Need Help Staying Strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Need Help Staying Strong
2
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 4:11pm

Hello all,

I have never posted on this board before. A friend of mine emailed me the new beginnings message board link and I have been so confused and out of my mind over the past 5 years, that it did not even occur to me to click on the dealing with domestic violence link. It's like I have not been thinking straight for 5 years. I have been so baffooned by my live in, well now, ex-boyfriend.

Anyways, I got my 3rd Restraining Order about 3 weeks ago, totally unplanned, I just was so mentally exhausted from all his B.S. Anyways, after the fact, a neighbor said that he saw my ex walking around outside of my apartment with an ax in his hand. I guess he was contemplating whether or not to use it??? This actually does not in the least bit surprise me. He had the ax in his closet for a couple weeks and just like took it out and fondled it if I was refusing to comply with his requests to "discuss things".. It's wierd cause he like used to only keep knives and razor blades around, then escalated to like chain saws and saws, hammers, to axes. He claims that he needs these things for work purposes but bottom line, he does not work. . . steadily anyways. And I think that when he like hangs up the saws in his closet or on the porch, there is a subtle message there. Like comply with me or else. Yes basically it has been a total nightmare.

So I feel like I have finally woken up and put my foot down. The cops are pressing 3 charges on him, the last one for harrassment with the ax. I think he knows that I mean business this time. He was in jail for 2 weeks up until 1 week ago when he came back like nothing had happened. I told him to leave and threatened to call the cops. He left and I have not heard much from him. Once in awhile a phone call. Kind of freaks me out to hear from him after all the realizing I have been doing. I am scared witless that I will weaken and take him back. There goes the rest of my life.

So I check my voice mail messages today and he had left a message last night saying he loves me and misses me. His words were like muffled, I think he said I am feeling this way now. I am so afraid of him starting to pursue me again. I don't know. I just feel so totally powerless when he confronts me and starts demanding that I talk to him.

He has not done this yet but feel that it is coming. I am totally prepared to stick with the restraining order. However Saturday night, I went out with a girlfriend and on Sunday I noticed that a mini audio recording device that I use to record my horrible experiences with him is dissappeared. I wonder if he snuck into my apartment and stole this and listened to my secret tape recordings of him. Also my household telephone is not working properly. I think he snuck in a messed with the wires. He hates the fact that I actually use the phone. So I am going to call my landlord and have the locks changes.

I feel so easily overwhelmed by him and his tactics. Like he is too much for me to handle. These forced, coerced discussions that he expects me to have with him. I just cannot handle his overpowering me anymore. I cannot take it! My only coping mechanism is to just cave in and accept this.

I just feel that I need people on my side, supporting me right now cause he overpowers me. I know I have like the entire police department. . . but they are not there when he corners me and I am alone. Forget my family cause they cut of all contact with me until I get away from him.

I think that when he contacts me, I get like paralized with fear. I just hope that he does not pursue me anymore.

lynn

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 4:46pm

Hi -


Phone, VM, in person, third party, the delivery guy from the florist - THIS IS ALL CONTACT and it is a direct violation of the RO.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 4:52pm

Lynn,

I restraining order means no contact. Make sure you screen your calls, maybe even change your phone number. Go stay with a friend or if no one will pitch in then contact your local domestic violence shelter. They have safe houses you can stay in where he won't be able to find you. You do not need to be married to be there either. When you go to work take a different route park in in a different spot and take a lunch. Once in the building most women are safe as there are people around. Make sure your residence and work place are listed on the order as places he should not be. Tell you neighbors to watch for him. Make your boss and human resources aware of what is happening. Keep your family in the loop as well and check in with them just so they know if you don't call to worry.

I think you should really look for a power and control wheel. You will see on it that his tactics are definitely cause for concern.

Extracting yourself from abuse is easy, getting your heart of out it takes time. Just remember that you deserve better and no one deserves to feel scared from someone who is supposed to love them. It may be hard now, but if you keep up holding up the restraining order he will eventually learn or go to jail. Even the dumbest animals learn after you punish them enough. Just remember that a restraining order means you won't contact him either.

Good Luck. Freedom to be you is so worth the aggravation.