Need replies fast please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Need replies fast please!
11
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 2:46pm

Refer to my earlier post to read my story, so this makes sense.

I might have the chance to leave my husband saturday, but it's such short notice and I'm concerned. My dad's best friend is visiting his relatives about an hour away. If he is willing to come this way so I can follow him back I can leave. Then I won't have to worry about doing a 10 hour drive alone. I'd have to take my son out of school, well tell them he won't be back monday. Do I need to get his school records or can they mail them? And call my doctor to let her know I'm moving so she can write me a refil for my thyroid medicine. Is there other things I should do before I leave? I have a friend who's mother can get me into one of those income based apartments with next to no money. I can pack what I can fit into my car, I have two air matresses and hoefully my husband will return my things when he moves back this summer. I just can't stand staying here another minute, putting up with his drinking and emotional abuse, and this may be my last chance to leave without him. To prove to him I don't need him and that I can make my own decesions. It's just so short notice and I could always wait till this summer, but that makes me look weak and gives him control, don't ya think? A million thoughts are going through my head. What do you think?

Thaanks for your reply!

-Lissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 3:37pm

Hi -


Okay, let's see if I can break this down a little:


You can call your Dr. once you get to where you are going, unless you need the refill NOW.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 3:45pm
Lissa - I left my abusive husband 7+ years ago so I will tell you what I learned the hard way. Make certain you take all the important papers you can get your hands on -- copies of car insurance, life insurance, health insurance, credit cards statements, bank statements, birth certificates, marriage license, phone bills, all of that. It may be difficult later to find out your account numbers, get copies, etc. Take your family photos with you -- he may destroy them out of anger/spite. Even if you can't start packing, you can start making lists of what you want to try and take. Make sure you take your child's bookbag, school notebook, favorite toys, clothes, etc. We moms do better at adjusting without our stuff than our kids do. And take your check card, credit cards, all of that -- checkbook, too. If your bank is open Saturday, make that your first stop and get your $$. If you can, go late Friday and take it out. And don't worry, you'll make it. I did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 4:55pm

Thanks for your advice!

I'm kind of in shock that everyone says run, get out ... He doesn't hit me and he does take care of us. Somewhere in there there's a good person who just needs help with his drinking and his bipolar if in fact he has it. He spends plenty of time minding his own business while drinking. He usually only acts out when he's woke up after having drank and is getting ready for work. Or he snaps at people if they get in his way (people being my son and me). There are days he's emotionally abusive either because he drank too much and started talking to me (or if I confront him about something), or when he hasn't drank and he's just moody. He doesn't get enough sleep, drinks too much and doesn't eat right. I agree I should leave, after all he said he wanted a divorce and has said unthinkable things to me. I guess it's just hard to see him like this, someone I loved so much for so long. I'm not sure what I'm hanging onto and things haven't changed in years so I have no reason to make excuses to not leave. Does that all make sense?

He was sitting next to me on the couch a few minutes ago when he woke up (he works nights) and it seemed so strange since I am planning to leave (he's back in bed now). I actually started to feel bad and guilty and afraid that once I'm gone he'll flip out and make things hard for me, even though he's told me many times to leave, ect. I hope he keeps his head about him and does the right thing. If it does shock him that I left I hope it passes and he gets level headed for our sons sake. I suppose it's normal how I'm feeling. I just feel so werid about all this. I've been with him soooo long!

-Lissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 5:16pm

Lis, just because he's never laid a finger on you does not mean that you are less abused than someone who has had broken bones, bruises, or has faced down a weapon.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 11:18pm
I hear it and I have made arrangements to leave saturday afternoon. I guess I was having a panic attack moments ago. I called my mom to let her know my plans and everyone I've talked to, even you all who don't know me all agree I should leave. I know I need to leave because he's not going to change and he needs a wake-up call. He never thought I'd leave in a million years, especially all of a sudden like this. I really wish I could see his face when he walks in and we're not here, but I also feel sad about that. I suppose I still love him and it makes me feel bad, but I shouldn't because he doesn't seem to care how he makes me feel. I'm just a really loving, caring person. When I see someone cry I cry. I'm a person who lives to much on emotions and I wish I were stronger that way. I don't know! I'm feeling better now, but still concerned and afraid. Tomorrow will be hard, it's his day off, but I suspect he'll do what he always does which is start drinking after picking our son up from school and pass out before 9pm. It's sad I know ... it's been my everyday life for years. I think about telling him to see what he'd say. I think he'd say fine go, but then again he might try to talk me into waiting. Don't worry I'm not going to say anything. I don't want anything to change my mind. I was actually hoping he'd be mean to me tomorrow as usual so I won't doubt my decision, ya know! I'm sure I'll feel much better when I get home and can hug and see everyone I care about. I'll make sure to let ya know how it goes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 11:21pm

Lissa, I have a child your age. My STBX didnt physically abuse me either, although he came very close a few times - i supposse you could call it "minor" abuse (thats NOT negating it was abuse though!). He also threatened MANY times, to do thinsg to me - "burn down the house with me in it" was the worst). He also is an alcoholic & i woudlnt be suprised if he was BiPolar as well, I was a psyc RN & i know the symptoms. BUT .. they wont dx BiPolar Disoprder when someone is actively drinking. Not that it would matter either way at this point.

I was so sick & tired of the daily put downs, the comments about my weight, the moods, the snappiness, the sheer emotional torture of living every day not knowing what type of moood he was in, therefore, what type of day it would be. Of walking on eggshessl. Of having my 4 yr old ask "Daddy? Why do you hate Mommy? (b/c he said it all the time)", or "Why did God make Daddys & Mommys fight so much?" or "Why does Daddy call you bad names & make you cry & yell at you all the time?"

I have one postive & one negative differnce from you - MINE never took care of us. I was the breadwinner, he barely worked. & he was the most selfish, unappreciative person i have EVER met. But, mine was always very very good with out dd. Yours seems to already by emotionally/verbally abusing your child. It was very hard for me also, to decide. I kept thinking "Maybe if he stops drinking he will change", "Maybe they will find the right psyc med & things will change", "Maybe if he gets a good job & feel better about himself, things will change" .... well you know what? I could have waited FOREVER, while MY life passed me by. & in the meantime, i was losing myself, & i was exposing our dd (now 5) to everything i DONT want her to think a relationship is. Even though he was good with her, he was HORRIBLE with me - & started to use her emotinally to get to me. THAT was unforgivable to me, THAT is what put me over the edge & got me to leave. Screw w/ me, but DONT scew w/ my dd. I felt at that point, I could make the choice, for MYSELF to live this way, but i had NO RIGHT to choose that for my dd.

I got a RO 3 weeks ago & he is out. I filed for divorce last week. Is it easy? ... no way. My dd is taking it very hard - & today was a particularly hard day. It may have been easier for me, than it will be for you - i kicked HIM out, had HIM removed, i have some money, i have a good job & i have tons of family support ... BUT ... no matter WHAT, i would have found a way to leave. This isnt living, what you are dealing with on a daily basis.

I cant TELL you the complete feeling of freedom & RELEIF, that i finally DID IT. Its still going to be a long road, but the 1st, the hardest step is done. & w/ the RO, i had no clue what EMOTIONAL freedom it would give me. He cant contact me .... & life is SO much better. I cant imagine i could have stayed NEAR as strong as to continue this, if i had him crying & begging. for THAT reason, i wont take the RO off for a long time, if ever - until we are legally divorced.

Run, listen to these ladies, they KNOW of what they speak~ R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 12:41am

Sweetie,
Do what ever it takes to get out. I left with less than 1 hours notice . he left and I called the police and we met him on our way out it was less than a hour. do not worry about the school and all that they will help you when you get to where you are going. if you do not have time to get him checked out do like i did and call the schoolonce you get there and explain the situation and you will be suprised at they will help you and keep everything hush too.
Make all your calls after you get there everyone will help you once they know what is going on. I called doctors and schools and whatever else and everyone was wonderful in keeping it hush hush and getting things done.
I hope you get out.

Snow

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 9:01am

Well, I've set the ball in motion so there's no turning back. Friends of my dad are going out of their way to help me, people I hardly know.

When I dropped my son off at school this morning I thought how it'll be his last day here and I feel bad that no one knows so they can say goodbye, but if I said anything I'd risk the chance of my husband finding out. My son likes visiting family and he'd dance around, excited to be going, then my husband would know. I know it's only kindnergarten. I just hope I'm doing right by my son. I know staying in this situation for 3 to 4 more months isn't worth what we'll go through and my hubby needs a wake up call that's long over due. I mean if I stayed and moved back with him, it would just continue and he needs to relaize what's going on. That the way he's been treating me is wrong and that I am my own person and I don't need him. I think this will totally surprise him. I just can't wait until it's over and I'm with family. I'll probably feel much better after I get home.

Thanks for the replies! I'll make sure to give updates, etc.!

-Lissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 10:37am
Please let us know you got to your destination safely.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 5:16pm
Congratulations and best of luck, Lissa. You're doing great!

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