need some encouragement..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
need some encouragement..
26
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 2:16pm

i am at cross roads - whether to come back or serve. I was ready to serve this week. Today went to house and now I am not sure whether to just throw in the towel and come back or go ahead.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 3:04pm

When you are on an airplane the instructions are to put the oxygen mask on yourself BEFORE trying to assist your child..The same really goes in your situation...YOU MUST help yourself before you can help dd. Her mental stability is going to get worse before it gets better regardless if you proceed with obtaining your freedom or not. What you will be doing by moving forward is letting dd understand that you are done being manipulated and abused by her dad period.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 3:52pm

much as I hate writing this, I am just being very honest here. Today I just want to throw in the towel..I feel tired and defeated and I feel I dont have strength to put up with anything. I know this is defeatist attitude..but I dont have strength. I know in my heart i will regret but today I just can't seem to have the strength. Maybe something wrong with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 4:07pm

Wait until tomorrow...dont throw in the towel just yet...you have come so far it would be sad if you turned around now....hugs, this is a hard road, hang in there it will get better if you stay the course

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 4:46pm
My therapist asked me in our first session who was the most important person in my life. Of course, I immediately said "my son!" And she said, "wrong!" She said I had to be the most important person in my life, because if I wasn't "right", how could I be of any use to my son? And it was like a lightbulb went on in my head. I was struggling with a "depressed episode" that was so severe my physician put me on disability and mandated counseling. I had to get it together and fast, or my son would have irrevocable damage done to him.

You know you need to get it together or you can't help your dd. You are waffling and wallowing in fear and anxiety, and you can't be an effective parent in this state.

Sometimes you have to "football coach" yourself. Tell yourself that you will act strong and stop the negative thoughts and fears for 15 minutes. You will focus on how strong you KNOW you can be...for 15 minutes only, then allow yourself to fall apart. I know from experience that the 15 minutes soon turns into an hour, then 2 hours, then 8, then a day, etc...until you get used to acting strong...the thoughts will follow. And when the fear and anxiety starts up again, tell yourself that you can handle it because it won't be forever, and you will convince yourself eventually. I told myself "suck it up, feel bad, go ahead, it's not forever" and it eventually worked. The depression went away (without medication, but I would have tried some if I really needed it) and it hasn't come back.

You are believing your husband's PR and that's why you keep caving and going back. And whoever said your dd learned to abuse you just like her father is dead on correct. You need to tell yourself you don't deserve it and that you can act strong even if you don't feel it inside. Trust me, when someone who is used to getting to walk all over you sees and hears you speak firmly to them, they notice...and they remember it next time. I understand that you're afraid if you speak firmly to her she'll run away or hurt herself or something, but the way you've been doing things doesn't work. Young people need order and discipline and they actually crave it. Give her some.
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 7:25pm

Thanks you and Kat. I will hold on for couple more days. Actually after I sent message here, I started to really have shooting stomach pains..I think stress related. I spent last

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 10:11pm

Abuse is abuse and wrong no matter which direction it comes from. I think you need to admit to yourself that DD is abusive and except the things she says she is going to do could be a way to control you and if you do not help her in any way you can to get past this as an adult this is how she is going to be. Use the strength from the fact that you do not want her to grow up and be abusive to get you to do what you have to do.

I know what it is like to be abused by your child. My DS was physically abuse a couple of times and I was afraid of making the call because I was afraid they would take him away and I would never get him back. One thing he liked to say when he was having a melt down was how I didn't want him and would be glad if he was gone. I at times thought he was saying that for me to reassure him that I wanted him but I also worried he really thought that and if he went away he would think I was happy and do what he could to stay gone. Or he would see it as abandonment since everyone else but his sisters and I have walked away from him. But by doing nothing things were getting worse not better and I was afraid I would end up getting hurt or he would grow up to be abusive. My will to help him no matter what became greater then trying to protect him from being sent away. It too a lot to get to that point but I am so glad that I did and that it has worked for us!! In the last either months I have seen a huge improvement. He has gotten though one trigger date and we are due for another one this month, not sure when but it happens sometime in January, and I am hoping we get though it too.

Now I am dealing with my oldest trying to control my life. She can get very mean when she starts running that mouth of hers. She can be mean to everyone but with me she tries to control me. She will use guilt and jus be mean. Over the last few days I have been able to prove the things she tries to guilt me with as being wrong but she did a great job ruining Christmas this year for me. I am not sure what to do with her yet other then I am not letting her control me. I also send her boyfriend home when she gets to bad. We will see if that works. I hate fighting with my oldest but I refuse to let her think controlling someone is allowed.

For you I feel you don't want to be the bad guy and you need to realize you are not the bad guy here. You husband is the main bad guy but your DD also is too. She should want you to be happy but right now all she cares about is herself which is normal for teenagers but it is not normal for you to let her behavior control your actions. It is a hard choice your facing and the easy way out is to throw in the towel but I am proof that if you do that all it does is make matters worse!! My DS acted liked he was going to hit a cop!!

You are stronger then you think you are!! You would not be here asking for advice when you know some of the responses are not going to be pretty if you were not strong! You would not be considering serving him if you were weak!! You just need to accept that DD may get mad at you for your next steps but the world will not end if she is mad at you but it may end if you do nothing and she turns into an abuser because I have a feeling you won't be able to forgive yourself if she does. The out come of this is getting her the help she needs to become a healthy adult and that road is going to be bumpy but I promise you it will be worth in in the end!!


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 11:28pm

Winter, whatever you do, DO NOT go back to that toxic environment!

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 10:24am

Winter, I want to encourage you to file, too.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 10:50am

Posting to add:

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 8:24pm

I hear you all and I agree 200%. I just need some virtual hand holding..what is best way to cope with panic/anxiety attack when I am ready to go ahead. Like as long as I bury my face in my work, I am fine. When it comes to actually doing this, I literally get anxiety attack. The counselor seems to think - everyhting is an excuse - dd and all. It is ME. There is something holding me back..like an invisible wall. She just said to do some anxiety exercises.

Pages