Need some reminding of why I left . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Need some reminding of why I left . . .
17
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 11:26am
Guys, I'm so sorry to backslide on you all like this.

I'm sure you remember, I just celebrated 100 days out last week. However, I'm now at the point where the STBXH needs to come to my office (I'm a paralegal) and sign our tax forms, as well as the paperwork to finalize the divorce. Once he signs those documents, I will be able to file them to finalize the divorce on March 22. I know that's what I need to do, and I know I should feel relieved and happy, but I don't.

Also, I don't think he's looking forward to signing any of these things, because I e-mailed him yesterday afternoon, asking him to e-mail me back and let me know when he would be able to stop by my office to sign them. Originally, he had wanted me to stop by his place at noon today to get those things signed, but I told him that wouldn't suit my schedule. (Actually, I have nothing going on . . . just don't want to be alone with him in private, and I'd rather do this in a public place, ya know what I mean?) So that's when I e-mailed him asking him to let me know when he would be able to stop by my office. He still hasn't e-mailed me back yet, but I'm pretty sure he's read my e-mail by now because I know he checks his e-mail pretty regularly. Also, he's on vacation from work this week, so he'd have no problem stopping by pretty much anytime, according to an e-mail he sent me previously this week, stating that he "really has nothing to do" all week.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I'm making the right choice. My new BF is such a sweetheart, and treats me sooooo well, but I can't help but wonder how long that's going to last. I know that's probably not being fair to the BF, but my STBXH treated me well in the beginning, too (although never *this* well!) and things changed 180 degrees with him. So how do I know the same thing won't happen again? Maybe I should just hold off on finalizing the divorce for now . . . my BF's divorce won't be final until sometime in April or May, anyway, so it's not like there's any real rush. But, my BF does want me to move in with him *before* the divorces are final. He wants me to move in with him in late March, after his STBXW leaves for boot camp. (She joined the Army.)

But, the STBXH has joined eHarmony.com, and that kinda sucks. I realize he's thinking I've moved on with my life, so he should move on with his. But, the problem is, I'm not completely over him yet. Everytime I think I am, I just think of a good memory of him and I fall apart. I wonder if either of us will ever be completely over each other? I also wonder if I (or he, for that matter) can ever be happy with anyone else? I just don't know what to do . . . my emotions are all over the place right now. Thanx for listening!

~Emm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:10pm

Finalize this divorce I say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:14pm
Emm,

I know exactly what you are going through. The only differances are I have only been away from my H for a month and a half. I do live with my new bf, due to having no where else to go and he is the greatest man i have ever known. He treats me so good and gives me the things H never did. I too wonder if things will fall apart. My H was never really a prize when we started dating (16 yrs old) but then we were both kids. Towards the end my H tried to be everything I had wanted him to be, but by then it was too late. I still love my husband and would love to work things out, but i really don't think that is possible. My bf is also going through a divorce himself and his soon to be ex is a real nutcase, but luckily she lives in another town so we don't deal with her much. I am honestly not ready to start the whole divorce process yet, only because it is such a big step and until i can say 100% that i don't want to be with my H i can't make that step. I know how it feels to have your H with someone else cause my has already been w/ someone and it killed me, even though I have a man who treats me so good. I think a lot of them do it to get back at us in some ways. I really don't know what the future holds for me, but I wish you the best in your decision and do what your heart tells you to do. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:41pm

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here...you might ought to put this divorce off in case the new bf turns out to be an abuser too?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:45pm

Emm, you're fine.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:14pm
Thanks, Kristin. I believe you're right -- I should go ahead and finalize the divorce ASAP, and that's what I plan to do. It's gonna hurt like he!!, but that's life. I just need to do what you said -- "step over the bump in the road." It's not easy to keep my guard up all the time, though. I just need to work on staying mad at him, and not letting the good thoughts creep back in. Most of those were just my way of excusing the abuse anyway . . . You know the excuses you give yourself -- "He's abusive about 25% of the time, but the other 75% he's fine," etc., etc. I need to remember that 25% just isn't good enough -- especially when the BF gives me 110%!!! :o) Thanks again for the support -- I don't know what I'd do without you guys!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:17pm
Christina,

Thanks for the advice. I remember your story, and it's *alot* like mine. My H was also trying to be good to me toward the end but, like your situation, it was just too little too late. I had years of abusive behavior from him, and a few weeks/months of good behavior just isn't enough to make up for that. I worry about what the future will be like with my BF, but I worry more about what life would be like if I went back to the STBXH.

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:23pm
Thank you, Sweet.

I know it seems scary that I'm considering moving in with the BF already, but we've actually known each other for about five years now, and we were pretty good friends for all that time. He and my STBXH went to school together, so that's how we met. Also, it probably bears mentioning that I don't think I could afford to rent an apartment on my own, and I think I make too much for Section 8 housing or anything like that, so I'd need a roommate regardless.

I do realize that abusers are hard to pick out of a crowd, and that's what scares me. Maybe *all* guys have the potential to be abusive, and maybe there's something about me that just brings that out in them? Or maybe I'll just inadvertently keep picking the wrong guys? Those are the things that scare me. But, like you said, it's next to impossible to recognize an abuser early on. So, I feel like there's really not much I can do to protect myself from going through this again, no matter *when* I try to get into another relationship.

~Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:27pm
Emm,

I wish i had your strength to just go ahead and start the divorce process. How long did it take for you to decide that was what you wanted? I mean, i have probably one of the greatest men and I can't give him my whole heart because it belongs to my H. I don't know that i will ever be able to give my heart away again. It scares me to be alone. I was with my H since i was 16 yrs old. I just wish things were like they used to be. How do you get by on special days without just breaking down. I too was in the store yesterday getting a birthday card for my daughter and stopped at the Valentine cards and saw all the ones that say husband and it took everything i had not to break down, knowing i can't get one. It really hurts. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:27pm
Thanx, Gabby! You're right . . . there really *is* no reason to wait. I just can't picture EVER going back to him for ANY reason, whatsoever. But, I *can* picture a decent life with the new guy, because we have so much in common and we're both willing to work on having a really great relationship.

But, man that just IRKS me about the eHarmony.com thing . . . I had NO idea that you had to be completely divorced before you could finalize your registration, and you're exactly right -- he IS lying to everyone on there already! What a total JERK!!! Those poor girls . . . I just hope they see him for what he really is before I did and RUN the other way!

I knew I'd feel better after a pep talk from you guys . . . thank you SOOO much!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:39pm
Christina, honey, I know exactly how you feel. It's really hard to try to trust someone that much again, when you've been hurt this bad. I was driving around on my lunchbreak today, just so I could think for awhile, and I heard that song by Sheryl Crow called "The First Cut is the Deepest," and I think it really applies to both of us, so here are the lyrics:

I would have given you all of my heart

but there's someone who's torn it apart

and he's taking almost all that I've got

but if you want, I'll try to love again

baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest

'cause when it comes to being lucky he's cursed

when it comes to lovin' me he's worst

but when it comes to being loved he's first

that's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest

I still want you by my side

just to help me dry the tears that I've cried

cause I'm sure gonna give you a try

and if you want, I'll try to love again

but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky he's cursed

when it comes to lovin' me he's worst

but when it comes to being loved he's first

that's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest

I just love that song, and I think I'm going to go out this weekend and look for the CD. It's nothing but cover songs by Sheryl Crow, and a few of the other ones are really good, too. (Which is saying alot, because I'm not usually a real big fan of hers.)

Good luck, sweetie, and let me know how you're doing, OK?

Love & Hugs,

Emm

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