Need some advice please..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Need some advice please..
17
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 2:43pm

So as you all know, I did consult with a lawyer on next steps. He said it will be hard to get a permanent RO..and he will be allowed to move in eventually (even if I do get a RO for now). Unless we are in imminent danger, they are not going to keep him away.

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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 6:10pm
Whatever your attorney suggests. Something that keeps popping up in your posts is that things are going to be "hard". Yep, divorce IS hard, child custody is "hard". It's going to be hard. You went through this "many years ago". It's possible things have changed since then. Does your attorney have ANY experience in dealing with emotional/verbal abusers at all? If not, keep searching until you find one who does. Check with your local DV agency and see who they might recommend. As for dd, I have no suggestions for you there. It's still my opinion that you let her get away with far too much as far as dictating to you what she will and will not do, and until that gets worked out, well, you are where you are. I never had to deal with custody problems at all because the abuser in my life held a loaded gun to my head for 3 hours with my child right there, so once the cops hauled him off that day (SWAT team and all), he never laid eyes on her again. She was 14 months old at the time. She's now almost 13 and the light of my life. So, you see, I'm not completely clueless as to how girls this age behave. But I am the adult in charge here and my kid knows it. I wish I had more to offer you, winter, but at this point, you've heard all I've got to say about it. At this point, IMO, it's all about making your choices and then acting on them. And only you can do that. We can cheer you on, support you, give advice. But, as always, your ACTIONS are what counts, and you will take that when you're ready. It's just that simple. So, bottom line, same advice as before: Get your own place, move in it, make a great, safe peaceful place for dd and wait for her to join you. She will. And it won't take long at all. As long as you continue to play "What If", nothing is going to happen except endless overthinking and further damage to you AND your dd. That's my suggestion.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 10:56pm

Whatever your attorney suggests. Something that keeps popping up in your posts is that things are going to be "hard". Yep, divorce IS hard, child custody is "hard". It's going to be hard. You went through this "many years ago". It's possible things have changed since then.

Yes, thanks for reminding me..I know it is not going to be easy..but it has to be done..

Does your attorney have ANY experience in dealing with emotional/verbal abusers at all?

He was highly recommended by a friend whose ex was abusive..but in her case, she had already done a online thing and he later came in to nullify some accusations her ex started making..

So I guess he is as good as it gets. I had seen another guy before and the answer was in the same line. One guy had actually said lets just keep all "abuse" stuff out of the way and get it done straight. Another had said..most lkely he will get a lawyer who will insist on throwing out the "behavior" stuff.

One thing this current person said is if mediator interviews DD and if she lies..and he said he has heard it all from teens...(they are unpredictable) and usually what they say is what the mediator goes by as they dont want to disrupt their current situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 11:54am

I wouldn't even start hiring lawyers and all that. That's way to much for you and dd to go through.

All I would do is get out, get my own place, and see dd when I wanted.

sweets35
Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 12:12pm

I think that is very bad advice. Her husband is controlling and vindictive, and if she leaves without a temporary custody order and other things in place he may cut her off and work to make sure she has no access to joint assets, etc.

Tobermory

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 12:40pm
There could be something legally that if you willingly leave the house for XX days you loose some rights in the house. I do not know the true details, but I recall that when my ex was kicked out (I guess he left because I asked him to?) he kept getting advice from divorce forums about loosing the rights to the house because he was already out of it for 4 months (we both had our names on the mortgage), so he freaked out. Something to ask the lawyer.
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 1:34pm

Yes, pros and cons both sides.

I might still move out..and tell him that dd will be with me as and when she pleases..and as long as he maintains the house, I will not ask for any other support

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 2:06pm

Hi;

Winter; Is your main concern dd or financial?

Would you make out better in a divorce or could you get your hubby out of the marital home if possible?

I am a woman who had to leave home and most women I know had the luxury of their husbands leave. I dont know how that works but I wish I had mine removed at the time.. Now I am pretty much living in different places because I made bad choices (dont know)

So before you make these choices and they are hard make sure you do it all to protect yourself and dd. and unturn every stone with lawyers; dv agencies; and do all you can to know your rights in your State and make sure you get all that you are entitled to.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 2:25pm

Winter; Is your main concern dd or financial?

Main concern of course is DD but at same time, can't let myself into some 1 sided agreement..so yes, the financials is important but that can come a bit later..the main asset is really the house..it has a lot of equity in it. But if it makes DD not deal with fall out, I can say we can wait on it..but that he needs to be responsible for all payments and taxes and utilities.

Would you make out better in a divorce or could you get your hubby out of the marital home if possible?

I talked about that to lawyer..he says whoever stays needs to account for the housing expenses and long term I would not want this house. So he says it will turn out that I will need to leave and he move back in..So he says better I move first and get place going for me and DD..and I won't lose my rights to house..

Yes, tomorrow monday, I will talk to legal help at local dv and try to get some free 60 min intial consultations..But I had seen a few before (free) and most of them had told me to leave..(since I really didnt want the house)..and had said in the settlement they will ask him to buy me out or sell it. The reason legal is needed as obviously most guys will want the house but not want to buy out.

Like sweets said, it is hard to start all this process but unfortunately when you have house and custody issues, eventually legal help will need to be sought..as guys like him will not agree to anything..my thought is I will talk to him first ..and he appears to be vindictive..i will have no choice..otherwise I

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 3:46pm

"..and had said in the settlement they will ask him to buy me out or sell it."

So DD might not get to stay in the house, anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 11:32pm
There's so many ways you could go with this it's just we don't have a crystal ball to know what the future holds.

I got a restraining order on my older kids dad to get him out and it wasn't all that hard to obtain.

All I did was go to the courthouse and ask the clerk for the paperwork to file for a RO. I filed out all my documentation and turned it back into her. I had never called the cops or got any police report. He was a paramedic at the time and I never called the cops on him because they were all his buddies.

It was strictly my word against his and the judge ruled to have him removed from the home that day. Then we had an official hearing on it 2 weeks later.

At the official hearing, he was ordered to stay out permanently, but pay the mortgage temporarily in lieu of CS until divorce proceedings were done. For visitation he was allowed to pick up kids on his weekends off.
sweets35

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