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| Thu, 07-29-2004 - 11:47am |
Somebody *please* remind me of what a jerk my XH is! For some reason, I keep having these weird dreams about him and his family, where I'm back with him and we're trying to get his family to "re-accept" me. WTF?!?! (I've been popping NyQuil just about every night, though, due to this God-awful cold that I'm currently fighting, so I'm hoping that's why I've been dreaming "weirder" than usual.)
I find myself missing him a lot lately; not the bad stuff, mind you, but the good stuff. I just couldn't stop crying this morning, for some reason. I kept thinking to myself, "WHY?!" Why did it have to end like it did, why couldn't he just be a normal person and realize his mistakes and *do something about them*, and why can't I just get over him? I really and truly thought that, once I got married, I would stay married forever. I really loved him a lot, and sometimes I feel like I still do.
Not to mention the fact that I've always had this idea that there's someone out there that you're "supposed" to be with, like your soulmate or something. And what if he's mine? What if my BF and I aren't really supposed to be together, regardless of how great he is? What would have happened if I had stayed with XH instead of getting divorced and moving in with my BF? It's like my life could have taken two *completely* different paths, and I'm just not sure I took the right path. HELP!!! :o(
Love & Hugs,
Emm
P.S. -- *Please* no blasting over the fact that I didn't give myself enough time to heal between relationships. I know, I know, but what can I do *now*?! Thanx!
Edited 7/29/2004 11:48 am ET ET by irishgrrrl78

Not a blast, my dear.
First - no more NyQuil.
CL-Blueliner4
You'd probably be DEAD if you'd stayed with your ex.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
And, you're right . . . rereading some of those old posts really *did* help. I was reading the one where I found a full pipe of pot in his dresser *after* he told me he had quit, and I just got all tweaked at him all over again! He really *is* a jerk, and he's not worth my time. I think maybe my counseling sessions have brought some of this stuff back to the surface. Hopefully I'll feel even better about things when I go to see Susan again on Tuesday morning. Thanx, Gabby!
Love & Hugs,
Emm
I reread some of my old posts, and I remembered how badly he used to scare me. It's been *so* peaceful now that I don't have to live like that anymore. I'm sure I'll always love him a little, because I don't think I know how *not* to, but I would MUCH rather love him from afar, where it's safe! (Especially now that I've gone "no contact," and have been that way for about four months now. WOW that seems like a long time!)
I realize that there is absolutely *no* way that I would have *ever* been able to foster a normal, respectful relationship with him. He's just too abusive. He has no regard for anyone but himself, and he never will. I will always care for him and worry about him to an extent, but I will never again allow myself to be in a position where I have to worry about *me* because of him! Thanx again for the reality check!
Love & Hugs,
Emm
Just the thought of fish poop in my nose has pretty much done me in for today.
CL-Blueliner4
Love & Hugs,
Emm