need some help again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
need some help again
6
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 2:04am
Hi. This is sooyon. I had to change my name hee because my bf found out about this message board and read all the things I wrote about him. I hope he doesn't drop by and spot this and click it. Ever since I told him we had a problem in our relationship a month ago he didnt hit me but he's still verbally abusive. He says he needs time because a person can't change all of a sudden. He says we could fix the reltionship together now that he knows I didn't like his behavior toward me. he says he won't do what I don;t like and says I should do what he asks in return. But I don't see any hope here because he doesn;t admit his violent side. He keeps on repeating it was me that made him that way. I don't think he'll ever change nor will we be happy together as long as he doesn't accept the truth. Yesterday I had diner with him and his parents and he really made me uncomfortable. We talked about my grandfather and he suddenly says to me right in front of his parents "Oh, don't take it wrong. I didn't mean to offend you." I wasn't offended at all before he said that. He made me look like an versensitive person in front of his parents. I lost hope at that moment and right now I don't feel any love for him.
I don;t want t be around him anymore because I keep doing things the way he "trained me." I can't look at other men straight in the face, I turn away when a bare chested man appears on the TV screen, I can't talk to young male shop clerks to buy something, I take my mobile phone whereever I go (even the shower)etc. I can't stand it. He doesn't say anything about these things any more after I told him I didn't like it. But I'm so used to it. I really hate myself. I believe the only way for me to have a normal life again is to stay away from him.
My boyfriend says I should give him a chance to be good to me because he had been so stressed up for the last few years. But I don't want to. For the last three weeks even after I've got some very helpful support from you guys I still couldn't make up my mind. One moment I feel ready to good bye for good then the next I think there's a chance we could fix it together. But now I can see it will never end. He'll just find other ways to hurt me. Or even if I'm all wrong about him I still don't want to be with him any more.
After he saw the messages I posted here, he calls me and everyone here feminists siding together against a decent and intellgient guy(himself) and condemning him as a total monster. He keeps repeating that I'm mentally ill. But I don;t take it anymore.
Last Saturday he kept me home from going to thearpy because he needed to talk about how mortified he felt after he read what I wrote about him.
He's always saying I'm so selfish and self-entered, but that is exactly how I see him. But what I really want to know is does he really think there is nothing wrong with him or is it just that he doesn't want to admit it?
It's been a while since I last posted a message. I guess I really had alot to put out. Thank you for all the help and advice you've given me. My thoughts are getting stroner and stronger everyday. I'm almost ready to leave him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 5:17am

Hi, Sooyon!

You will hear from the other women on the board soon, but I wanted you to have a response as soon as possible.

Yes, he is still an abuser, no matter what he is telling you. It has nothing to do with being stressed, it's just the way he is.

You are not mentally ill, and the women here are not ganging up on him, just pointing out his abuser characteristics. Notice that he does not accept any responsibility for his actions, and blames everything on you, instead. As long as you remain with him, he will be like this.

Remember, you don't have to have a reason that is acceptable to HIM in order to leave the relationship; "I don't want to be with you any more" is quite sufficient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 9:16am
Thank you once again. I'm at my parents house. My boyfriend's at his parents'. I talked to him on the phone a while ago and told him I didn't want to see him any more for the time being. He was calm and just said he wished he could help me and was sorry for making me feel miserable. But asked me to think it over more carefully. That a decision to end a relationship should not be made so easily. I just said I would but I don;t think I'll change my mind. I feel much better now after telling him just that. I can't thank you enough for all the support you've given me. It's a miracle I found this message board. The therapist I told you about before did not know anything about abusive relationships. I tried a hotline for domestic abuse in Seoul but they were not so understandng and conforting and warm as everyone here. They only told me to call the police for legal help. Are hotlines in the States like that too?
Thank you so much!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 10:16am
Hey, Soo, I'm just going to go line by line to answer your post because I don't want to miss anything.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 10:47pm

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Spot on. You know what needs to be done, and I believe you CAN do it!

As to whether he truly believes he didn't do anything wrong, or what- I don't know. I have never come to a conclusion in my head as to whether they know and are just trying to cover, or not. I think some honestly don't see the problem, and some just claim they don't in order to do whatever they want to do. To my mind, it doesn't matter. Let's say that, for example, you smoke some marijuana in Singapore, where the penalty is flogging, but you didn't know it was against the law in Singapore. You're still accountable for your actions under the law, whether you "knew" or not. Same with abusers. It doesn't matter whether or not they "knew", they're still accountable. Yours is too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:25am
I can't help saying thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Today was my first day after telling my boyfriend I didn't want to see him anymmore. I had no call from him since. I feel at peace. But I'm begining to miss the good times we had together. I feel lonely. I don't think I'll want to see another man for the rest of my life.
When I get these thoughts I ry to think of the bright side.
I guess I'll heal with time.
Thank you all!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 7:19am
Sooyon, there are good men out there--you just picked a bad one this time. After you have had time to heal from this relationship, you will feel more comfortable about looking for Mr. Right.