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| Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:51pm |
I'm just a little blue right now, and needed to vent. My hubby kinda gave me a hard time today. he kept on asking me about his hair style, and how i would like it to be. I told him I honestly didn't care, but he would go into the bathroom, style it, and come out and ask me what I thought. He must have done this about three times, and each time I told him I didn't care what kind of style he had. He told me he wanted to be attractive to me. I told him he could be attractive if he stopped treating me the way he does (this of course fell on deaf ears). I was miserable so I started looking up apartments in FL (i have wanted to move to FL for quite some time). Then I get a pop up for american singles...so of course...I have a peek to see what's available in FL (American singles is a dating site). I feel guilty....incredibly guilty...but my purpose was to see what kind of men are out there. I am only 30, but I feel I may not get another chance in a relationship. In my heart of hearts, I feel my marriage will not last. i just want to set myself up for success financially before I throw in the towel. what I looked at on the dating site brought me to tears. It made me realize that even though I'm 30...there are men out there who would enjoy my company, and respect me. some guys were saying relationships are about respect, and enjoying each others company. It made me think about my marriage, and how bad it's been. Why has it gotten so bad? Why couldn't he have shown me his true colors before we got married? I have such a tainted view of men, that I was shocked that there are guys out there that seem to be decent.
I went to a abuse support group for the first time on monday and it helped. They gave me information on having a safety plan, and other things. Of course they encourage me to get out..because it could escalate into violence, and to be cautious when I do leave. Stupid me....i really don't feel my husband would beat me, or stalk me after i left. I truly think he wants to change (he really voices that when he thinks I'm gonna finally leave him ; )
Anyway....I'm sorry..i just felt so gosh-darn guilty about looking at a dating site (no I have not and will not contact anyone)....i guess I needed to know that there are guys out there who will treat me better....perhaps if I keep reminding myself of that, after this relationship is done, and after I have healed...I can move on and be in a relationship that I deserve.
Lmo

Awww...
I'm 30 as well, and I've had similar feelings.
CL-Blueliner4