Need some sound advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Need some sound advice
2
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 12:36pm
I am in dire need of some sound advice from anyone. I hope this doesn't get long but it may so sorry in advance.

My H and I have been married for 7 years. This is both of our 2nd M's. He has a son by his 1st marriage and I have two daughters by my 1st. We have a daughter together also. So in all we have four but only the three girls full time. Last year we built our dream house. Plenty of space for all and everything we wanted in it. Our M has been rough before that but I guess I was just used to it you know.

Since we moved in the new house, money has been tight. I mean really tight. But we get by. And it will probably be that way for a couple more years until one of the cars is paid for. All of this stress is really eating at my H and he refuses to either sell the house or one of the cars or even just talk to a counselor about it. He's too macho to see a counselor. So guess where he vents his stress ? Yes, on me.

He complains ALL the time about anything and everything. For example. At my job one of the "perks" sometimes is the salesmen will buy all of our lunch, not just mine but everyone's in the office. Usually from a nicer restaraunt, not fast food. Well he gets mad at this since he takes his lunch everyday and is not able to leave to go get lunch. He says I'm "living it up" while he is suffering. So I hate to tell him when he asks me what I had for lunch when they buy it. But I tell the truth and he gets mad.

Also, it has progressed to the point where he now accuses me all the time of having an affair with someone at work. I work in the office of a construction company with about 4 men (3 of which are married) and he says that I dress up for work for them. I don't wear anything that is unacceptable. I have never been repremanded or asked not wear anything at work by any of my supervisors which is a woman. I have this boat neck top (you know how those look) and he said just this past Friday that "when the light is right" you can see down my shirt. I can no longer wear this to work. He tells me what I can wear and what I can't wear to work. If I don't do what he says he gets angry and sometimes gets abusive. Not to the point where he hits me in the face (he has never hit me in the face) but kind of throwing me around and pushing me. If I wear something he doesn't like and I disagree with him, he tears the item up and throws it away and threatens to divorce me.

On to the affairs that I'm not having. He accuses me of this all the time. At our Christmas party last year he said that one of the guys was staring at me the whole time....which I did not see. But one of the new guys did say I looked good to me. I'll admit that he was very drunk and has since not said anything out of the way to me. But I guess my H thinks that I can have any man I want and they all want me too. Yeah right.

As for now I am so unhappy with this whole situation. We aruge all the time either about how much money we don't have or my clothes or men I work with. I am not having an affair and I don't think the clothes I wear are slutty. I have access to enough money to leave him at this point but if I don't take it now it will be another 6-8 months before I will be able to do it again. I am so confused, I have looked at apartments and have found one that I am considering. I just hate to pack up my three girls and move. We live in a beautiful home with alot of nice things and it's not their fault he acts this way. My youngest daughter (7 years) has always had mommy and daddy at home and never had to make a transition like my two oldest girls. Of course they were really small when their father and I divorced ( 1 and 2 years old). They are now 10 and 9. I know this will be hard on all of them. I just don't know what to do. When we are arguing there is no question in my mind what to do, but when he is being nice that's when I just don't know.

I have to decide something this week and just don't know where to turn. I know I can't tell him about my thinking of leaving because I am afraid of what he might do. I know that if I leave there will be no chance of changing my mind either. He will not let us come back. Does anyone have any advice for me ?

Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 12:48pm
hello. i am probably not in the greatest position to be giving anyone else advice, but i am going to respond to some of the things that you wrote. first of all, it is completely unacceptable for him to push or throw you around and i do not think that you should put up with that. the jealousy and controlling behavior is just as bad, i can attest to that because my husband does the same thing, and i can't stand it. i think that you should get an apartment for you and the girls. i think that you should TRY to explain to him that you won't go on living this way, and it is up to him to either change or not change. maybe he will wake up and get help for himself, if he really thinks he could lose you. if he is anything like my husband he won't change. my husband just blames everthing on me. but i think that you should definitely get yourself out of there now, while you have the money to do it. you will probably be glad you did. now if i could just take my own advice! good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 8:29pm

Hi TMA, and welcome -


Mondays are usually a little nutty in my office, so I'm just now getting around to giving your post the proper attention:


While stress does not cause one to abuse, stress does often trigger an escalation.

CL-Blueliner4