need some insight on new love..advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
need some insight on new love..advice
7
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:38am

I posted here a long time ago and was in a very abusive relationship for 7years that I got out of a year ago. For the past year I have dated but I have noticed myself staying very distant in a sense and cold. I had taken my breakup from my ex really bad blaming myself for our problems. I thought I deserved it and that I was worthless. I am feeling more condfident now a days and I do realize that I am not to blam soley for everything I went through. I guess I am still healing and still have a long way to go before I am back to my old carefree self.

I did start to let this one man in my life recently which is why I am posting again. I am just not sure at this point. We have been together for about 3 1/2 monthes or so. When we first met he was very quiet and shy with me. He seemed sweet and like a nice guy at this point just shy. We started getting more serious and he would always say things like I did not really like him or want to be with him and he would get angry over little things like if I said something he didn't like he would hang up on me and be angry with me for it. Within a month of dating he told me he loved me and that he was scared and that he did not want me to hurt him. We started hanging out more often and the arguement seem to get worse. He seem very insecure and untrusting with me even though I do not think he has any reason to be. He does not want me to have men calling my phone especially one of my guy friends that I dated right before him. We got into a very heated arguement the other day because my guy friend had called me and I am pretty sure he went through my phone and saw it(he says a friend called him up and told him that is how he new I do not buy it). He asked me if I talked to him I said no because I did not anaswer that call he said I was lying he picked up my phone and went through it saw the number started screaming that I am a lying b****. He would not let me explain so I told him to get out of my car and when I pulled over he pushed me on the sided of my face when he got out. He is constantly questioning my feeling towards him telling me that I do not love him. He also tells me about this girl who constantly calls him and brings him presents, stops by his work to ask if he needs lunch, send pictures of herself in her bra and panties to him via text messaging, calls constantly, etc.. He tells me he does not want her and she is crazy but if so and this is how he feels why is he still dealing with her and why tell me. He says he tells me because he cares about me and does not want to keep things from me like I do to him. He answers her calls and talks to her. She know he is with someone though. We got into an arguement the other day about her. I said that it is not right that she is doing this if he is with somoeone and that I was genuninely upset about this. He was acting distant again would not talk to me and said he was going home so I made a comment that he is probably wanting to go home to see her. He got angry at me for saying that and then left and called me up giving me a hard time about my comment then comes back over a couple minutes later. I think it was justified because it seems like to me he likes the attention this other women is giving him and he is probably encouraging it by answering the calls and such. It just seems like I always have to reassure that I care about him and that I always have to do for him without him doing for me in return. Last nite he came over my house but I was asleep when he came in. I did not wake up right away because I was tired and I was trying to lay down with my son to get him asleep. He got angry that I was asleep because he said that he would not have come over if he knew I was that tired and going to sleep he would have stayed with his friends. He would not let me hold him or kiss or any pyshical contact and then he started to fall asleep next to me finally but I got up because I had to make sure I had things ready for my son for this morning for school.(medicine and stuff). He woke me up around 3:30 this morning asking me when did I come back upstairs and then tried to say I was being sneeky and told me again that I do not love him or care about him. I am just unsure at this point what to do. He seems to be unhappy more than happy kinda of in a rut or something. When he is happy things are good but I do not know anymore. Some of the things he does reminds me of my ex so my question is do you think he has the characteristics of an abuser or is he just a miserable insecure man? What do you think of all this. Need some input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:52am

"...do you think he has the characteristics of an abuser or is he just a miserable insecure man?" YES to both!

This guy is bad, bad news. And all that stuff he's feeding you about the other woman...he's doing that to manipulate you. A guy I dated a long time ago actually made up a whole other person and used one of those photographs that comes with the picture frame to try to make me jealous. Really sick.

If I were you, I wouldn't waste another second on that man, not one more second. You deserve much, much better.

Please check out the book recommendations here. They'll help you learn to recognize abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:21am
I was just reading your post and I just thought how emotionally draining this must be for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:35am
I guess I was looking for someone to approve or to say that he was not that way. I do love him and he was the first guy that I was able to open up to and let into my heart since my ex a year ago. I am just so sad that he seems to have thos traits and that he acts like that. I was hoping for it to work and for him to love me for me without the fights, name calling, etc. He just blocks me out and ignores me which to me is worse. He is still mads at me from last night and would not take my calls this morning. I still have know idea why he is mad. He just called asked me what I want and told me he is sleeping and he has nothing to say to me and said not to call him back or text him or he will punch me in my face when he sees me to pick me up from work tonite. WOW
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 1:33pm
I am already seeing red flags in your post hun.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 11:07pm
He is insecure and jelous and possessive and selfish and self centered and he's already been physically violent with you. There will only be more of this in your future if you stay with him, and most likely he will worsen. If he's like this 3 months into the relationship I hate to think where he will be a few years into it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 11:10pm
Add threats of violence along with actual violence as well as name calling as well as insecurity, self centered ness, jealousy, all traits of a big time abuser. Like all abusers he's just playing a game, if you want him, don't worry he'll be back in your life in no time at all to give you more of the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 6:34am
Sweetie, please RUN FROM THIS MAN. I didn't even get all the way thru your post and the red flags are screaming at me. I'm sure the other posters will agree. From reading your post you're headed back down that familiar lane. IMO you are still in the healing process and should not be dating anyone seriously. Already, he professess his so-called love and trying to control who you can talk to and or see. This man sees your vulnerability and is using it against you. Trust me, I've walked in your shoes. Please cut him loose before it gets any worse. THIS MAN DOES NOT LOVE YOU! I'll make this brief cuz I know the excellent advice will be coming to you. You'll be in my prayers, take care and God Bless you.