welcome to come here and read and post anytime.

If you go to this board's home page there is tons of useful information you can pass along. There's also information telling you how you can best help Nancy. You could also pass along the phone number 1-800-799-SAFE. She can call them any time to talk and they will be able to help her out with local resources. Also, try to find the book, 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' for her. It's by Lundy Bancroft and I have not read anything better on this subject.

She has been conditioned to believe that there is no way out and she could never make it on her own. It's not true. There are many women here who will tell you that they felt trapped, just like Nancy does but, they got out and are living wonderful abuse freee lives. "Bob" wants her to believe she has no choice other than to obey and serve him, regardless of the cost to her soul, because in Bob's world, it's only about him and his comfort and happiness.

The situation Nancy is in will evenutally suck the life out of her. I know, I've been there. I think you see that happening already. She needs to start building a support system. I'm glad she has reached out to you. She must confide in her family and friends. The death threats he utters are a crime. She must learn her rights. She may not see it yet but, there is *always* a way out. It will taker her learning as much as she can. It will take planning and support from loving people like you.

Keep looking up^, Susan.