need an opinion..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
need an opinion..
9
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 8:54pm

So this morning, as i am making breakfast, I hear lots of altercation upstairs from him and DD..i keep quiet..after a while I go upstairs to see her books on floor..I said who did it..she says he did it..he is not acting nice. i let it go..she is also in bad mood..after another hour..I see him inside her room making a phone call. she is irritated as she is reading a book and wants him to go..in turn he grabs her hand and pushes her against the bed. After call is done, i say to him (in normal voice) not to touch her and get so upset for her teenage behavior. He says - never come between me and her and I should mind my own business. I said never lay a hand on her again..(to that effect)..he then comes close to me..and keeps saying to me..'you bit**'..again and again and comes close to me. I get real scared and back off. He then leaves the house. DD comes crying to me..and I tell her all about cycle of abuse and how he is and how she should come with me so that we can make a safe home where we can choose to do what we want..and not always have to cater to him and his abuse.

All she does is keep crying and telling me NOT to do anything..and she realizes what he is and I should not interfere and it is only 4 more years..and she will be gone to college. She keeps crying and crying..I dont mince words..I said I do not want a day to come when in 10 years she will be treated this way from her husband or BF. she says that is not happening..I said what about me..If I continue like this, I wont be around in couple of years..already I get heart palpitations and stress overload. She just keeps crying says to me to NOT do anything..and not disrupt her life. I said it is already disrupted..and it will get worse. Anjyway..whole day/evening she is crying and crying..

Finally in the evening..he comes back..and takes her out and then she comes back all happy.

WTF? Someone tell me what I did wrong or what to do next....Thanks again for your support !

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 11:01pm
Winter, when you are ready you will go. There is nothing that can be said to you that hasn't already been said. It's just a matter of you deciding you can't/won't/don't deserve to take it anymore. Once you leave, it will be no time at all before she is at your home, ready to move in and accept the peace, serenity, safety and SANITY of your new home. Until then, this dance will continue. It's just four more years. Who knows how many of those you will be around for if you stay?

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 12:54am

I'm not trying to be mean........but I keep reading your posts......and I don't believe what I read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 10:46am

Hi;

wow; that was a very unfortunate incident and it does sound like your daughter and you are in that cycle of abuse. It only means that she will have a host of problems down the road.

As Dr.Phil says you are writing on the wall and changing your daughter's personality. She wont be able to be her authentic self and she will learn what she lives. Its very sad but its true. You have no idea what is coming down the pike for you and her.

The ideal thing would be to leave and if you dont make that choice you know this wont change.. EVER.. You are going to have to accept the consequences I am afraid and deal with it all...

The worst part is that you will have to undo all of the damage later on and that will take so much time and energy and you might not even be able to undo all of the damage that has been done and then you will have more guilt because you would have never left and stayed gone.

Just saying

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 5:27pm

I really hate to say this, but is there something you're not seeing here? There seems to be another layer to relationship between your daughter and your husband.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 5:54pm

hi chipper, please clarify.. thanks

To all - thanks for writing..I know what everyone is saying here..and I get it...LEAVE.

What I am wondering is

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 7:56pm

she says not to disrupt things because she is AFRAID of the unknown...she is AFRAID that things will be worse if you leave...If you take her with you and file a restraining order that can tell the courts to sit up and listen when they go to determine custody...then while you are waiting, help dd understand it IS ok to speak ill of the abuse and to speak the truth of her fears and concerns to YOU, THE COURTS, COUNSELORS, and anyone else who asks....give her the tools now to stand up to her current abuser so she can have the tools to stand up to anyone else who dare abuse her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 8:00pm

I forgot to add:

When he threatens you (AS HE DID IN YOURLAST POST)

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 10:52pm

She is being a normal teenager and only thinking of herself. She is also already caught up dep in the cycle of abuse were she thinks if you to can just get though the next few years you both can leave and it will be OK. I remember thinking thoughts like that and being more afraid of the unknown then what I knew. Even after I left my abuser I talked to him thinking that was best because I knew what kind of mood he was in and when he was in a good mood I felt safe. I was also able to know he was safely in Florida and so I was safe from him for at least 20 hours.

I don't know how to get our dd to see what is going on and that she should leave. It is like we tell you she won't see it or want to leave till she has had enough and who knows what her enough will be. I still stick by my advice to do thing away from him to show her but at the same time you can't mention how nice it is that he is not there. If you mention him and how nice it is I have a feeling she will jump to his defense and what you are doing will be for nothing. She has to come to see this on her own and I have no idea how to get her to do that or how to help you be able to deal with that.

Yes I think you should leave but I have not changed my thoughts that I couldn't leave her behind. I know others think she would follow but she may not but he may not get worse with her if she stayed behind. He may pull out all the stops to get her to stay and she might because she doesn't want change. So this is something else for you to think about. If you go out on your own DD may never come with you but he may do a 180 and not be abusive to her in order to get her to stay with him. So her safety may not be in question if you leave but there is no way to be sure. And if he was to flip that switch and not be abusive towards her if you left and she stayed with him it has nothing to do with you or her feelings for you but with her and what she can and wants to deal with.

You are in a very tough spot and I will not even pretend to know what I would do or feel in your shoes. But I hope you can find a solution to it o that your not stuck there for another


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 04-05-2011 - 11:20am

I agree with frustratedwith3.

sweets35