Need an opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2005
Need an opinion
8
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 2:54pm
I am usually on another board, but had a incident with my husband that I need advice on. I have been married three years, I would not say that violence is usually a part of our marriage, but in the last 8 years we have known each other, in a heated argument, have become violent with each other only a few times. Just last saturday, we have having an argument and he told me he didn't want to hurt me, to leave him alone, let him leave, I wouldn't. He pleaded, tried to walk around me for about 40 minutes and I kept getting in his way. We made it to the door and that's when he grabbed me. He choked me. Threw me to the floor. I know I should have let him leave. I feel immense guilt about not letting him leave and I keep thinking that what happened to me, the marks and bruises could have all been avoided if I let him do what he begged me to do, is that wrong? I have a huge temper, but over the last couple years have been improving at controlling it. The argument the other day, I didn't touch him...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 3:44pm

Hi goddess, welcome -


I hope you reported that to the cops.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 6:22pm
I did not report, the police, however, showed up, a neighbor called and I told them he didn't hit me. We've been violent with each other, but never like this. And yes, there are a lot of other issues. The fight stemmed from a VERY BAD visit with his family, we are in marriage counseling for an affair he had....I would like to work on my marriage, but I know there is no place for violence from either of us.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 7:03pm

Honey, this is now beyond marriage counseling.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 7:40pm
I understand the danger and thank you for your support. I came from an abusive family, so I know the problems that can arrise in a marriage and the danger when one or both is abusive. I am working on not getting violent with my husband and I wouldn't allow it to happen again. I am not going to delude myself into thinking I have to stay with him, I know I don't, I am going to look into the other options and information you provided in the other posts, thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 7:54pm
Please listen to what Blue is telling you.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 10:33pm
No, it's not your fault. You acted inappropriately by not letting him leave. But if he's stronger than you to the point that he can choke and throw you and bruise you, then he is strong enough to move you out of his way and keep walking. If I was in that situation and a man wasn't letting me leave and I was stronger than him, I would simply move him out of the way and keep walking. And I would end the relationship because I wouldn't want to be with a person that didn't let me leave and tried to hold me against my will. But I would not under any circumstances lay a hand on that man, because I have absolutely no right to unless my life is in immediate danger. Women in abusive situations like yours take the blame for the abuse. Then they think next time they can act different and prevent the abuse. But you can't, because something is wrong with him. It's also typical in abuse to go for months or even a few years without incidents and you think he's changed and violence is behind you, but it's not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 10:40pm
There are always stresses in life. Assaulting others in never an ok way to deal with those stressors. Also, I forgot to add, with choking, it can cause internal swelling several hours later, and if you survive the initial choking, your throat can swell up hours later and cut off your airway and kill you in minutes. And if he choked you this time, he'll probably choke you again, no matter how much you think you can control it. Like I won't stop him from leaving ever again and he won't choke me again. He'll find a reason, abusers always do and next time or the 10th time after that your luck may run out.Also do you want to lead your life always wondering in the back of your mind when the next time is coming that you're going to get knocked around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 10:01am
Don't feel guilty about not letting him leave. Why couldn't he just sit down and calmly discuss the issue and work things out like an adult? By him throwing a fit like that and raging out the door doesn't solve anything. When he comes back the issue is still not resolved. He had other options than to throw you down on the floor. You could have been screaming in his face and he should not have touched you. He's bigger and stronger than you.