Need help i finally left
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Need help i finally left
| Wed, 07-28-2004 - 3:14pm |
Well I left my boyfriend and father of my 5 month old son yesterday. He had only started hitting me about 3 months ago and at first he was so sorry but then he would tell me that it was my fault and he wouldnt even apologize when i had bruises and marks on me. He kept telling me that he wanted to leave but stupid me thought he might change and i begged him not to go. well we got into it yesterday morning and he punched me in the face a few times, I have braces and this made me bleed all over the place so after threatening many times I called the cops, I knew this was the end. he left for work after teh cops who did nothing left and i moved all of my stuff out yesterday morning, i am thankful that i have my parents to stay with until i can get my own place. i keep thinking that i am not going home to him tonight, i have no one to make dinner for anymore, no one to love me. This is so hard, i have a son to raise by myself, and this was the first man i have ever truly and wholly loved with all of my heart i was almost willing to deal with the beatings if only he would stay with me. but i had to leave because he didnt want to be with me anymore. i fell like a failure and a loser, and i am all alone. I called him last night to see if he wanted to say goodnight to his son but as soon as he heard me he hung up. then today i have been trying to call him but his cell phone is off so i left a message telling him to call me today because i wanted to work out soemthing for him to see his son, and basically a chance for me to win his love back but he never called and the day is almost over. well i did a R.O. yesterday but i havent had it sent to him, part of me wants him to call and say he loves me and he wants to try to change but he is too stubborn and wont do that so now i have to be alone, i am sorry he is gone and miss him so much. i am at work and i have been in the bathroom 10 times today to cry it is so hard to try to move on and try to live normal again and single. i have to be strong but i need help. someone help me get through this let me know how you did this, losing a part of your heart and soul, the father of my infant son gone forever and he doesnt want to be in his sons life. i dont know how to go on, but to keep breathing. Jenn

Whoa, whoa, whoa, just take a breath for a second and calm down a little.
First off, Valana, welcome.
It's not that unusual that the abuse escalated after the baby was born.
CL-Blueliner4
Welcome, I would just like to let you know some things,
First off, you will miss your boyfriend terribly for a while yet, and that's OK, you will miss the goodtimes, and forget about the bad times(we all understand your heartach). But you don't need the abuse in you life, you will have a happy life without him, just give yourself time to get over him, (your view of him will change as you remember the bad times too)
I'll quote you here
"Well I left my boyfriend and father of my 5 month old son yesterday. He had only started hitting me about 3 months ago and at first he was so sorry but then he would tell me that it was my fault and he wouldnt even apologize when i had bruises and marks on me. He kept telling me that he wanted to leave but stupid me thought he might change and i begged him not to go."
-he will always be mean to you, (not always, but often) and he knows you will beg him to stay, no matter what he does. (he will always do this)
"well we got into it yesterday morning and he punched me in the face a few times, I have braces and this made me bleed all over the place so after threatening many times I called the cops, I knew this was the end."
- he does't treat you right, and you knew it had to stop.
"no one to love me"
- give yourself time away from him, you will find the right man who loves you and is not mean to you. Right now you are heartbroken, and thats OK, you will have a love again, you really will.
" but i had to leave because he didnt want to be with me anymore. i fell like a failure and a loser, and i am all alone."
- no, you left him for your own safety, you are strong and scared of the future (at this point everybody feels this way) "he didnt want to be with me anymore" he wants you to think that, but you really know, deep inside, you wanted the maddness to stop. (but remember he knows you will beg him to stay, no matter what he does and turn it into you doubting yourself. they will always do this)
"I called him last night to see if he wanted to say goodnight to his son but as soon as he heard me he hung up."
-this is his mean way to oneup you, he knows you feel bad, and you will beg him to take you back. You did nothing wrong and he is punishing you, he is playing with your mind and heart.
"then today i have been trying to call him but his cell phone is off so i left a message telling him to call me today because i wanted to work out soemthing for him to see his son, and basically a chance for me to win his love back but he never called and the day is almost over"
- you don't need him in you life, you love him, but he treats you bad, this will not change, he does't love you the same way you love him,he wouldn't treat you the way he does if it was the same kind of love. Your son really doesn't need him right now, later yeah he will (mabey then he can be a dad). But your son just needs you right now, your son will be fine.
"i am sorry he is gone and miss him so much"
- I am sorry you are so heartbroken, things will get better, trust me, everything is so new, but you have to stay strong and think about this, the longer you stay away from him, the happier and content with yourself you will be, you don't need him anymore, he only makes you feel bad. (sure there were good times, but rightnow try to focus on the bad times, things will get easier). it's Ok to cry and cry it really helps, you will feel better if you get cried out, then you will start to realise how mean he is, then you will get mad, and thats ok too. (it's gonna get better)
"i have to be strong but i need help"
-you've found this place, it is very good place to vent your feeling and troubles
"losing a part of your heart and soul"
- yeah, it really, really hurts, things will get better, your heart will heal, you will get happy again.
"the father of my infant son gone forever and he doesnt want to be in his sons life."
- he will be in your son's life, he's not gone forever, right now the boyfriend is hurting you more and enjoying it. Your son will be fine without his dad for awhile, just focus on yourself and take things one day at a time.
Then, I just want you to know that your post just dropped me to my knees. I have been out of an abusive relationship for 6 months and I can't believe how strongly I felt the pain that I hear in your post.
You just have to know that it WILL GET BETTER. One day (soon) you will be telling someone your story and you will hear yourself say "he only hit me for 3 months" or "he only went off when he was __________ (mad, tired, hungry, we were fighting, whatever)" and you will stop and the words will echo in your head. You will suddenly think OH MY GOD, that sounds NUTS! You will hear the words as if they are coming from someone else and you will think Jeez, how could that person minimize those things that were said and done to her, how could she justify someone acting like such an *()&&* to her? How could she even keep a regular life going with that kind of tension, nervousness, constant-crisis feelings going on...?? And then you will think OH MY GOSH, THAT WAS ME!!!
Then one day later, when you feel yourself slip and think "He really loved me" "he loved me in a way that no one else ever will" "I was part of the problem too" "Maybe he's _________ (changed, settled down, sorry, relaxed, whatever) THEN you will remind yourself of the things that were done to you, said to you, accused of you, and you will think WHAT IF SOMEONE WAS DOING, SAYING, ACCUSING MY SON OF THOSE THINGS. You will imagine someone treating you son the way you were being treated, or imagine him treating a woman (a sweet, kind, loving, young, lonely woman) the way you were being treated .... And you will be shocked. You will be angry. You will be insensed that someone could treat your baby that way..... and then you will be SO THANKFUL that you realized the cycle and chose to give you child the best possible basis & foundation to live a full, happy, responsible, wonderful life.
Then someday (much later) you will think all those things you think about your baby, how he deserves to be treated well, to be safe, to be strong, to be loved (truely loved, not manipulated), to live a life without undue fear....about yourself. And again you will be SO THANKFUL, and you will ACTUALLY FEEL PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR YOUR DECISIONS. (Both the choice you made to draw that person to you AND the decision that you had learned all you could from that relationship and it was time to get away alive).
It hurts, it sucks, it's not fair. However, It Is. And you now have a chance. Please be strong -- CONTINUE to be strong. Stay away from him. The only way you will get to those days were you hear how crazy your life was is to have NO CONTACT with him for long enough that you can actually think for yourself.
People who do these things are so manipulative that we stop being able to see reality, we forget what "normal" is and we live in "crisis" mode for so long that we would do ANYTHING (including completely warping our own minds to what is "normal") to just keep the peace. You work so hard to "keep the peace" that you do not have any emotional energy left.... You have to STAY AWAY -- and this will get harder cuz the stronger you get, the more desperate he will get to get you back into your normal role.
But, you can do it. You have to be strong for your child now, -- he DOES NOT need a role-model like that. You are strong and intuitive and your decisions will be clear and positive. Believe it. Live it. Contact a shelter for counseling -- you won't believe how much it helps. Don't worry what anyone "will think of you" -- no one is thinking the things you think they are! Just get some help, lay low and get out of the forest of abuse -- then you will see each of those trees that he created to keep you in the dark and you will walk out of that forest, one tree at a time!!
Love and prayers.