need some help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
need some help...
2
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 7:09pm
Hi,

I've never really taken part in these discussion boards before, but I REALLY need some advice from ANYBODY. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now, and we have one daughter who's about to turn 1 year old next month. We have money issues all the time because he really has no since about money and just buys the first thing he sees all the time. Our latest argument resulted over a vacuum cleaner. We already have two fairly new vacuums, but neither is really working. One's not working because it's a cheap piece of junk, but the other's a good dirt devil that HE messed up by not emptying out the dirt. My dad said he could fix it, but then my husband waited until I was out of the house and went to the store with his dad and bought yet ANOTHER vacuum WITHOUT telling me. I just didn't understand why we should spend that much money on a new vacuum when my dad was going to fix the really expensive one that we had for FREE. ANYWAYS, the argument blew up when my husband started vacuuming with his new vacuum and I just curiously asked, as we had previously discussed when I'd found out he bought the vacuum, if we were going to return it to the store since we didn't need it. That REALLY ticked him off and he put it away and went to the bedroom to lay on our bed and pout. Later that night he confronted me and, as usual, started yelling at me and asking me seemingly rhetorical questions that there was really no answers to (and when I DID answer him, he would cut me off I guess because it wasn't the answer he wanted to hear, and then yell some more for me NOT answering his questions?!?!?!?). And all the while, I was holding our daughter. I HATE that. I ask and plead with him to to stop yelling at me AT LEAST not in front of our daughter, because she gets SO SCARED and starts to cry in my arms because Daddy is yelling at Mommy once again. He refuses to stop and yells at me when I plead with him for HER sake that all I do is think of EVERYBODY else but him and that I never care about him or worry about him. When I don't know how to reply to him or answer his questions, or when I try and he just cuts me off with more insults, he gets more frustrated and he almost immediately corners me in a room and won't let me leave. I don't know what to do anymore. That happened two days ago and he asked me to forgive him, like always, but I just said nothing this time because I don't know what to do. I can't keep my daughter in this situation, but, well, I just don't know. At other times, he's pushed me or thrown stuff across the room. He's broken several things. But it's mostly the emotional abuse. All the insults that he yells in my ears with my daughter right there looking at me and crying as if to ask me to make him stop.

I just need SOME advice. I know I DO complain a lot, but I've tried not to complain as much lately. It just seems like he's never happy around me anymore like he used to be, except when HE'S ready to be intimate with me. PLEASE...PLEASE give me some kind of advice BESIDES leaving him, because I already know that that's a BIG option right now. Do you think counseling might help, because I think he would go with me. I've even considered having him talk to my dad (6 foot 5 inches and 350 lbs). He's offered to talk to him before, because my parents know about most of our arguments (or the ones that go really bad where I've actually left the house not knowing what to do) because my mom is the only person I can really go to about this kind of stuff. I don't want my daughter to grow up in this environment. I know it's already affecting her.

I've read some of the other discussions and notice a lot of similarities except one. I don't think the love's gone. We haven't really talked to one another in three days and I just want SO much to run over and give him a hug right now. He's asked me to forgive him two different times now, but I don't know if he really understands the whole situation because as soon as I don't forgive him right away because I'm thinking about it in silence, I see the bad attitude come back into his eyes and he storms off. And I know it's hurting him, too, because he IS a very sensitive guy, and I keep seeing tears in his eyes and hear him crying when he doesn't think I can hear him.

And I'm really NOT making excuses for him, because he has NO RIGHT to act that way towards ANYBODY, but I think it mostly stems from a job he had two years ago at which he got EXTREMELY depressed. I don't think he ever got over it entirely, and at that time, he actually told me he thought he needed help. However, when I brought that up at a later time, he took it as an insult.

This is really hurting me right now and I need some advice PRONTO. Will counseling help or should I try having my dad talk to him first?

Please help,

Sad and Frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 8:06pm

Hi and welcome -


No, counseling is not going to work.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:00am
Hi honey. I agree that you might be underestimating the severity of the situation. Also, it doesn't much matter that he had a job a few years ago that resulted in depression. I mean, the depression is obviously an issue because he should get some counseling for it. But try not to justify the REASON for his behavior. Unless he's ready to get some help, the reason doesn't matter.

We probably don't need to validate how unhealthy this situation is for your baby. I personally grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic household and to this day I get knots in my stomach when someone raises their voice - even if I'm not involved in any way. I just can't stand conflict. You have an obligation to protect your baby from that environment. You're her mother, and the only protection she has in the world.

The women on this board are fabulous and so supportive. I encourage you to stay here and read lots of other people's stories. Now that your eyes are opening to the situation you're in, more will be revealed. Hugs and best wishes to you.

mo 7-18-10